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Social crisis, global warming, pandemic… All this is not very conducive to optimism. How to keep a good mood if events inspire anxiety?
When a lot of specialists in the media, from environmentalists to virologists, warn us of possible disasters, and our acquaintances and friends lose their jobs or get sick nearby, it’s hard not to get confused, even if nothing threatens us directly. “The salary suits me, the children are growing, and everything is fine in the family, but I have no confidence in the future,” complains Alexei, a 40-year-old bank teller.
Can we rejoice in such conditions? “We can only rejoice in them,” Anatoly Krichevets, Doctor of Philosophy, is convinced, “because there are no other conditions. It’s just a matter of how aware we are of it: the world isn’t a very fun place.”
It seems that the history of mankind confirms this thesis: works filled with the most ardent enthusiasm were created in the darkest times. Recall Lucretius’ poem “On the Nature of Things”: he argues that the soul can find peace if we manage to tame fears and harmful beliefs.
However, at that time, in the XNUMXst century BC, there were many massacres and dictatorships. And yet the poet does not succumb to despondency, but, on the contrary, offers his contemporaries a morality whose goal is serenity, and the first rule is to stop expecting the worst.
Anticipating Dangers
In any circumstances, we can experience happiness by playing with a child, admiring the sunset, talking with a colleague on an interesting topic, meeting with a loved one. “Not all of our needs may be satisfied, we may not have too many material goods and still be happy,” notes Gestalt therapist Elena Petrova. “Because happiness does not depend on material conditions, but on how we relate to life.”
Today, the discoveries of neuropsychology show that real events have less effect on our internal state than a personal attitude towards them. Which, in turn, is influenced by beliefs.
It would be cruel to blame the unemployed, who can’t find a job, for falling into despair. Suffering is never shameful, and we should not condemn ourselves for suffering because of our own objectively difficult situation.
However, catastrophic scenarios often blind us, making it difficult to see the reasons for feeling good. Especially when we are anxious and identified with the misfortunes of others (illness, accidents, uncertainties at work, breakups…) as if we ourselves are afflicted by these misfortunes or will inevitably be subjected to them.
Psychologists call this unfavorable bias the focusing illusion. It makes us project ourselves into a life that is not ours, exaggerate difficulties and imagine the worst. But why does this happen at all? The cingulate cortex, highly developed in our species Homo sapiens, encourages us to calculate opportunities and anticipate dangers.
There is nothing left but to turn to a psychotherapist or to the wisdom of past centuries – for example, to the advice of Emperor Marcus Aurelius – we understand that we are not the first to find ourselves in this situation, and that others have already asked the same questions and looked for answers to them.
Everything is connected
I recently found a great job,” says Arina, a 24-year-old graduate of a pedagogical university, “but I’m even embarrassed to tell my friends about it, because one of them just lost her job, and the other has problems in the family. It’s embarrassing to rejoice when your loved ones are not doing well.” Indeed, can we afford it?
“When we see loved ones and acquaintances who are frightened or sad, it is natural for us to empathize with them,” the Gestalt therapist answers, “as it is natural to want to help them, so that they feel better, or express our sympathy. But you don’t have to feel bad about it.”
If a psychotherapist comes to a psychotherapist with a depression, then a depressed psychotherapist will not be able to help him. “Of course, one should not schedule a wedding after a funeral,” Elena Petrova continues, “but this does not happen: society has developed ritual restrictions.”
Many find it difficult to be alone and express thoughts that are contrary to the thoughts of the environment. “I am hoarsely arguing with my friends about vaccinations,” admits 37-year-old biochemist Egor, “and I can’t convince them.”
These kinds of arguments can be heated, frustrating, and can lead to breakups. “In some cases, there is a logically erroneous reasoning like “people are afraid of the disease, but you are not afraid of the disease, which means you are not a person,” comments Elena Petrova.
Anyone who becomes the object of such reasoning, despite its fallacy, feels excluded from the group. To avoid this painful experience, we are sometimes ready to join opinions that we do not share. But you can go the other way.
Thus, the Florentine Giovanni Boccaccio describes his contemporaries in the Decameron: during the plague of 1348, ten friends retired to the castle and talk about love affairs so as not to lose heart. And we still enjoy their stories. “Looking for like-minded people, uniting with those whose views and feelings are similar to ours is also a way to help yourself in difficult times,” the Gestalt therapist concludes.
“Nothing in life can knock us out of the saddle”
Psychology professor Salvatore Maddi searched and found the answer to the question: why in a stressful situation, unbearable for most, some not only do not lose heart, but even succeed.
It all started in 1975, when Salvatore Maddi was researching the emotional reactions of the managers of a large telephone company undergoing restructuring. There were many layoffs, the principle of work was changing, and all employees were under a lot of stress.
Two-thirds of them experienced it hard: they suffered from migraines, heart disease, depression, their relationships with loved ones deteriorated. But one-third of the employees, on the contrary, felt more cheerful and more proactive. They performed better, their relationships strengthened, and those who left the company did well elsewhere.
Why in the same situation the reaction was so different? The answer lay in the difference of characters. Salvatore Maddi and his team identified three main components of hardiness.
- Involvement: “I am interested in what I do and what happens to me, I enjoy it.”
- Control: “I find out how I can influence the situation, make it more calm, I don’t feel helpless, I see the result of my efforts.”
- Accepting a call: “I understand that risk is inevitable, and I open myself to the world to pass this test and learn from it useful experience.”
Salvatore Maddi founded the Institute for Resilience and led trainings, teaching businessmen, military and all comers1 respond to stress, including prolonged stress, more effectively: it turned out that the necessary qualities can be developed in adulthood.
1 He and his wife coauthored the book Resilience at Work: How to Succeed No matter what life throws at you. (Resilience at Work: How to Succeed No Matter What Life Throws at You. AMACOM, 2005).
Time to act
It is unlikely that we will be able to achieve complete well-being for all. “Someone always suffers in the world, the only difference is whether it is far or close,” Anatoly Krichevets notes. And we are embarrassed by the thought that someone, unlike us, now lacks the means for food, education and a decent life.
“It cannot be said that we deserved that the tragic history of the last century took us to a rather prosperous region of the world,” the philosopher continues, “but you should not feel guilty if you were lucky to be born in a prosperous family or a combination of circumstances raised you up the social ladder. Let’s not exaggerate our merits and forget about the accidents of fate. Being ready for change and helping those we can is a prerequisite to being happy.”
If we wish, we can confront a situation that we consider threatening in ecology, economy or other area. “I volunteer at a nursing home,” says 23-year-old Inna. “I understand that the attitude towards the elderly and the infirm is a big social problem and only society as a whole can solve it, but if one old man gets warmer, it’s worth it.”
To translate your experiences into action is to give them meaning. We will not reorder the world in this way. “Let’s not be romantics and leave false hopes,” Anatoly Krychevets warns. And yet, by doing something good, we contribute to what we believe in. The world will not become especially good, but perhaps we ourselves will become better.
emperor advises
When we feel that we are ready to give in under the pressure of misfortune, it is useful to reread the emperor-philosopher, who will remind us that inner freedom does not depend on the vicissitudes of the world.
The right life, as the emperor Marcus Aurelius (121–180) describes it in his work1, is to focus on what is up to us and not worry about what is beyond our control. But isn’t it immoral to be in a good mood when the world is so imperfect? “No,” the philosopher would answer. – After all, our well-being does not make others more unhappy, and the world more cruel. The world has never been fair, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” Here are three more of his tips.
- Take care of the work you are currently doing in order to do it … with complete seriousness, sincerity, with love for people and justice. Get rid of other impulses. There will be good luck if you complete each deed as the last in your life, freeing yourself from recklessness fueled by passions, disregard for the dictates of reason, hypocrisy, selfishness and dissatisfaction with your own fate. You see how modest are the requirements, by fulfilling which anyone can achieve a blissful, divine life.
- Don’t let what comes to you from outside dispel you! Make time for yourself to learn something good and stop wandering without a goal. Another grave delusion must also be guarded against. After all, people are insane who, all their lives, are without strength from work and still do not have a goal with which they would fully conform all aspirations and ideas.
- Do not waste the rest of your life thinking about others, unless it is about something generally useful. After all, thinking about what someone does and why he does it, what someone says, plans and undertakes, you miss another matter: all this distracts from worries about your own guiding principle. Therefore, everything that is aimless and idle, and especially everything that inspires curiosity and malice, must be removed from the connection of your ideas.
1 Marcus Aurelius. “Alone with myself. Reflections” (AST, 2018).