Sylvia’s mother refuses to make decisions on her own, relies on her daughter in everything and does not let her go a single step. But Sylvia, a 22-year-old student, wants to finally start living her life. How to do it? Sylvia is looking for an answer with psychotherapist Robert Neuburger.
“Next to my mother, I become a mother to her,” says Sylvia. “After her divorce from my father, she relies on me for everything, absolutely everything. And unable to make decisions on their own. But now I find it increasingly difficult to put up with my mother’s infantilism. I have a boyfriend and I want to finally start living my life.»
Robert Neuburger: Did it become more difficult for you to communicate with your mother at the moment when you had a man?
Sylvia (after a pause): No, difficulties have appeared only now, and David and I have been living together for three years. Mom is too present in our daily life. We live nearby, so we have dinner together, often go somewhere together — to the cinema or just to take a walk. She relies on my opinion in everything, asks for advice on the most insignificant issues. It is not easy for David and me to go somewhere without her, even meeting friends is a big problem.
R. N .: Your partner must be a very accommodating person!
Silvia: It’s just that my mother is both the embodiment of kindness and a good manipulator.
R. N .: When did your parents separate?
Silvia: Many years ago, I just turned six years old.
R. N .: Did Mom ever try to remarry?
Silvia: No, besides her father, she had no other men. I feel like I’m the only thing my mother has. We have always lived together, and now it is difficult for me to leave her even for a while … For example, a week ago David and I went for a walk and returned to dinner not at seven, but at half past seven. Mom was furious, she almost screamed: “You don’t need me”, “You don’t care about me.” I tried to explain to her more than once that we are a couple and that sometimes we need to be alone. She agrees with me, but she cannot bear this situation. I think this is because my mother is afraid that I will leave her and no one will need her. (Crying.)
R. N .: But before, your relationship was not a problem for you. What has changed now?
Silvia: David and I entered the magistracy and in the fall we are leaving for another city. Mom is in a panic. She constantly repeats that she has no one else, and tries to prove that it will be very difficult for us without her. And she is right, because the apartment in which we now live belongs to her, and we do not have to pay for it.
R. N .: Are your apartments adjacent to each other?
Silvia: Yes, we live on the same staircase. She has the keys to our apartment, and mom comes when she wants, she doesn’t even knock. She could always enter my room or bathroom without knocking, and I don’t know how to tell her that now she should do otherwise.
R. N .: Does David accept this state of affairs?
Silvia: Yes, he is an easy-going person and does not want to hurt anyone.
R. N .: But his behavior doesn’t make things any easier. If he had been more decisive, he could have said: «Listen, your mother is overstepping all bounds …». After all, you are a couple, and any patience comes to an end.
Silvia: She treats both of us as her children. David for her is the perfect son she never had…
- How to build a relationship with your mother as an adult
R. N .: Your mother interferes very much in your life.
Silvia: Yes it is. But I admire her, because she suffered a lot: her mother treated her cruelly, she herself was a mother to her younger sister and brother. But life has taught her nothing. She is a very naive person, does not see evil, does not notice the bad. Mom is a dressmaker, and many times I saw how her boss or clients wiped their feet on her. That’s why I have to protect her.
R. N .: My concern in this situation is that if your mother continues to interfere in your life, the love between you and David may decrease. There will come a moment when it will be unbearable, when David will not be able to remain silent if, for example, she comes in and finds you in bed … Why don’t you put a lock on the door?
Silvia: I’m afraid to hurt her…
R. N .: I am trying to tell you that your inaction is not a manifestation of love for your mother, but a clear avoidance of your guilt. And your mom enjoys it. When she says: “You don’t love me”, “you leave me”, you get lost every time, and she knows it. But good relationships are not built on guilt.
Silvia: Yes I know.
R. N .: I think you should discuss this with her.
Silvia: Mom seems to hear me and tries to change something in herself, in her behavior, but then everything starts again. I don’t know how to change our relationship. For example, I really want to give birth to a child, I want my children, my family, but I know that my mother will interfere here too. And I’m scared to think about what kind of grandmother she will be.
R. N .: You say that for your mother you are like a mother, but it seems to me that you have taken the place of your father …
Silvia: Perhaps… When I was little, she somehow got sick, and it was I who looked after her. My father always ran away from difficulties. Fortunately, when I turned 17, I met David. This is the best thing that happened to me in my life. I am happy with him.
R. N .: In my opinion, you should look for a solution to the problem with him. You talk about everything as if you are alone, but you are a couple. David’s position is very important. He can be an intermediary to help you stop feeling too much guilt. You need at least one evening a week, weekends to spend only together. And try not to worry about the fact that at this time mom will be alone. It can work if David supports you.
Silvia: But how will she take it? Not so long ago, David intervened in our argument, and my mother sharply said that it was none of his business. I then had to apologize to her in order to make amends.
R. N .: You should not interfere in their disputes. You cannot protect everyone. By protecting both your mother and your partner, you are in a dangerous position. You risk losing both. Your relationship with your mother needs to develop. So that every time a problem arises, you solve it not alone, but together with David.
Silvia: Is it right to put this burden on him?
R. N .: Yes, your relationship with your mother is directly related to him. You must involve him in solving your problems. Ask him to talk to your mother with you. I think she will hear you better if he is also present during the conversation. You do not expect anything special from her, you just want to be able to spend time together. Such a conversation will help you all maintain a good relationship. Otherwise, there is a risk of starting a quarrel or even breaking off relations because of her. I think it would be useful for you to go to a consultation with a family therapist.
Silvia: You are probably right. I did not dare to interfere with David in my relationship with my mother.
R. N .: He can protect you.
Silvia: But I’m not used to being defensive.
R. N .: I noticed!
In a month
Silvia: “For me, and for David, to whom I retold my conversation with a psychotherapist, this consultation became a permission to act, to say no. And we try to do it every day. The psychologist helped me realize that I am not alone, there are two of us, we are a couple.
R. N .: “When her father left the family, Sylvia became very close to her mother. But now that the girl has grown up and she has a beloved man, it’s time to redistribute the roles. With David’s help, Silvia will be able to initiate change that will benefit all three.»
Robert Neuburger, family therapist. He heads the European Center for Family Research Association (CEFA).