How do bans affect us?

Exclusive PSYCHOLOGIES survey

Your attention is invited to not quite the usual study. It is based on the results of a sociological survey conducted specifically for this issue of Psychologies. Together with sociologists, we decided to find out which aspects of intimate relationships cause most of us to reject, in other words, are taboo. What do we react painfully to and what do we secretly violate? How does each of us get along with the existing taboos – both social and individual? We turned to the All-Russian Public Opinion Research Center (VTsIOM). “In the pilot (trial) study, we used the technique of personal interviews, and most of the survey participants did not dare to openly answer questions regarding their sexual preferences and practices,” explains sociologist and psychologist Olga Kamenchuk. They felt embarrassed and confused. The presence of other family members at home also fettered. It was especially difficult to decide on frankness for older people and residents of small villages and towns (about 30% of them). An online survey conducted by Tiburon Research** helped to understand modern views on sex life. Respondents were asked direct and tough questions not to shock, but to explore and understand. We deliberately did not include pedophilia in the survey – the attitude towards it is already obvious.

We are sympathetic to sex in old age

93% of respondents are not shocked by imagining older people from their environment having sex. The most typical comment was: “When I see older people holding each other’s hands, saying tender words to each other, I dream of the same old age.” “Well, morals are changing,” comments family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “We want to continue to experience physical pleasure from hugs, kisses, sex. To have an intimate relationship means to live a full life, not to rush to die. The attitude of the Christian church to sex (first of all, childbearing, and not getting pleasure) has lost its credibility.

Estimates can change dramatically when we think about our own parents’ sexual relationships. “When, for example, a mother or father may enter into a new marriage, the opinion of their adult children can be influenced by many factors – say, property considerations,” continues Inna Khamitova. “The fear of losing an inheritance can unwittingly express itself in condemnation of the love relationships of older people.”

Approximately 3% of those who answered our questions believe that sex in old age is unacceptable. According to Svetlana Fedorova, “this prohibition arises in early childhood, when the child is vaguely aware that something secret is happening between the parents, inaccessible to him. But as a result, he has endless fantasies. Even an adult person, knowing about the sexual side of the life of his parents, again plunges into an infantile state, when he preferred not to understand the essence of what was happening.

We are not ashamed of oral sex

Fellatio and cunnilingus have ceased to scare us. 84% consider oral sex quite acceptable. 79% of women and 89% of men agree to accept and give such pleasure. To a lesser extent, this is characteristic of those who are over 55 years old (69%), to a greater extent (95%) – living in marriage (including in a civil marriage). “Everything depends on our relationship”, “It’s great if no one is forcing anyone” – this is how many survey participants specified their answer. “When partners are close and trust each other, they are usually ready to seduce each other with the most tender caresses,” Inna Khamitova reflects. And both of them enjoy it. Conversely, when a couple is fighting for dominance, oral sex can be a way to humiliate a partner and feel their power. The proportion of men and women who take oral sex are about the same; this means that our roles in the family and society are becoming more and more converging.”

Anal sex confuses us

Anal intercourse is not perceived so tolerantly. More than half of modern women (56%) would respond with an indignant refusal to a partner’s offer to do it. But it also means that about one in two women has no serious objections to this practice. 65% of men consider it natural, but specify: anal intercourse is possible for them only with a woman. It turns out that women are encouraged or even forced to do this? “It is possible that this is so,” Inna Khamitova comments. The discussion of this topic touches the boundaries of the sexual revolution and gives a new meaning to the word “taboo”. Does being sexually free and liberated mean that you have to practice anal intercourse? In the indignation of women, there is also a fear of new experiences, and a lack of desire, and associations with homosexual contacts and the danger of contracting HIV.”

We are loyal to autoeroticism

The question about sexual self-gratification concerned children: “You will find out that your child is masturbating. What is your reaction? 65% of the respondents would take it calmly, and 22% would be shocked. This suggests that masturbation has ceased to be perceived as a source of bodily and mental ailments. Most of us understand that children’s self-satisfaction is only one of the stages of knowing the world and one’s own body. “The degree of taboo not only for children, but also for adult masturbation in society has become much less,” confirms Svetlana Fedorova. “We rarely condemn those who masturbate because it is difficult for them to open up to a partner, to start playing a passive or active role.” But does our tolerance for masturbation contribute to loneliness?

Homosexuality still worries us

Attitudes towards homo- and bisexuality remain rather negative. 63% of survey participants do not recognize the right of their family members to same-sex affection, 61% do not accept the bisexuality of a relative. “In different eras, society treated homosexuality with varying degrees of loyalty, but it never was and could not become the main form of sexuality,” says Inna Khamitova. “First of all, because it does not lead to the birth of children and harms the institution of traditional marriage.” Perhaps this is why men are less loyal: only 21% of them (as well as 39% of women) do not consider homosexuality reprehensible.

One of the most outspoken confessions of the survey participants was: “My relative is gay. I can’t fully accept this. I would not like him to come to visit us, because I have a son.” “Homosexuality in our country will remain a condemned phenomenon for a long time – for too many years it has been a criminal offense,” continues Inna Khamitova. “Same-sex love is involuntarily perceived as something humiliating, dirty, connected with the prison past, which you want to forget.”

In addition, when we think about attitudes towards homosexuality, we project this situation onto our children. What will we do if one day our son or daughter reveals that he (she) is gay or lesbian? “This situation is scary,” says the therapist. “Our child’s partner may be a wonderful, intelligent, sophisticated person, but same-sex love means a serious risk that we will never have grandchildren. And this fact causes a sharply negative attitude towards homosexuality. Its taboo is a way to oust from consciousness the thought that our race may be terminated.

Bisexuality is puzzling to many. 10% of men and women could not say at all how they would react to the fact that one of their family members has both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. “Each of us is bisexual from birth,” Svetlana Fedorova reflects. – And only growing up, we “choose” our gender. When a husband cheats with a man, and a wife cheats with a woman, the deceived spouses often see the reason in their inferiority, they feel hurt and suffer a lot.

We stand for loyalty

The news that one of our friends or loved ones is cheating on their partner outrages almost two-thirds of those surveyed. Perhaps the result would have been different if the question had been phrased differently: “Are periodic, random cheating acceptable to you?” Boys and girls spoke the most harshly. Their maximalism and conformism were most clearly manifested in the answer to this very question. Adultery revolts 80% of those under 25 and 71% of those between 25 and 34. But those over 35 believe that a little “sexual adventure” cannot destroy a strong union. The older the survey participants, the more tolerant they are of infidelity. In the age group of 45-54 years, 36% of respondents accept the possibility of adultery. The same was the answer of 39% of those over 55 years old. Well, the opportunity to have fun always borders on the forbidden zone, always playing cat and mouse with taboo. Opportunity presented itself – why not take advantage of it?

We don’t accept incest?

An intimate relationship with a relative is the most enduring taboo. 86% of men and women are outraged by incest, but almost 9% of survey participants consider it acceptable, which causes sincere amazement. “In the case of incest in a family, the boundaries between the two sexes and different generations are blurred,” says Svetlana Fedorova, “the certainty of the roles of each of its members and the world order established for centuries are lost. Sexual relations with a loved one cannot lead to anything other than internal chaos, feelings of guilt and loss of orientation. That is why the ban on incest in a civilized society will always exist. It will remain a strict taboo both for action and for discussion.”

The incest taboo, unlike other sexual taboos, is biological in nature. Even ancient people noticed that sick children are born from closely related ties. Incest led to degeneration and the appearance of hereditary diseases. This is clearly seen in the example of royal families. “A strict ban on incest is the eternal desire of mankind to remain strong,” concludes Inna Khamitova.

Personal boundaries of the possible

Undoubtedly, each of us wants to receive sensual pleasure all his life, until his last moment. Homosexuals, bisexuals have shaken up the society, achieved public recognition: same-sex marriages are now allowed in many countries. The practice of fellatio, masturbation is a common thing for many of us. Many men and women include anal sex in their intimate repertoire, but there are also many who are outraged by the violation of sexual taboos; they speak sincerely and (more often) anonymously about it. But from indignation and rejection to the desire to know the forbidden is one step.

Taboos are necessary for us, they protect the area of ​​the sacred, unshakable, causing awe. Sex as part of a person’s cognitive activity can awaken new, including forbidden sensations in any of us. Taboo makes pleasure a delightful gamble that forces us to take action, take risks, push the boundaries of the familiar and overstep the bounds of the permitted. Well, we salute you, taboo!

* I. Kon “Sexology”, Academia, 2004.

** All-Russian survey commissioned by Psychologies took place in February 2011. It was attended by 1250 women and men aged 18-60 years.