How can we (you) live in an aggressive environment?

Every day we face many reasons to doubt our own worth. The fact that we are worthy people who deserve a respectful attitude. This morning a passer-by touched us with his shoulder and did not think to apologize. Yesterday, a bank employee did not honor not only a smile, but even a glance. Households get annoyed because of nonsense, as if forgetting that we also work and get tired no less than them … And at work, the authorities perceive us as production equipment that is not supposed to make mistakes, worry or feel bad. And that’s not to mention the constant skirmishes in the traffic or in a crowded supermarket. What’s happening? Have we become invisible? Or do we not care at all?

Dangerous Freedom

Maybe it’s not about us at all. Social psychologist Takhir Bazarov believes that such actions of other people, which can undermine self-respect, are the result of a rigid, individualistic understanding of freedom: “Freedom is a necessary condition for the realization of a strong personality. But for the weak, it turns into a huge test. The temptation to prove oneself, to prove one’s strength and significance – not where it is really necessary, but in petty everyday situations and at the expense of humiliating others – turns out to be too great. However, the selfish view of freedom can hardly be considered an invention of our time. As far back as the XNUMXth century, the English philosopher Thomas Hobbes wrote: “Freedom is the complete absence of obstacles that can take away some of my strength and prevent me from doing what I want”*. Psychoanalysis interprets such behavior as the predominance of instinctive urges and the assertion of the absolute right to pleasure. The totality of these urges occupies the lowest rung in the model of the psyche proposed by Sigmund Freud, and is called “It” **.

To see how many people are in the power of “It” and share the views of Hobbes, it is enough to get on the bus.

A typical scene: a young man, over the noise of the engine, shouts something into the phone. A neighbor reading a newspaper politely asks him to keep his voice down. “If you want it quieter, take a taxi!” the young man replies imperturbably. In the language of psychoanalysis, this means: “My right to behave as I please is more important than your right to read. And it’s not me who is disrespectful, but you are brazenly demanding that I renounce my right.” Nina, 57, who rides the subway every day, sighs: “Of course, many things were wrong in our country before. But people behaved more modestly, and respect for elders was taught in elementary school.” Takhir Bazarov offers his own explanation: “Too many people today feel unloved, underestimated. And in every possible way they strive for “revenge”. But not to give way to a pregnant woman is a manifestation of the will of lack of will. Yes, yes, outwardly such behavior seems strong-willed – intransigence, rigidity … But behind this lies a weak personality who has no idea about morality.

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Decent Response Strategy

Aggression caused by a misunderstanding of freedom, or an unwillingness to recognize the human dignity of another can manifest itself in different ways, but they are similar in one thing: we do not know how to respond to them. What, in fact, can be done here? Screaming, cursing, threatening? Some believe that they will be better protected if they themselves begin to inspire fear in others. But this calculation is not justified: domestic tyrants who replace arguments with shouting and insults never command respect. On the other hand, having endured what offended us, and being agitated over a trifle, we feel out of place: we are ashamed that we are not able to do what we want. “As a rule, we do not publicly try to figure out the reasons for an unpleasant incident; this is not accepted in our culture,” says Takhir Bazarov. – In addition, trying to understand the essence of the conflict usually only leads to its aggravation. Therefore, most often we are dealing with two strategies – aggression in response to aggression or leaving the situation. But both options fail. The first can lead to physical injury. The second – to psychological trauma.

Maybe we should try to climb to a height unattainable for attacks? Acting like we’re omniscient and flawless, the ones with the answer to everything? But to reach the shining heights of recognition and respect today is becoming increasingly difficult. Doctors complain that they are not respected by patients, and the words of priests are discussed and criticized on Internet forums. It seems that even the most indisputable authorities are rapidly losing weight.

“We live in an era of paradox,” notes Takhir Bazarov. – Everyone needs ready-made knowledge, but at the same time, any recipes are rapidly depreciating. The authority of a position, status, dignity is subjected to incessant attacks. Access to information, including specialized information, makes us more and more critical. Therefore, the ability to find a solution in a specific situation at a specific moment is important.

It turns out that it is pointless to demonstrate your coolness. Respect is primarily an existential position, consisting in recognizing the value of the feelings, opinions and desires of other people. And in order to be respected, we have to learn to firmly say “yes” and “no”, defend our opinion and express disagreement if the situation does not suit us, and not allow encroachment on the “protective ball” of our personal space. All these valuable skills come down to the ability to “be yourself,” says psychoanalyst Jean-Claude Liaudet. But therein lies the main difficulty! Who are we really – just ourselves, and not our ideas about what we are and who we would like to be?

Know yourself

Fortunately, it is never too late to take a closer look at yourself, understand your own life and learn how to assert yourself. Psychotherapy, personal growth trainings or spiritual practices can help with this – everyone is free to choose what suits him. The main thing is to form an adequate self-esteem, which will equally protect us from the feeling that we are nothing, and from the temptation to consider ourselves the crown of creation. Those of us who know our worth are less likely to experience disrespect and feel less pain when it does occur. We must not forget that self-respect is not given once and for all, it requires constant effort. Once we have begun this inner work, we will carry on with it for the rest of our lives.

Of course, no one has complete protection against someone’s unkind words, reactions and aggressive actions. This problem does not have a universal solution. But self-respect is the most important step along the way. Another, no less important, is the correct understanding of freedom. “We must not forget that freedom is not a selfish “how I want and when I want” and not an infantile craving for omnipotence,” Jean-Claude Liauet warns. True freedom is the willingness to exist alongside others, recognizing and respecting them, and implying the same willingness on their part. To act towards others the way we would like them to act towards us… We guessed that humanity hasn’t come up with anything better yet, right?

* T. Hobbes “Leviathan” (Thought, 2001).

** Z. Freud “I and It” (Eksmo, 2007).