How can we help children overcome their fears?

The behaviors to adopt in the face of the terrors of young children.

“Our Marion is a cheerful, smart, lively, optimistic 3-year-old girl. Her father and I take care of her a lot, we listen to her, encourage her, pamper her, and we absolutely do not understand why she is so afraid of the dark and the horrible burglars who will come and kidnap her in the middle of the city. night ! But where does she go to look for such ideas? Like Marion’s, many parents would like their baby’s life to be filled with sweetness and free from fear. Corn all the children of the world experience fear at different times in their lives, to varying degrees and according to their temperament. Even though it does not have a good press with parents, fear is a universal emotion – like joy, sadness, anger – necessary for the construction of the child. She warns him of the dangers, allows him to realize that he must watch over the integrity of his body. As psychologist Béatrice Copper-Royer points out: “A child who is never afraid, who does not fear falling if he climbs too high or venturing out alone in the dark, for example, it is not a good sign, it is even worrying. This means that he does not know how to protect himself, that he does not evaluate himself well, that he is in omnipotence and risks putting himself in danger. “True markers of development, fears evolve and change as the child grows, according to precise timing.

Fear of death, darkness, night, shadows… What phobia at what age?

Around 8-10 months, the child who passed easily from arm to arm suddenly begins to cry when he leaves his mother’s to be carried by a stranger. This first fear signifies that he saw himself “differentiated”, that he identified the familiar faces of those around him and the unfamiliar faces far from the inner circle. It is a huge advance in his intelligence. He then needs to be reassured by the reassuring words of his relatives to accept contact with this foreign person. Around one year, the noises of the vacuum cleaner, the telephone, the household robots start to worry him. From 18-24 months appears the fear of the dark and the night. Rather brutally, the toddler, who went to bed without problem, refuses to sleep alone. He becomes aware of the separation, associates sleep with a time of solitude. In fact, it’s more the idea of ​​being separated from his parents that makes him cry than the fear of the dark.

The fear of the wolf, of abandonment… At what age?

The other reason that makes him fear the dark is that he is in full search of motor autonomy and that he loses his bearings in the night. The fear of being abandoned can also manifest itself at this age if the child has not acquired sufficient internal security in the first months of his life. Latent in every human being, this anxiety of primitive abandonment can be reactivated throughout life depending on the circumstances (separation, divorce, bereavement, etc.). Around 30-36 months, the child enters a period when the imagination is all-powerful, he adores terrifying stories and fears the wolf, the ferocious beasts with large teeth. In the twilight of the night, he will easily mistake the moving curtain, the dark shapes, the shadow of the nightlight for monsters. Between the ages of 3 and 5, the terrifying creatures are now thieves, burglars, strangers, tramps, ogres and witches. These fears related to the Oedipal period are a reflection of the rivalry that the child experiences towards the parent of the same sex as him. Confronted with his lack of maturity, his small size compared to his rival, he is worried and externalizes his worries through imaginary characters, stories of witches, ghosts, monsters. At this age, it is also the period when phobic fears of animals (spiders, dogs, pigeons, horses, etc.) arise and the onset of social anxiety which manifests itself in excessive shyness, difficulty in forming relationships and a fear of the gaze of other students in kindergarten …

Fears in babies and children: need to be listened to and reassured

Little funk, big butt, real phobia, each of these emotions must be taken into account and accompanied. Because if fears mark stages of development, they can prevent children from moving forward if they cannot tame them to overcome them. And that’s where you come in by helping your cowardly little one overcome them. First thing, welcome his emotion with kindness, it is essential that your child feels the right to be afraid. Listen to him, encourage him to express everything he feels, without trying to reassure him at all costs, recognize and name his emotional state. Help him put words to what he is experiencing inside (“I see that you are afraid, what is going on?”), This is what the famous psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto called “putting her under- titles to the child ”.

Externalize your anxieties

Second fundamental thing, tell him you’re there to protect him. Whatever happens, this is the essential and indispensable message that a toddler needs to hear to be reassured whenever they express a concern. If he is particularly anxious when falling asleep, set up rituals, little sleep habits, a night light, a door ajar (so that he can hear the sound of the house in the background), light in the hallway, a story, her blanket (everything that reassures and which represents the absent mother), a hug, a kiss and a “Sleep well, see you tomorrow morning for another beautiful day”, before leaving her room. To help him overcome his worry, you can offer to draw it. Representing it with colored pencils on sheets of paper, or with plasticine, will allow him to evacuate it and feel more secure.

Another proven technique: bring it back to reality, to the rational. His fear is real, he feels it well and truly, it is not imaginary, he must therefore be reassured, but without going into his logic: “I hear that you are afraid that there is a thief who Come into your room at night, but I know there won’t be any. It’s impossible ! Ditto for witches or ghosts, it does not exist! Above all, do not look under the bed or behind the curtain, do not place a club under the pillow “to fight the monsters in your sleep”. By giving a true character to his fear, by introducing reality, you confirm it in the idea that the dreaded monsters do exist since you are looking for them for real!

Nothing beats the good old scary tales

To help toddlers cope, nothing beats good old classic stories such as the classics Bluebeard, Little Thumb, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Little Red Riding Hood, The Three Little Pigs, The Cat boot… When accompanied by the adult telling them, these tales allow children to experience fear and its reactions to it. Hearing their favorite scenes over and over again puts them in control of the agonizing situation by identifying with the little hero, victorious over the horrible witches and ogres, as they should be. It is not doing them a service to want to preserve them from all anguish, not to tell them such and such a tale, not to let them watch such and such a cartoon because certain scenes are scary. On the contrary, scary tales help tame emotions, put them into words, decode them and they love it. If your child asks you three hundred times Bluebeard, it’s precisely because this story supports “where it’s scary”, it’s like a vaccine. Likewise, the little ones love to play wolf, hide and seek, scare each other because it is a way to familiarize themselves and to ward off whatever worries them. The stories of friendly monsters or vegetarian wolves who are friends of the Little Pigs are of interest only to parents.

Also fight against your own apprehensions

If your little one doesn’t fear imaginary creatures but little beasts, then again, play the real card. Explain that insects are not bad, that a bee may sting only if it feels in danger, that mosquitoes can be repelled by protecting yourself with an ointment, that ants, earthworms, flies, ladybugs, grasshoppers and butterflies and many other insects are harmless. If he is afraid of water, you can tell him that you too were afraid of water, that you had difficulty learning to swim, but that you were successful. Recounting your own experiences can help your little one identify with and believe in his or her abilities.

Celebrate his victories

You can also remind him of how he has already managed to overcome a certain situation that frightened him. The memory of his past bravery will boost his motivation to face the new panic attack. Set an example for yourself by dealing with your personal anxieties. A very fearful child often has hyper anxious parents, a mother who suffers for example from a phobia of dogs will very often pass it on to her children. How can you be reassuring if he sees her scampering off because a Labrador comes up to say hello or howl because a big spider is climbing up the wall? The fear goes through the words, but especially by the attitudes, the expressions of the face, the glances, the movements of retreat. Children record everything, they are emotional sponges. Thus, the separation anxiety that a toddler experiences very often comes from the difficulty his mother has in letting him get away from her. He perceives her maternal anguish and he responds to her deep desire by clinging to her, crying as soon as she walks away. Likewise, a parent who sends alarmist messages several times a day: “Be careful, you will fall and hurt yourself! Will easily have a timid child. A mother very concerned about cleanliness and germs will have children who fear getting dirty or having dirty hands.

Stay zen

Your apprehensions considerably impress your children, learn to identify them, to fight them, to dominate them and to remain zen as often as possible.

Besides your own self-control, you can also help your little one overcome his fears through desensitization. The problem with phobia is that the more you run away from what you fear, the more it grows. You must therefore help your child to face his fear, not to isolate himself, and to avoid anxiety-provoking situations. If he doesn’t want to go to birthday parties, proceed in stages. First, stay with him a little, let him observe, then negotiate that he remains alone for a while with his friends by promising him to come and look for him at the slightest phone call, at the slightest call. In the square, introduce him to other children and initiate joint games yourself, help him to make contacts. “My son / daughter would love to play sand or ball with you, do you agree? Then you walk away and let him play, observing from a distance how he is doing, but not intervening, because it is up to him to learn to make his place once you initiate the meeting.

When to worry

It is the intensity and the duration that make the difference between a fleeting fear that makes you grow when you have overcome it and a real anxiety. It’s not the same when a 3-year-old cries and calls for his mom on the first days of the start of the school year and when he continues to stress in January! After 3 years, when fears persist when falling asleep, we can think of a background of anxiety. When they set in and last more than six months, we must look for an element of stress in the child’s life that would justify this intensity. Are you not particularly upset yourself, or worried? Did he experience a move or a change of nanny? Is he disturbed by the birth of a little brother or a little sister? Is there a problem at school? Is the family context difficult – unemployment, separation, mourning? A repeating nightmare, or even night terrors, indicate that a fear has not yet been fully heard. Very often, these fears reflect a state of emotional insecurity. If, despite your best efforts and understanding, you still cannot manage the anxiety, if the fear becomes crippling and prevents your child from feeling good about himself and making friends, you better consult and ask help by a psychotherapist.

* Author of “Fear of the Wolf, Fear of Everything. Fears, anxieties, phobias in children and adolescents ”, ed. The pocket book.