How children live in same-sex couples

Neither same-sex marriage nor the adoption of children by homosexual partners is officially possible in Russia. And yet such couples do exist. And the kids are in them too. And although the exact figure is hardly known to anyone, it probably already exceeds the “statistical error”. And in France, for example, 250 thousand children live in families where at least one of the partners is an open homosexual. The number of children in same-sex couples is estimated at 20–40*. We are dealing with a new reality, and that is why it is so important to try as objectively as possible to understand what it means for a child to grow up with two loving adults of the same sex.

Pointless dispute

When the issue of raising children by homosexual couples arises in public discussions, one aspect of the situation is most often discussed – whether the homosexual orientation of adults influences the formation of a child’s sexual preferences. Psychologists and sexologists tend to give a negative answer. This is evidenced, for example, by the studies of psychologist Frederick W. Bozett** and his colleagues, who have long observed children raised in same-sex couples. Their conclusion: children brought up in heterosexual families more often become homosexuals.

However, with the same success it can be argued that children from heterosexual families are more likely to become airplane pilots, Nobel laureates or serial killers. And all this will be true – firstly, because there are immeasurably more heterosexual couples. And secondly, because research on this topic began only when the phenomenon of same-sex families was first discussed openly, in the 80s of the last century. And 30 years is too short a period for such serious conclusions. For the same reasons, it is hardly worth taking seriously the studies – and such ones also exist – according to which children in homosexual couples live even better than in ordinary and, all the more, single-parent families. The arguments of those who talk about the “education” of homosexuality and perversion in same-sex couples are no more convincing. And often less. For example, Timothy J. Dailey, in his review Gay Parenting: Children at Risk, consistently rebukes all opponents for inaccuracy and unreliability, citing even more inaccurate and unreliable data.

Read more:

• 6 reasons that (not) prevent you from adopting a child

To draw conclusions about the influence of parents’ sexual orientation on children’s sexuality, there are still not enough longitudinal (sufficiently long) studies, says Anna Skavitina, a child analyst: “We have to rely on empirical experience. But Freud also built his theories on empirical experience. And his theories are still used today. From my experience of working with children from same-sex couples, I can say that these are heterosexual children. And I have never observed a direct influence of the sexual orientation of parents on the sexuality of children.

“There is simply no one common reason for the formation of a homosexual orientation,” agrees family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. “It could be genes, or it could be psychological reasons. But it’s hard for me to imagine that a child can become gay only under the influence of the orientation of the parents.” Much more important are the personal qualities of those adults with whom the child grows up, and in this sense there are no homosexuals “in general,” Inna Khamitova is sure: “There are different couples and different relationships. Partners can be kind and gentle, or they can be demanding and strict. And these qualities of theirs influence the formation of the personality of their child much more than sexual orientation.

Another question that worries many is: can a sexual scene seen by him between same-sex adults affect the psyche of a child? “In any couple, be it homosexual or heterosexual, parents generally do not show their children their sexual relations, unless we are talking about pathological cases,” continues Inna Khamitova. And she has no reason to believe that there are more such cases in homosexual couples.

Read more:

• Traditional sex – what is it?

family roles

But sexuality is far from the main issue that arises in connection with the upbringing of children in same-sex couples. It is much more important to understand how the child’s psyche develops in such a situation and whether their “parents” can perform two different functions – maternal and paternal. From the point of view of classical psychoanalysis, the construction of an identity and the normal formation of a child’s personality are impossible without overcoming the oedipal conflict – an unconscious sexual attraction to a parent of the opposite sex. Is this possible for a child in a homosexual couple?

Yes, it is possible, according to our experts. “The essence of the oedipal complex and the corresponding conflict is that the child realizes that there are relationships between parents from which he is excluded,” explains psychoanalyst Svetlana Fedorova. “The child begins to experience jealousy and a desire to establish a similar relationship with one of the parents, usually of the opposite sex.”

This also clarifies the distribution of roles in a homosexual couple. One of the partners turns out to be a parent with a maternal function, and the other turns out to be the very “third” who already by his presence says to the child: “mother cannot love only you, cannot love you too much, because she loves me too.” Thanks to the “third”, the child, as he grows up, is freed from the all-consuming connection with his mother and turns to the world around him. “In a heterosexual family, the father saves the child from merging with the mother,” says Svetlana Fedorova. – But this situation is also possible in homosexual couples, where there is a division of roles into female and male. In this case, the child has a chance to receive the necessary amount of love and care and at the same time protection from merging with one of the parents. But there is also some risk, Svetlana Fedorova warns: “The role of the father is to be different from the mother, not only in function, but also in gender. And with the awareness of the difference between the sexes in a child in a homosexual couple, difficulties are possible. “This is especially true for raising a boy in a pair of two women,” says Anna Skavitina. “It is more difficult for him to build his male identity.” However, more than one generation has grown up in families of two women, Inna Khamitova recalls: “After the war, there was a colossal shortage of men. And a family of mother, grandmother and child was almost the norm. And even now there is nothing unusual in such families: the grandmother usually plays the maternal role, takes care of the child, and the mother, on the contrary, the male one, works and feeds the family. Moreover, the relationship between two women can be quite tense. And in this sense, a same-sex couple living in peace and harmony may be more acceptable for raising a child.

Read more:

• How to avoid childish jealousy? 5 tips

Fortunately, the world of a child does not consist only of parents. Children everywhere meet men and women, read in books and see in the movies the experiences of heroines and the exploits of heroes. In a word, if a child does not grow up in complete isolation, he has enough guidelines for correct self-identification. “Psychologists know many cases,” says Anna Skavitina, “when, for various reasons, a child is raised from infancy not by the mother, but by the father. And this does not affect development in any way. In addition, today dad often cooks borscht, and mom runs a huge business. I have worked with such families and I can say that the boys grow up masculine in them, and the girls grow up feminine. I don’t see why homosexual couples should be otherwise.”

Here, of course, it is important how adults perceive their homosexuality. If they hide from her, the child indirectly experiences their shame and humiliation. If they fight passionately for the rights of minorities, he runs the risk of being drawn into their activism (often bordering on narcissism), and it will be more difficult for him to defend his right to be different from them. And if the parents are calm, they pass this calmness to the child. But this is ideal. In our country, a child in a homosexual couple very quickly realizes that his family is in opposition to society and the values ​​​​accepted in it, and is faced with a tough choice. “He can either accept the values ​​of his family and go into opposition to society, or oppose the family: condemn his parents, break with them,” comments Inna Khamitova. “When I talk about accepting the values ​​of the family, it’s about respect and love for your parents, regardless of the non-standard of their lifestyle.”

Finally, it is important to remember that only one partner has the right to a child in a same-sex couple. If the couple breaks up, one of the two may permanently lose contact with their son or daughter. And in the event of the death of the legal parent, the child will be transferred to an orphanage, although there is a person whom he considers his own. Such a risk creates additional mental stress for the child and makes him more vulnerable.

The ability to love

Children in same-sex couples are just one of the directions of the global transformation of the concept of “family”, which is happening literally before our eyes. “The patriarchal model with the figures of a breadwinner-father and a subordinate mother, busy only with the house and children, has ceased to be the only one, and perhaps the main one,” says Inna Khamitova. “We are increasingly seeing partnerships with a new distribution of roles.” “This is a colossal ethical problem that humanity has never faced before,” explains Svetlana Fedorova. – Now in some European countries they are preparing a legal basis for gender equality and different families, the concepts of “Parent 1” and “Parent 2” appear. We are trying to free ourselves from the need to feel love and disappointment from the fact that the other is different, and from our dependence. A homosexual couple strives to have their continuation, and this is a natural human desire. Society gives them the right to this happiness and takes responsibility for the happiness of the child in such a family. But I see this as a utopian trap. By depriving parents of gender, we risk depriving children of their origin, and with it their identity.” On the other hand, the desire of same-sex couples to have a child is a reflection of the problem of the narcissistic omnipotence of a person who “does not accept restrictions, for whom there is only one’s own “I” and momentary desires that require satisfaction,” Svetlana Fedorova points out.

Read more:

• Flowers and roots of narcissism

But there is one aspect that cannot be ignored. Homosexuals are much more willing than heterosexual couples to adopt children, including sick ones. Where they have the right to do so, of course. “The ability to attach is formed in the very first years of a child’s life, and the most wonderful educators cannot replace a loved one,” Inna Khamitova sums up. “If parents – adopted or relatives, of the same sex or different, it doesn’t matter – are able to give a child love, then when he grows up, he will be able to give this love to others, including his children.”

* According to the French Association of Gay and Lesbian Parents and Future Parents (APGL).

** F. Bozett «Gay and Lesbian Parents» (Praeger Paperback, 1987).