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Children seal any union. Mothers and grandmothers used to say that. But nowadays, everything has changed.
The concept of the family has been greatly transformed in recent decades, as have the goals of creating a social unit. Already no one is surprised by one child in a family, grandparents raising a child, while parents are building a career, especially single-parent families. Only one thing remains unshakable: everyone wants to be happy! And having children in a union is always synonymous with happiness. But sometimes there are very difficult life situations when the topic of childhood is very painful. When the union of two loving people can collapse and what to do to prevent this?
Disabled child
Tatyana, 29 years:
“The son was born 8 years ago. Everything was fine right away. By the age of one and a half, she began to notice the strangeness of her son: he did not even try to speak, he made the same sounds, did not smile, I tried to take him in my arms – he pulled out and screamed as if he was being cut. At the age of five, she was diagnosed with autism. I never went to work, we simply do not have specialized kindergartens for people like Mishutka. And the husband left. At first he was silent, disappeared somewhere at night. Then she found out that he had a mistress and went to her, still in silence. And I tried so hard: I cooked, and cleaned, and I was busy with the child, so that there was nothing to reproach … “
Alas, there are a lot of such stories. According to statistics, only 5-10% of families raising disabled children are overweight.
Expert opinion. What are the first thoughts of families facing a serious illness or disability? Give us a magic pill, give us guarantees, give us terms, dates, when life will become habitual again, like everyone else. But months pass, the pill is not invented or does not work …
There is a lot of talk about the feelings of mothers, about their adaptation and the periods of their living through the stages of grief or coping with a difficult life situation. And how little we know about the feelings of fathers.
The first reaction is to blame the spouse for the fact that it is his / her genes that are to blame for the fact that the child was born “not like that”.
Fathers also experience grief. But more hidden than mothers. In addition, the father usually becomes a constant target of attacks from his wife. Yes, these attacks are a cry for help, about fatigue and hopelessness, but in the form of claims and reproaches: “And you …”, “How can you.”
The focus of a woman’s attention in such a situation is only on the child. The spouse’s opinion is leveled, ignored. As a result, either he gives up and leaves, or he is morally forced to leave.
But there is another reason for the breakdown of relations: fear of responsibility, illness, new living conditions.
Recommendations: to be open, not to hush up difficulties, to join the communities of families faced with similar situations, to socialize the child as much as possible. You need to give each other at least a minimal amount of time to switch attention from your son or daughter to other activities – just for yourself. Talk to each other about your feelings, expectations for help and support. If this is not enough, see a family counselor.
Irina, 45 years:
“Until the age of 30, my husband and I lived for ourselves: we built our careers, purchased real estate, and rested. On the fourth ten, they realized in one day that there is simply no point in living without a child. For five years we tried to solve this problem ourselves, alas, no result. We went to the clinic, where we were offered to do IVF. Another 10 years have passed, two unsuccessful attempts at artificial insemination have already passed, sex has turned from joy into routine work for the result – on the right day, in the right position. Every month I become more and more angry, terrible female, ready to kill everyone for the baby. “
Expert Opinion… According to statistics, if a man is infertile, in most cases he keeps a woman next to him. If the woman is infertile, the number of preserved marriages is lower.
Long attempts to get pregnant lead to the overvalue of this process itself. The couple switches from the moment of realizing their relationship and building future relationships to one goal: to have a child.
A woman puts all her strength and health on becoming a mother, connects everyone to the awareness of this process and any support: spouse, parents. Not all IVF attempts are successful the first time, sometimes there are several such attempts over several years.
The long-awaited pregnancy has come, but life does not become the same: a new family member is a child, all the attention is on him. And husband? The attitude towards him has already changed, his priority has been pushed back. But only no one prepared him for this, and meanwhile, his wife expects help from him, since she is getting used to the role of mother. But has someone prepared the husband for the role of a father? And the man gives up, feels unnecessary, superfluous.
Recommendations: women, remember that you are first of all someone’s wife. Be attentive to your loved ones, do not turn into females. If you cannot cope on your own, contact a psychologist. It is better that you do this with your husband.
Maria, 50 years:
«When my husband and I turned 45 and all attempts to have a child did not bring results, we adopted a five-year-old girl. Vasilisa looks so much like my husband Vasya. But for some reason he is not happy about this: he looks for oddities in the girl’s behavior, does not want to walk with her, to help. He says that he does not want to see someone else’s child at home from an unlucky mother. But he supported me when we started talking about adoption. You know, when he is not at home, Vasilisushka and I are the happiest people in the world, and dad comes, and that’s all … I’m thinking about divorce. “
Expert opinion. It is genetically or biologically difficult for a man to accept someone else’s child, to take care of him. Fatherhood is a social feeling, acquired by relationships and social approval.
With the appearance of a child in a family, attention becomes dispersed to a larger number of its members, the psycho-emotional load on parents, stress, a new mode of life, depending on the age of the child, the question arises of how to explain his appearance to relatives, neighbors, friends. The stress of each of the spouses is not always spoken out to each other, which is why each other’s emotional experiences are devalued, contact is interrupted, and it leads to resentment, disappointment and breakup.
Recommendations: before any common step in family life, talk about what will happen next, how your life will change, how such families live, what difficulties they face, from whom they find support and support, if they do not feel it from relatives and friends. Consulting a psychologist is about working through the conflict of your expectations in an environmentally friendly way.
Miscarriage and termination of pregnancy
Anna, 30 years:
“In five years of marriage, my husband and I have lost three children. The first miscarriage happened in the tenth week, the year was recovering, then the long-awaited new pregnancy. Five months later, another miscarriage. And I lost my third baby at a period of six weeks. The husband says: “Enough, let’s not torture ourselves anymore. God does not give us children. ” These words just wildly irritate me: how can he give up so easily, he does not understand that I am ready to give my life for our baby ”.
Expert Opinion… In our society, they still try not to talk about the termination of pregnancy and the impossibility of carrying a child. People avoid support, help and conversations on such topics, but this does not diminish the degree of grief and anxiety of a woman who could not bear or was forced to terminate the pregnancy for any reason or even her own desire. As a rule, the woman’s environment in such situations continues to lead the usual rhythm and mode of life, which was before the onset of pregnancy.
A woman loses support, hides all her fears and emotions.
Recommendations: urgently go to a psychologist, work out these injuries. And a miscarriage is definitely a serious injury. A woman needs support and a new resource for life.