Not all children accept the divorce of their parents with hostility. After all, sometimes this is the only way for a family to maintain peace of mind. However, children are definitely against betrayal and betrayal. In this case, they can close in on themselves for a long time. So it happened with the little heroine of our story.
Sergei and Anna are siblings. Their childhood passed peacefully and carelessly. They always got along and were, as they say, do not spill water. Having matured, everyone created their own family, but everyday life did not prevent them from maintaining warm relations.
Anna married Dmitry, and Sergey found his happiness with Olga. Sergei and Olga quickly had a child – a long-awaited daughter named Irina.
Young people often gathered all together – Dmitry invited his brother and his wife to his place for the weekend, they celebrated the New Year with Sergey and Olga – in general, they soon became one big family.
But a joint vacation interrupted the family idyll
Friends often spent holidays together, and that summer was no exception. The rest was fun and serene – young people enjoyed the hot sun and conquered the depths of the sea. However, soon the mutual feelings of Olga and Dmitry were unexpectedly revealed.
Unable to keep the secret and hide the attraction, the young people decided to confess to treason. Sergei and Anna were, to put it mildly, discouraged. How could their family betray them like that?
Families broke up, young people stopped all contacts, and Anna and Sergey remained to console each other.
Sergey wondered: “How could my beloved wife and mother of my child do this?” Actually, it was Irina, the daughter of Sergei and Olga, who really suffered the most in this story.
The girl was open and cheerful, adored her parents and Anna and her husband. And especially little Ira loved her dad, and for her, her mother’s betrayal became a real tragedy.
Nevertheless, according to a fairly common practice in our country, Ira stayed with her mother. After the unfolding family drama, the girl stopped talking to her parents and hated her stepfather.
From that moment on, the girl’s behavior became unrecognizable – she stopped communicating with everyone, became closed, completely closed in on herself. Over time, Sergei, Anna and their former spouses were able to reconcile, but the girl’s condition never returned to normal. She found a common language only with Gleb, her younger brother, born in the union of Olga and Dmitry.
Why did this happen and how can you help a child who finds himself in a similar situation? Let’s deal with the psychologist Elena Tukhareli.
The fact is that Ira faced betrayal from significant relatives – those whom she trusted. She felt fear, loss of confidence, anxiety about the future, the shock of knowing that all this was happening before her eyes. Probably, the authority of the parents was undermined, which means, according to the child, now they can be ignored and not listened to, the psychologist believes.
How to help a child in such a situation?
● Take him to a psychologist.«After all, Ira will hardly dare to open up to her parents, ”explains Elena Tukhareli. When divorcing, it is important to discuss the situation with the child (yes, he does not make a choice, but he is also a member of the family and has the right to know what is happening). Otherwise, seeing the negative emotions of the parents, their quarrels or indifference, the child can think on his own and “fall” into even greater trauma.
● Show that your love for the child is unchanging.It is important to let him know that a husband and wife are getting divorced, and not mom and dad – parents remain parents and continue to perform their functions. “We need to explain that both parents still love the child and that neither the child nor either parent becomes bad because of the divorce,” says the psychologist.
One way or another, it is unlikely that such an injury will pass without a trace. What can it turn into?
● Constant feeling of abandonment.Already in adulthood, a person will continue to feel that he has been abandoned and betrayed.
● Lack of trust in people and the world. The child develops the attitude “once betrayed once, betrayed later,” Tukhareli believes.
● Low self-esteem.In this connection, difficulties may arise with the construction of any relationship: a person will forever look for that love that was not received in childhood, wanting to fill the inner emptiness.
Elena Tuhareli
Clinical psychologist, consultant psychologist
Certified specialist in cognitive behavioral therapy, family systems therapy, art therapy, teacher, author of articles.
www.psychologies.ru/profile/elena-tuhareli-416/