Divorce or parting with a loved one is a huge stress. Friends convince him to put all thoughts about him out of his head and not to think about what happened. But their advice only makes things worse. Why? The fact is that when we try to suppress unwanted thoughts, we find ourselves at the mercy of the “polar bear effect”.
The polar bear got into the history of world psychology thanks to the Russian classic Leo Tolstoy – more precisely, his older brother. The future writer lived with his brothers in Yasnaya Polyana. There, the boys created a secret “ant brotherhood”, one of the goals of which was to make sure that “people do not know any misfortunes, never quarrel and do not get angry, but would be constantly happy.” To achieve the goal, it was necessary to complete certain tasks every day, the most difficult of which was invented by the eldest of the brothers, Nikolai. He decided that for everyone’s happiness, he had to stand in a corner and not think about the polar bear. “I remember how I … tried, but could not help but think about the polar bear …” – Leo Tolstoy would write many years later in “Memoirs”.
Much later, in the 80s, this story came to the attention of the American social psychologist Daniel Wegner. He set the same task for the students. Despite clear instructions, participants in the Wegner study1 not only did they struggle to suppress thoughts of the forbidden polar bear: its image surfaced in their minds with haunting frequency.
Do not forbid yourself to think about former relationships, but switch your attention to other things, schedule your day, allocating time for your favorite activities.
The “polar bear effect” (also called the “boomerang effect” and the “ironic process effect”) is perfectly applicable to human relationships. After parting with someone important to you, we make a conscious decision to avoid thinking about him. However, we end up obsessing over it even more.
A breakup can be a very painful experience, comparable in terms of stress to the death of a spouse. Even if you emotionally distanced yourself from your partner at the time of the breakup, at one time you were strongly attached to each other, and the end of a relationship usually causes an acute sense of loss. The intensity of negative emotions depends on the quality and duration of the relationship, as well as what it meant to you. For example, if you were already friends before your romance began, you feel a double whammy.
So what will help to forget about the unsuccessful romance and release the polar bears into the wild?
First of all, do not forbid yourself to think about a partner, advises Daniel Wegner. The best strategy is to shift your attention to other things, schedule the whole day by the hour, making sure to set aside time for your favorite activities, and naturally fill the inner emptiness with more pleasant thoughts.
Avoid stress and additional emotional burden for several months after a divorce. Stress reduces our ability to deal with negative experiences. Don’t block temptations. Just save until later the desire to look at old photos, walk around the places of old dates, or check if something new has appeared on his social network page. First for half an hour, then for several hours or days. Over time, the intervals will increase more and more.
Accept whatever thoughts you have about your ex and at the same time try to develop a positive approach and try to let go of the situation. This is where your sense of humor and self-irony come in handy.
1 D. Wegner et al. «Paradoxical effects of thought suppression». Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 1987, № 57.
2 D. Wegner «Setting free the bears: Escape from thought suppression», American Psychologist, 2011, № 66.