Meeting on the stairwell with a lonely neighbor, listening to the sad monologue of an old friend on the phone, we feel pity, a desire to help, and sometimes alienation or an acute sense of our own guilt for the experiences of our neighbor. How to behave in this situation?
A friend now and then calls to keep her company in the evenings; a lonely elderly mother calls endlessly with stories about new diseases; an adult daughter complains that her personal life will not improve in any way …
Even if we ourselves do not experience feelings of loneliness and emptiness in our lives, it can still invade our world, gradually or rather unceremoniously.
What should not be said to the interlocutor who trusted us and shared the problem of loneliness?
1. Don’t discount
“Oh, come on! Nonsense! Don’t worry! Are you lonely? Yes, you have not seen lonely! Others are much worse!” It may seem to the comforter that the sufferer exaggerates his problems, although it is likely that the objective situation is actually not so tragic.
Nevertheless, the subjective suffering of a person is diminished here, and his feelings are ignored, if not even ridiculed. That is, there is no need to talk about consolation.
2. Don’t be hopeful
“Everything will be fine! Here you will see, as you want, so be it! — consolation in the form of the promise of a miracle. Is it reasonable to give hope for the illusion of a cloudless future, when it is obvious: in real life, “everything” does not happen well, there is always a place for both joy and pain. Lying out of pity is a trap. Such a departure from an honest look at the situation, although it can bring temporary peace, will not solve the problem.
3. Don’t be intimidated
“If you continue like this, it will only get worse! Think again before it’s too late, the consequences can be irreversible! Of course, these words are spoken out of the best of intentions – to shake a person, make him act and change something in life.
But in reality, such phrases are used to manipulate others without respect for their freedom, they do not leave him the opportunity to choose and can lead to the opposite result – despair and depression.
About the Developer
Olga Krasnikova – counseling psychologist, head of the psychological center “Interlocutor”, author of the books “Lateness and Unfulfilled Promises” and “Loneliness”.