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So we want to be loved! Without love, life can be full and fun, exciting and contented, but as long as a person is alive, the heart still asks for love. And when the heart asks and the head turns off, confusion begins: what is it about — love or falling in love?
Love and falling in love have many common features and signs. You are drawn to your beloved, you want to snuggle up to him, thoughts strive for him, when he appears, attention is riveted to him like a magnet … — everything is so, but this feeling may still not be love, but only love. And how to figure it out? How can you tell if it’s love or infatuation?
If you want to understand if this is love or falling in love with ANOTHER PERSON FOR YOU, you are more likely to be in love. If you are more concerned about whether YOU really HAVE love, and not just being in love, there is a good chance that you are on the road of love.
A young man explains to his beloved girl in love, she listens to his words with pleasure and awe. How will the young man then answer the question: “What do you feel now?”
If he answers: “I was very afraid if I could find the right words, if I would receive a refusal!” Great, he’s in love! But it’s not love yet.
If his answer is: “I am so grateful for her support, I felt her excitement all the time!” — he is probably in love, but it is obvious that he already at least somehow knows how to love.
Why is that? It’s simple: when YOU THINK MORE ABOUT YOURSELF, it’s more like falling in love. When YOU THINK MORE ABOUT THE OTHER, it is rather love. Love strives to receive more, love cares to give.
If, in the event of a disagreement, YOU STAND FIRST OF ALL FOR YOUR INTERESTS, it is quite possible that you are also in love at the same time. If, in case of disagreement, YOU TAKE CARE OF THE TWO OF YOU, you know what love is.
However, it is not obvious that your love is necessarily of the highest quality.
If you make your demands IN CARE OF YOURSELF (Why didn’t you call me?) — you are in love, not love. If you are not afraid to make your demands IN CARE OF HIM, you are not only in love, but also in love.
Suppose your loved one began to lose physical shape: maybe he began to go to bed late, maybe he overeats. Moreover, he began to smoke again or began to allow himself to drink. If you are ready to put the question extremely tough and return your loved one to the right life and the right forms, you love him. And if you say “He won’t listen to me anyway” and continue to meet with him, you like him, maybe you are in love with him, but this is not love on your part.
In true love, there is always and necessarily exactingness, but exactingness is smart and in caring for the other. In love, unlike only falling in love, there is always MIND AND CULTURE. If the attraction burns, but the culture is not ennobled, falling in love has not yet matured to love. When the mind is clouded, the logic fails — falling in love is possible, love is not. “I understand that it’s impossible to call him now, but I want to call so much that I’m already calling” — you understand, this is not about love. Falling in love is impatient, love can wait — not because it is weaker than falling in love, but because love thinks not only about what you want, but also about what is important for the beloved.
My wife (she also consults) shared with me a case from her practice. The man told her about a woman with whom he was in love to the point of madness, was ready for anything for her, but the woman, although she lived with a man she did not love, was not free, she was married. The advice was important to the man, what is better — to forget her or to tear her out of that family? Marina asked him: “Tell me, what would be best for her?” The man’s eyes stopped, he fell silent and thought. Then he said in surprise: “Sorry, from this side I didn’t think at all …”
Lasting love turns into a sick attachment when I am afraid that I will be left without the one to whom I have become attached, and I am ready to curse my beloved if he leaves me without his love so dear to me. Lasting love grows into a warm affection when I am happy to be around, but it is important to take care of how, in which case, someone who is dear to me can live without me.
The lover wants to receive, the lover wants to give. When a lover says “I love”, in fact he says: “I want”, “I want to receive”. Falling in love can be bright, but its results are beautiful only in works of art. If I love apples very much, what will be the result of my love? — Stub. Falling in love is charm followed by disappointment. Habit kills love, but strengthens love. Love is a concern that only grows stronger with age.
Love is much less common than falling in love, and requires more depth and wisdom from a person. Love, as a reflection of culture, must be nurtured in oneself. To fall in love, it is enough to be healthy. There is a lot to be learned in order to be loving and to love. Love needs to be learned, and love needs to grow.
But just as a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step, so the road to love begins, as a rule, with falling in love. If you are looking for love, start with falling in love. Allow yourself to fall in love, but start teaching yourself while falling in love.
The formula of love and the formula of love
To make it easier to distinguish falling in love from love, it is useful to find the Love Formula: a short formulation that expresses the essence of Love with a capital letter. The formula of love speaks of a giving attitude, the formula of falling in love speaks of self-service, of quenching the inner thirst for love. See →
The quality of love
Are different types of love equivalent, are they equivalent? Can one say that one form or kind of love is more perfect than another? Is it possible to find the most perfect kind of love?
Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov
Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn’t be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.