How and why do we punish loved ones?

​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​Today’s topic sounds mysterious: «How and why do we punish loved ones.» I’ll try to explain what I meant. For me, in general, the question of punishing a person for some kind of misconduct is very difficult, even if this person is a child and is no longer very small. Because, as they say about dogs, when they are brought up, they should by no means postpone punishment, i.e. if the animal has done something, then it should immediately receive your reaction. Not in the sense that you should beat him for this, but in the sense of somehow demonstrating your rejection of his behavior, reprimanding him. Dogs understand this very well. I don’t know, they say cats need to be slapped or splashed so that they understand that if they do this, it will be like this, it will be scary, for example, or wet.

With people it’s different. Remember the stories, for example, with delayed punishments, which were designed in different educational institutions. In Hitchcock’s memoirs, this is described seriously, when in a Jesuit boarding house on Saturday they punished everyone who was guilty of something in a week. And that was the most terrible expectation: the corresponding Jesuit brother would come, everyone would line up in a queue… Of course, we still remember how Gorky was punished in his childhood. It’s all, of course, corporal punishment.

I would like to talk about when your loved one not only did something, but you reacted directly: “Yes, how could you?” — or something else like that, or they were offended, or burst into tears, or shouted, etc., namely about punishment: “You behaved badly and you will get something for this …” Do you practice this in your life?

For example, I read a phrase on the Internet that one lady writes: “My husband, in a fit of anger, can forbid me to go to the hairdresser or buy some kind of rag, but not forever, but like a punishment …”. This just illustrates very well what I would like to talk about today. And most importantly, the question: why? Is it an efficient method? I hope that after all no one flogs each other in most cases. How do adults build such a system of relationships?

Mikhail Lukashkin writes to us: “Most often, we punish our loved ones by forcing them to draw attention to ourselves …”. In general, it seemed to me that drawing attention to yourself was not such a punishment, and especially if those close to you are somehow dear. Indeed, in a measured life, we do not notice the pain that accumulates in the souls of loved ones, we punish with a conflict on a domestic basis, for example. It would seem a trifle, but it reveals the problem for one, two, three … Mikhail, in some ways I understand that a certain scandal arises if you behave incorrectly, and in this way you will find out that you are wrong. But this is not just a punishment as such. And when you have already figured out that yes, the person returned later than the specified time, and you were worried or something else happened. There is a conversation: “I was waiting for this,” or “I was worried about you, your phone was turned off!” — and further: — «From tomorrow you will not have lunch with us», — or — «That’s why tomorrow I will not go anywhere with you», — or something else.

Are there such stories in your life, and how does it work? Do you really have a punishment system in your family? It is clear, yes, I exclude spanking from our everyday life because it seems to me that this is a separate story. By the way, I don’t know how true this story is, but on some of the Orthodox sites where questions were asked to the priest, allegedly, I don’t know how reliable it is, the woman reported that her husband punishes physically on Saturdays. And here she is, in general, not against it. She wonders if it’s good? And the priest says that if you, so to speak, by mutual agreement, then very well. If, of course, such an upbringing is accepted by you, then thank God and it’s good. I don’t know, maybe it’s made up, but many people refer to this dialogue, and I saw it in a variety of places.

So, Elena writes that «the older I get, the softer and more attentive I am to my relatives, and before that I could seriously offend.» Lena, but still, offending and punishing are not quite the same thing. It seems to me that punishment is a kind of delayed reaction. Because the instant reaction is when they get angry at you, when they complain to you, when you see that your loved ones somehow behave very excitedly. This, in my opinion, is already punishment enough, especially if you realize that you were wrong.

Dmitry writes that “when he was offended, as a punishment he could be silent with his parents for a whole month. I mean, I don’t talk to them.» Yes, I think this is a very common method of punishment. I just wonder who suffers more from this punishment: the one who punishes, or the one who is punished. Interesting, because in theory a person should, as a result of punishment, realize that he was wrong and somehow correct himself, somehow behave differently.

“When close people suddenly break down on me, they can accuse me of something in a bad mood, then I immediately begin to be silent and look straight into my eyes in bewilderment. After that, the guilty person begins to think and he himself comes to the conclusion that he is guilty. Interesting, I’d like to practice this look.

I understand if people quarreled and do not talk, so as not to say too much. This, in general, is not a punishment, it is a direct reaction to the conflict. I can understand when you quarreled before going to the cinema, and your companion or companion refused to go to the cinema with you, because it’s just unpleasant to be with you at this very moment. It doesn’t seem like a punishment to me either. But if you quarreled, and for this you will not go to the cinema, — this seems to me to be the very thing.

Sergey writes: “I am a gay person, and my lover and I never punish each other, because it is pointless.” A person must realize his guilt, apparently, himself. The message breaks, yes there is such an option.

Rupricht: “This method with silence is simply idiotic and, by the way, purely feminine. Shut up and walk silently, try to guess because of what. Rupricht, yes. Although I assure you, as the opposite side, that he is far from being purely feminine.

«Children on their knees, on peas.» What about adults?

So. Wow, “my mom always found the most precious thing for me, and a phone or a guitar flew into the wall,” Lena writes to us from Cologne. It all flew in Kyiv. Yes, an interesting way of punishing an adult in general. As far as I understand, if you already have such things, then you are at least a teenager.

They write from Samara that truly loving parents do not punish their child. I don’t know how loving a parent I am. For example, I do not know how to postpone or threaten. We figured out and understood who was right and who was wrong. What’s next.

“As for relatives, especially daughters, I punish with silence, employees with ignorance, in my opinion, it is very effective,” writes Igor from St. Petersburg, an entrepreneur. Yes, I can probably see that silence is leading so far.

Hello, hello.

LISTENER: My name is Irina Vasilievna. I wanted to talk to you about how my son punishes me. We were at the restaurant for his mother-in-law’s birthday party. I put the fork to my mouth and I can smell it sour. I tell him, (quietly) «Here it smells — take a try.» He tells me — «if you don’t want, don’t eat.» The husband then says, «give me.» He took it, tried it and said: “Eat faster, this is veal, it cools down quickly.” I took it from him, began to eat, but did not find the veal.

HOST: Irina Vasilievna, how did your son punish you?

LISTENER: Later, when we were already walking out of the restaurant, he told me that he was punishing me with words, I took away a month of his life.

HOST: Yeah, that is, he reprimanded you.

LISTENER: Yes, and now he reprimands me all the time, and I say: “What should I not eat? Or to tell a lie: “how delicious” so as not to offend people? What to do? And we have many such cases.

HOST: Irina Vasilievna, thank you very much for this call. I really sympathize with you, because, apparently, relations with your son are difficult, but maybe you will negotiate before you go somewhere? For example: «Mom, just now we are silent, now we are not saying anything, now we are going out to people.» But in general it is not good when a child, already an adult, is embarrassed by his parents. If it seems to him that his mother is not behaving correctly, it seems to me that it is not worth demonstrating this at all, maybe I’m wrong.

“My dad in his youth liked to take away a tape recorder, what a bore he was then, God forgive me, now he seems to have improved. Carlos.» Thank you very much, Carlos, for this memory.

Alla writes that “a colleague at work forces his underage sons to do push-ups as a punishment.” Yes, you know, this punishment was very common in the pioneer camp. If they made noise after lights out, they went out into the hall and either squatted with a bedside table on outstretched arms, or did push-ups.

Here Sergei gives advice: «In any scandal, I lower the timbre and volume of my voice, reduce the number of words — it helps.» Well, again, this is how to behave in a scandal, I can perfectly imagine that after the actual scandal, Sergei does not announce to his counterpart that he is somehow punishing him there.

“As a child, they were punished: they were deprived of sweets, they were not allowed to go outside for insubordination and self-indulgence.” Can an adult be punished like that?

Pavel, well done for remembering this: “The main thing is not to confuse punishment with REVENGE.” Today something happened, and tomorrow you will behave in such and such a way, or you won’t go somewhere, or you won’t get something. You upset me, and for this I will avenge you. Just one of the options for the so-called «deferred punishment.»

“If the son has not done his homework, I forbid him to play the iPad. If the daughter didn’t clean up after the animals, then I don’t let them watch cartoons, ”writes Yuri. Well, yes, in general, such a completely, quite running version of punishment. I probably already have too big a child, and if I didn’t clean up after the animals, just ask to clean up.

«Punishment is the revenge of the powerless.» Yes…

So: “The mother-in-law already has two warnings,” they write to us from the Irkutsk region.

Wow, mother-in-law, control yourself, you already have two warnings, soon you will be shown a red card. By the way, also a football version of punishment, first yellow, then red.

LISTENER: Hello, Nikolai from Moscow. You don’t need to throw at a cat or a dog, but if he steals something from the table, then this is what he feeds, what he loves and nothing else, and he stops stealing.

And as for people, well, if the younger one gets really bad, then you plant a virus on him from a flash drive and let him poke around for a long time and tediously, this is the biggest punishment, on the one hand, and on the other hand, it develops.

HOST: Nikolai, wait, wait, wait, this is just the most interesting moment, this is the same as with push-ups, it seems to be for the benefit of a person, but it should be a punishment, how is it, how to combine it?

LISTENER: You punish him by not being able to communicate with his friends. And on the other hand, he starts programming, trying to cure his computer.

HOST: An educational version of punishment, Nikolai, tell me, if it so happened that you didn’t share something with your wife, or she was wrong, she did something wrong. Can you punish her with something? Deprive something?

LISTENER: Yes, of course: you set a series of alarm clocks that turn the computer off and on on command.

HOST: Does it work with adults? Is it possible? It works?

LISTENER: Well, it’s difficult, then who will supply water? Who will visit in old age?

HOST: Well, the youngest will, he will learn to be a programmer and will take care of you

LISTENER: Children need to be limited, and on the one hand you punish, but on the other hand, in general, you teach, and I advise everyone to install filters after all …

HOST: Everything is clear, Nikolai, thank you very much, unfortunately no one punished me in this way in my childhood, so I don’t know how to do it at all, unlike your younger one.

Tanya from Lipetsk writes: «My daughter and I made an agreement not to make comments to each other.» — A good thing.

So: “My grandmother punished me with silence, I suffered a lot,” Natalya writes. “When the children or the husband did something wrong and did not understand the words, she involuntarily began to be silent, realizing the futility of the speeches. It turned out to be the most efficient. And when I tried to deprive the children of some pleasures, I met a very surprised look.

Yes, I don’t know, maybe someone like Nikolai has the only right way, and very often these deprivations cause only some kind of response. That is, now he does not feel guilty, but injured, and it seems to me that this does not really work.

Ira from Tambov: “I punished my 9-year-old son, put me in a corner, I didn’t want to do my homework. The next day, instead of lessons, he asked me to put him in a corner.

By the way, Ira, but with a 9-year-old man you have to keep your eyes open.

“As a child, I was always obedient, but I studied very badly, they punished me for this, my mother was silent, my father basically tried to talk, it rarely reached the belt.” But talking is not a punishment, is it?

“Never scoffed at all sorts of hardships. I remember one time very much, they went to a meeting at school, I was very nervous in anticipation of the worst, and they came and gave me the record “The Little Prince”. Since then, I decided that we are really responsible for those whom we tamed, I decided that I would not have a family, ”writes Tront. Wow story.

So: “Often when I tell my mother that she didn’t call at the right time, she says:“ well, well, ”in such a tone that her conscience torments all day.” Here is a very effective punishment.

So, Igor from St. Petersburg writes about the system of punishment: “I never raise my hands and raise my voice to any of the people dear to my heart.” Well, great, Igor.

Dramatic story from the Sverdlovsk region: “My girlfriend loves to be friends with people, especially male people. With the expression of sympathy on their part, he completely loses his head. Twice I caught her at tête-à-tête meetings with one of her admirers, both times I spoke, once again — we will part, ignored her for a day or two, now everything is repeating, secret SMS, secret meetings, and she herself talks about our relationship as about very warm and close. I love, I don’t want to leave, but I understand that this is perhaps the only effective option. Well, you know, if so, and you are not satisfied with the fact that the girl is friends not only with you, then I’m afraid you don’t have many options, and it seems to me that taking away her handbag or not allowing her to go to the hairdresser here, apparently, is not will work.

So … “… my dad wrote out a strap for me. I am grateful to him for this, but … ”then the recording breaks off, apparently they don’t apply this to their children. I don’t know, to be honest, I can’t imagine anything more humiliating than physical violence. That is, you seemed to be to blame, you were ashamed, and you understood that you had acted badly, upset people dear to you. After that, people dear to you, grinning, came to you with a stick, and you are the Victim. And these torments of conscience as never happened.

“Mom, after I mowed as a child, was simply upset or offended, and my conscience tormented me” (Andrey from Kazan). This is exactly what I wanted to say, because if after that she also got into a fight, then, probably, the story would be completely different.

“If you severely punish children, you can offend them for life and make them enemies,” Elena writes. I think yes.

“In order to deeply offend a person, you need to bleat “Thank you for youeeee ….”. Well… I don’t know… I don’t think at all that a person should be deeply offended, even if he behaved badly.

Julia: “My mother punishes my husband by not communicating with him or with his grandchildren.” Julia, well, who suffered as a result? Mom does not communicate with either her son or her grandchildren. It seems to me that she herself suffers from this. If not, then it is not at all clear what the point is.

“In childhood, of course, there were punishments, but what — an hour and a half of boring edification. How I was afraid of that! After such a punishment, you will think ten times before you do something, ”writes Felix. True, boring edifications are sometimes worse than spanking, I agree.

Lida writes: “My friend fines her husband.” Perfectly! Great option. That’s about it, please, in more detail in the next part — this is a typical case, do not go anywhere.

Vladimir Ivanovich from Kaliningrad writes: “once upon a time, 35 years ago, I put my daughter in a corner … and forgot. Fuss, guests, we do not have time. Since the cut off, no punishments, only encouragement and the obligatory «You’re done!». I don’t even ask Vladimir Ivanovich if he punished adult relatives. It seems to me that this story somehow sunk into his soul.

“Regular punishments bring up sadists, masochists or sadomasochists,” Sergei believes. You know, there are very different people, there are people who take punishment for granted and who would even like to be punished so as not to be so tormented by their conscience, for example. Well, there are such situations and there are such people. Not in the sense of experiencing physical pain, but to work out what they recognize as a bad deed. So maybe there is something in it. There are people whom punishment (deprivation or something else) terribly humiliates, and they stop feeling guilty.

«The cat should be punished by not letting the cats out.» You know, Oleg, this happens with adults. By the way, a listener wrote here that she punished her teenage son with the absence of trips: she herself went abroad to the sea, and him only to the country. He says that he grew up well.

Igor from Syzran writes: “It so happened that I was often punished not by my parents, but by my brother, and often under the influence of alcohol — even for floating tea leaves above. Now everything is much more even between me and him, but resentment for life. Yes, Igor, it’s still terrible when people are punished not for guilt, but simply because the mood is bad.

“If there is no feeling of guilt, there is no punishment, the feeling of guilt is a destructive feeling” … I didn’t quite understand, expand the thesis.

“It is impossible to discuss the actions of children and the measures taken by the parent without taking into account age characteristics, invite the teacher to the transfer.” Vladimir, we are not discussing children at all now, the right word.

“My mother beat me for everything, not understanding who was right and who was wrong, and in the future she could not understand why I could hardly stand her. I don’t let go of my hands, I just keep quiet — it affects mine, ”writes Elena.

Let’s still return to the topic of relatives (more often adults) — I’m just worried about the issue of punishing adults. Here they wrote that the husband refused the planned purchases to his wife as a punishment, however, she herself earned. And another writes that as a result of a quarrel, she begins to spend money at a double rate.

“If my grandmother had punished me with silence as a child, I would have been hooligans all the time — she’s just a terrible talker,” writes Stas. Well, you see, even silence does not cause an adequate reaction for everyone.

Of course, we are not talking about some global things, we are rather talking about whether you have adopted such punishments rather for adult family members, because with children we already understand more or less how it happens.

Deprive of sex as a punishment of the spouse. It seems to me that this is absolutely some kind of stupidity, if as a punishment. If you don’t have the strength to indulge in love with this person, because you are offended — this is one thing, but when as a punishment … I don’t know …

“I am pleased to receive punishment from those who love me,” writes Eugene. I wonder if you pay fines or refuse to go fishing?

“Children cannot be punished, I am sure of this, my son is now 32 — he has grown up wonderfully, and now I am ashamed that I punished him, you need to love and talk, and he will be rewarded for it” …

“In our family, we are both conscientious, so resentment occurs mainly due to misunderstandings. Still, no matter how close you are, someone else’s soul is dark, so explanatory ones usually follow. I consider myself the head of the family, out of pride I can not immediately admit that I was wrong. Clear.

SL: My name is Tatyana, I wanted to tell you how my husband punished me. If we quarreled and swore, he left the house, went to the country, and also turned off the phone and it was impossible to get through to him.

HOST: So you are looking for him in a panic and hysteria, but he does not answer the phone?

LISTENER: Yes, he does not answer the phone, he does not consider it necessary.

HOST: Tell me, did you feel especially guilty then? Did you acknowledge your guilt?

LISTENER: No, no, it caused me a very strong offense, in general, by the 15 years of our life together, I had such a state that I no longer wanted to live with him. I don’t understand how it’s possible to take it, get ready, leave home … turn off the phone … and now we haven’t lived together for 2 years.

HOST: I see, Tatyana, thank you very much, but in fact I was waiting for such a call, because it seems to me that there are seemingly non-criminal types of punishment that do not cause a feeling of remorse from the opposite side, but rather hostility. This, it seems to me, happens very often.

LISTENER: Hello, hello, my name is Andrey Mikhalych. I just wanted to tell a story about how my mother, God bless her, punished me once in my childhood. I still remember, although I myself have become a double grandfather. Seriously, absolutely! When I was still at school and got two deuces in German … And at that time a new circus was opened, on Vernadsky Avenue. And my mother had invitation cards. And she didn’t take me with her. Can you imagine? I still remember.

HOST: I understand. Is it because of German? That is, you knew that this is a consequence of two deuces?

LISTENER: One hundred percent!

HOST: So Andrey Mikhalych, tell me, but with an adult, you can do this, if he didn’t bring deuces, but I don’t know what he did? Didn’t do what you promised?

LISTENER: Well, the whole point is, it seems to me, what he promised and what he didn’t do. Surely the punishment should be proportionate to the offender.

HOST: My husband came late from work. Not when promised, but three hours later. The wife was worried. Should I be punished for this?

LISTENER: No. For what? If he really was at work, then why punish?

HOST: Well, not at work. Walked, met a friend on the street, went to drink beer.

LISTENER: Well, I could call back and report.

HOST: I forgot

LISTENER: Well, sometimes I have sclerosis. Sorry, married for over 30 years.

HOST: That is, your wife did not punish you for such things?

LISTENER: No. I am not being punished for such things. In my opinion, all human relationships are built on trust and understanding.

HOST: Yes, yes. It’s a great human relationship when it’s built on that foundation. Thank you.

LISTENER: In my opinion, they should be built this way. You are welcome.

HOST: Thank you very much, Andrey Mikhalych.

So. “For me, the worst punishment was when my mother cried because of me.” Sergey. “I was ready to fall through the ground. It would be better to flog with a belt. Yes. You know, it also seems to me that when people quarrel, it’s already … and adults too, the very fact that a person who is dear to you was offended by you, that he suffers, that it’s unpleasant for him, I don’t know, he was worried, he, well I don’t know, he’s angry, but I think it’s already sad enough.

So, “I am correcting my actions for the future,” Stasya writes, apparently realizing his guilt.

Sergey writes: “Life is short, and it’s just stupid to be offended and swear.” Sergei, you know, just when Tatyana was talking about these demonstrative departures from home. It seems to me that if people quarreled in such a way that there is no direct strength, you can disperse for a couple of days “live there somewhere”, but this should be a mutual agreement, and not just “white light like a pretty penny” left there and does not answer to calls. Because this is a really dangerous case. It’s very scary during these departures, when you stopped talking in a quarrel, and then, God forbid, something happened to a person. This is what I think is the scariest thing that can happen.

Vitaly writes from St. Petersburg: «If you want to punish someone, go cut some wood.» Vitaly, I imagined my house and realized that I would be walking for firewood for a long time.

“Phrases You upset me. It seems to me more than enough,” writes Vladimir Ivanovich from Kaliningrad. Vladimir Ivanovich, yes, sometimes it is even more than possible, than necessary.

«Do not be offended. You have to understand.» Well, it’s embarrassing. People forget about what you have, I don’t know, a holiday, a birthday, or something else, and it’s very disappointing to notice what comes there, I don’t know, not that without a gift, but God knows when, and with twisted face. But on the other hand, they also have reasons for this.

“A familiar doctor said that the human backside was created for punishment with a belt.” Sergey, yes, there are no really important organs. Indeed, well, no matter how much it hurts, but it’s humiliating Sergey, well, there’s nothing to be done.

“Any punishment of a loved one is a punishment of oneself. Punishing yourself turns into punishment for loved ones, ”Tanya noticed such a cycle.

“Those who have not served in the army know nothing about punishments. But there is no one closer than a colleague on whom your life depends. Sergey, but in the army, as far as I understand, it is not a colleague who most often punishes a colleague, the one who is closer, but rather the authorities punish you all. And as I understand it, it was very accepted in the Soviet school, I don’t know, someone broke a light bulb over the blackboard and the whole class will be punished. Remember, this is… How wonderful it was. By the way, the spirit of collectivism developed very much from this. In confronting these evil tyrants, very often relations in the class became better.

“Spouses are equal, so no one has the right to punish. Only conversation.» Well, we’re not saying that one can and the other can’t in return. It is clear that this should be mutual.

Yes, a couple more seconds. “I think that it is possible, but for serious misconduct, and that it was not in anger, irritation, and that it was not revenge.” But what if it’s not already in anger and irritation, and at the same time not revenge? Revenge is a dish best served cold, isn’t it? Namely, that you have already cooled down and after that, the very person with whom you are already generally not angry, you punish for something. I don’t know, it seems to me that this is just that … It’s clear when there is a surge, and when it’s in a day or there sometime, after a few hours, it’s strange.

Vladimir from Moscow writes: “If you punish your loved ones, you get Pavlik Morozov.” Oh, Vladimir, as far as we can judge from the latest data, Pavlik Morozov had such a … hmm … a lousy fate, and in general such a muddy story that it’s better not to even give it as an example.

I am announcing the result of the survey: 72,4% believe that it is impossible to punish loved ones at all, and 26,7% believe that there are situations when it is worth punishing.

“Punishment is just revenge, and revenge is always meaningless,” says Vyacheslav from Samara.

“I don’t scold my wife and won’t call her bad, because I took a good one, it was with me that she became like that. Mayakovsky. Perfectly.

“My girlfriend can not talk to her husband for weeks without explaining the reasons, but he is poor, he endures for 26 years.” Olya, maybe he likes her silent? You know, sometimes the punishment chosen is just that…. Well, you probably read in children’s books when a child chooses as a punishment just what he, in fact, would like. Well, here’s how in the case: instead of lessons, stand in the corner. Well, it’s lovely, you stand in the corner, you don’t do your homework. Great!

“If close people live in a system of punishment, then the case is “seams”. There is no love, no understanding, no respect between them.” Irina, maybe there is just some kind of misunderstanding? And this is really a problem.

«My parents never punished and punishment as a mode of action is not present in my life.» Interesting … Olga, you know, I also somehow don’t remember situations now when I could do everything for myself, well, how to apply it to myself. It happens that there are all sorts of stories with loved ones, with different ones, not necessarily husbands, wives and adult children, adult parents. Anything happens, but these options, which were written about here and, of course, the deprivation of the most golden marital intimacy, which seems to me some kind of outright idiocy, because if you don’t want, you don’t want, and if you want, but you don’t give — then it’s kind of weird.

“This year it has become a punishment for me to read other people’s letters with grammatical errors, and if I make a mistake, then it turns into self-flagellation.” Igor, well, these are some general words, this is an approximate story. I’m just wondering if there was at least one among you who was punished by relatives, adult parents of an adult child or wife-husband and you realized that now, under pain of this punishment, you will never do this, for example. That is, this punishment worked. You were deprived of something, not allowed to go to the hairdresser or to go fishing, and now you are afraid of this, and you will never do the same again.

Let’s listen to the call again.

LISTENER: Hello, hello! My name is Irina Mikhailovna. I am from Moscow. As a child, my stepfather punished me with silence. Moreover, this silence lasted a very long time, sometimes six months, sometimes even longer. It was only when I became an adult that I realized that this was how he punished my mother. Because she suffered the most.

HOST: Irina Mikhailovna, please forgive me. And tell me, you later this experience, which you later realized … I don’t know … Were you afraid to hurt a loved one in this way, already being an adult yourself?

LISTENER: Of course.

HOST: I.e. Couldn’t you punish with silence?

LISTENER: No. I didn’t punish at all. Rarely. Well, more talk.

HOST: Well, I understand. Those. You have made your claims. It’s not a punishment, it’s a natural move. I understand, thank you very much, Irina Mikhailovna.

By the way, what Irina Mikhailovna said is very important. When one is punished, and other family members should suffer the most. And these quarrels between some family members bring suffering to other family members. By the way, the story about the fact that a grandmother punishes her son by not seeing her grandchildren, this is the same story: grandchildren can very quickly wean themselves from their grandmother, and the grandmother herself will quickly remain with her own, as they say.

“The worst punishment for a grandmother is to deprive her of the TV.” To be honest, I couldn’t. I can advise my grandmother not to watch any channels that annoy her terribly, but depriving her of the TV is somehow …. I can’t even imagine this.

Let me remind you once again that after all, 72% of those who called believe that it is impossible to punish loved ones. I’ll tell you a secret that in most cases children shouldn’t even be punished, because if a person brings bad marks from school, for example, there can be a million reasons for this. And do not assume that he is just a slob and does not want to study … Why does he not want to? Why doesn’t he want to be here? Why doesn’t he want to learn this? In general, there is a need to understand in any case. And if a child behaves somehow wrong, it seems to me that punishment is the easiest way. And somehow solve this problem. There are much more difficult, much longer, but without punishment.

Andrei from Kazan writes: “It is not punishment that works, but the realization that he was wrong. If I myself understood this, then I try not to do it anymore, and if I still think that I was right, no punishments and insults will help. That’s right, Andrew. It seems to me that this is the case for many people and, by the way, even for children.

Thank you all, all the best!