«How are you not ashamed of your neighbors?» and not only. Never tell an alcoholic that [LIST]

Alcoholics have times when they promise themselves to stop drinking. Even for a week or a month. However, they are quietly counting down the days when they can drink again. And the repetition by loved ones “do not bring shame on your family”, “if you really love me, stop drinking” or “don’t drink, do it for yourself” are not effective. What else should not be told to an alcoholic? An addiction therapist explains.

1. Alcoholics are tired of making long tirades, they simply deny them and treat them as another excuse to drink
2. They think, “So what if someone saw me sleeping drunk in a ditch, I had a fight with someone? I prefer not to think about it and have a drink »
3. They are not ashamed. They are only ashamed in the morning when they have a huge hangover and remember their last drunken exploits. But these uncomfortable memories quickly fade away
4. More current information can be found on the Onet homepage.

Edyta Brzozowska, Medonet: People who struggle with depression should not say “get a grip”. People addicted to alcohol also hear similar clichés. What are the most frequent?

Paweł Klimas, psychologist, psychotherapist, specialist in addiction psychotherapy: For example, advice: “Stop drinking, you can handle it because you have a strong will”. And after all, heavy drinking has nothing to do with willpower, because alcoholism is a chronic disease and as such has been officially recognized by the World Health Organization, it has its number in the commonly accepted classification of diseases. Alcoholism is treated like diabetes, high blood pressure and all other physical illnesses are treated. The difference is that addictions are not treated pharmacologically, but therapeutically. Unfortunately, persuading the alcoholic of his willpower is counterproductive.

How can we explain the mechanism that occurs when an alcoholic hears the unfortunate advice of “pull yourself together”?

Such a person can actually give up alcohol for a while, which reassures them that they are in control of the situation. However, the time of abstinence creates tension, which makes you nervous and leads you to drink alcohol again. Of course, relatives are disappointed and repeat their “golden thoughts”, instead of consulting specialists and referring the patient to therapy. Alcoholics also tire of making long tirades, they simply displace them and treat them as another excuse to drink. They feel guilty. They think: «So what if someone saw me sleeping drunk in a ditch, I had a fight with someone? I prefer not to think about it and have a drink ”. And they are not ashamed. They are only ashamed in the morning when they have a huge hangover and remember their last drunken exploits. But these uncomfortable memories quickly fade away.

In various forums involving people who feel addicted to alcohol, various challenges arise, for example, about giving up alcohol for a month. Does such a rivalry make sense?

It doesn’t make much sense in my opinion. For example, during Lent, the alcoholic assumes that he will not drink until Easter. But he’s counting down the days when he can drink again. The same happens with the so-called labels, popularly known as Esperal. Thus, similar challenges are only physical rest after drinking alcohol, regeneration of the body, but they work on the same principle as all other hints from relatives who often repeat like a mantra: “do not bring shame to your family” or “do not be ashamed in front of your neighbors”.

Relatives also use the argument “don’t drink, do it for yourself”?

Very often. They also refer to the feeling of shame and remorse of the addicted person. I admit that the family is not educated on how to talk to an alcoholic. Therefore, it is worth for her to have contact with an addiction specialist. He will tell you how to motivate you to start therapy and advise against preaching and reminding you of what the alcoholic was doing while drunk. I know from experience that addicts are well aware of how they behave.

Recording the compromising behavior of a drunk person has any effect?

Sometimes it has a motivating role to start therapy.

Does the argument of children who look at their father or mother drunk get convinced?

This generally finds its way into the alcoholic’s conviction. Unfortunately, for a short time, because as soon as she leaves the house, remorse disappears. So he goes to drink because he wants to drown out his feelings. Otherwise, he can’t handle his emotions. And the circle is complete. Alcoholism, like any other addiction, is the regulation of feelings with psychoactive substances or activities, as is the case with gambling or sex addiction. For those with an alcoholic family background, I advise them to talk to a therapist first so that they know how to talk to the addicted person, persuade them to start treatment and not make mistakes.

What are these mistakes?

For example, protecting the alcoholic from the consequences of drinking. It is a mistake when we give in to the requests of a hungover husband who asks us to call the boss and excuse our absence. In this way, we give him the comfort of drinking. The alcoholic knows that he can always count on the help of his mother, wife or children, who will additionally “jump” for a hangover beer and put broth in bed.

What else should we not do or say when a loved one is addicted to alcohol?

We must not consider it a disgrace. An alcoholic is simply a sick person, upset in life, and therefore must be treated. There is also little point in getting into arguments with him and blackmailing him, for example: “If you really love me, you will quit drinking” or “I will divorce you if you continue to drink”. Most of the time, we don’t honor such threats, so they don’t make sense. Another important point is not taking seriously the promises of no-drinking that the alcoholic makes. Nor can we pretend to believe such declarations. It is ineffective to keep track of how much the alcoholic has drunk or pour out any alcohol found. He will buy himself a new vodka or beer anyway.

It is said that when a person reaches the bottom, it is only then that he decides to start therapy.

It also happens, but the bottom line for each alcoholic may be different. For one, it will be the loss of a driving license after driving under the influence, for another, the loss of a job, family or roof over head. Every alcoholic reaches some bottom at some point, in therapy we call it external motivation. In the process of recovering from addiction, it should turn into internal motivation – I want to sober up for myself.