How and what to talk with the elderly?

A year after the death of his mother, the Israeli artist Alexander Galitsky left a good, prestigious job and got a job as a woodcarving teacher in a nursing home. This work allowed him to communicate daily and a lot with older people, taught him to listen, interact, find a common language. Sasha Galitsky described the 15-year experience of this communication in the book “Mom, Don’t Cry” (Zakharov, 2018). When publishing a fragment from the book, we asked the psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin to comment on and supplement the author’s observations.

What to talk about with them?

“You know, you’re the only person here that you can just laugh at,” Wolf, 83, tells me in class.

Neighing, I’ll tell you, it’s very important. For example, old people of both sexes will be very confused by talking about sex: “We can’t really do anything anymore, so at least talk about it!” But first, let’s talk about what you can’t talk about with old people.

• All manifestations of pity are prohibited. Pity offends old people. Because pity is humiliating. Getting old isn’t easy. I don’t want to get old. And pity doesn’t help at all. Vice versa. What to regret, where better to joke. Humor helps a lot.

• It is forbidden to continue yesterday’s quarrels, if any. In no case. It is forbidden to prove and try to explain again what could not be explained yesterday. This is a useless exercise that will only set the wrong tone of the conversation from the very beginning.

• Prohibited fake conversations «down» such as: «Daddy, you can», «Mom, pull yourself together», «Hold on.» Remember that, most likely, parents are already trying as much as possible to save the outgoing forces, and it’s not worth saying these meaningless words once again.

• Finally, it is forbidden to tell the elderly about their difficulties and problems. Because it’s more expensive for yourself — they torture you with advice. Otherwise, you can talk to them about anything. Most importantly, from the very beginning, once and for all, forbid yourself to evaluate what they say — in general, completely. In order to properly talk with the elderly, you need to firmly take the position of an observer and never leave it under any circumstances.

Listen, learn, don’t argue. Become a «young naturalist» interested in studying the diversity of species. Then you can talk to the old people about anything.

One of my acquaintances, a 93-year-old girl, for example, spent her whole life waiting in vain for a meeting of humanity with extraterrestrial civilizations. And in order not to feel upset about this, at some point I internally decided that such a meeting did happen. We talked a lot about aliens inhabiting our planet. It was very interesting.

There is good talk about medicines, about medical details of modern methods of treating all sorts of ailments and sores. About their illnesses — worse. Try it. Do not want? Well, do not talk about their illnesses, if they do not want to. About politics, great. But do not argue — listen more and assent, if you can stand it. If not, we’re off topic.

A special category are conversations-memories of the past. They are probably the most desired conversations of all, because they take old people into the past and make them feel young. It’s good that we can help them with this. Professional conversations about previous work work especially well in this sense.

For example, 92-year-old Yosef can tell me for hours how in the 60s he manually bored cylinders from old American automobile Ford engines with files and what a long queue of people who wanted to bore him then stood.

A separate topic, completely trouble-free, is talking about the successes of grandchildren and their future. Just be sure to remain a «young naturalist» here too. Don’t argue. Listen. Surprise yourself. Remember that in reality the future of your children depends only on them and on you. And it does not depend at all on what grandparents think about this.

Having the right conversation is one of the greatest pleasures you can give an elderly parent. True, you need to be able not only to start and conduct such conversations, but also to end them correctly. On a topic that is pleasant to them, old people are able to talk endlessly, with details and details.

And if you, having heard enough, abruptly interrupt the conversation, you can easily offend the old man very much. To prevent this from happening, it is best to refer to circumstances beyond your control — the ending break at work, an important meeting, a matter that cannot be canceled.

It’s even better if you let us know ahead of time. Well, during the conversation, if it gets hard or you get bored, just abruptly change the subject. Old people usually don’t get upset about this at all. The main thing for them is to communicate and that the topic is pleasant, the rest is not so important. We are the conductors here.

The only, but very serious limitation is that the topic of conversation should not annoy parents. This is a taboo that must be strictly observed. By the way — and at the same time they will just try, on the contrary, to talk about what annoys us. It’s OK.

All that needs to be done in this case is, without supporting such a conversation in any way, to distract them, switch their attention to any other topic. For example, an unexpected question to the father: “Dad, tell me how in the 70th year you managed to buy a humpbacked Zaporozhets for 900 rubles almost without a queue?” can greatly help out in a difficult moment of a rapidly brewing scandal. Try it just in case.»

An excerpt from Sasha Galitsky’s book «Mom, Don’t Cry» (Zakharov, 2018).

«To show pity is not harmful!»

Grigory Gorshunin, psychiatrist

Quarrels are often provoked not by old people, but by those who care for them. Caring for the elderly is a difficult task, mentally and physically, and it in itself becomes a source of tension in the family. It is easy to advise the caregiver: «do not argue.» But in reality, tired spouses and children themselves often look for a reason for conflict in order to throw out irritation on their ward. Yes, and the old parents are well aware of our weak points and step on them, not restraining themselves at all.

Therefore, I would not recommend starting any conversations at all, if you feel tired and annoyed, it is better to transfer the communication to another time. If you notice that you are constantly hostile and can break loose at any moment, think about finding a replacement for yourself — in this state, there will still be no normal care. There is no way to invite assistants — ask the doctor to prescribe sedatives for you. I often notice: as soon as the caregiver comes to his senses, his ward calms down. But the opposite is rarely the case.

A joke is not a universal technique. It is indeed useful to include anecdotes and jokes in the conversation, but only on condition that the elderly person retains a sense of humor. Unfortunately, not all old people are optimistic, many are depressed of varying degrees of depth, and it is not easy to distract them from sad thoughts with humor — witticisms will rather cause resentment or irritation.

Quite often there is such a variant of senile dementia as frontotemporal dementia — it affects the regulation of emotions and behavior. Such old people become too liberated, lustful, overly funny. They easily respond to humor, and this is good for establishing contact. But there is a downside: obscene jokes about sex excite them and provoke them to some inappropriate actions, molestation. In this case, it is better for the person who cares to behave with more restraint and firmly set boundaries.

Showing pity is not harmful. What’s wrong with hugging, kissing, carrying a bag, sympathizing? This is an opportunity to show that you understand and share the plight of a loved one. Many old people feel weak, sick, and in pity, participation, compassion, they see care and attention, and not something humiliating for themselves. Of course, it is important not to put yourself above the one you feel sorry for.

Older people are better off when they are spoken to clearly. «Mom, get yourself together!» — it depends on your intonation what will sound in this phrase — respect and care or arrogance. Many older people need clear instructions, specific tasks. Clear instructions mean that you are in better control of the situation and that you are taking whatever steps are necessary to make the old person feel better.

The rules are set by the one who cares. It is on his emotional state that the whole atmosphere in the house depends, so he builds the life of elderly parents for himself, in the way that suits him. Then he will burn out less emotionally and find resources to help his father or mother.

Many children, having become adults long ago, continue to obey their parents in everything. They are not able to insist on their own, to make a decision that they consider correct. But if adult children, who in fact have taken responsibility for the life and health of their parents, give in to their authority and are afraid to impose their will, chaos ensues in the house. This topic needs to be worked out by a psychologist.

Keep them updated on family issues. It is necessary to talk about what is happening in the family if these changes can affect their lives — the illness of a relative or your divorce. But other problems of personal life can not be mentioned.

In principle, any topic is suitable for communicating with the elderly, be it politics or sports, if it does not cause strong negative emotions in them and does not provoke a conflict.

It is especially useful to raise issues in which the elderly feel confident and competent. For example, ask about ancestors, leafing through a family album together. Or ask for professional advice in areas in which they are well versed — in construction, caring for plants or animals, cooking certain dishes.

Don’t forget about body contact. An elderly person who is depressed can perceive any topic negatively, be capricious, and deviate from the conversation. In this situation, any bodily contact, respectful and friendly — to stroke, hold the hand, hug — helps and supports better than any words. Your closeness is pleasant and important for the elderly.