How a children’s fairy tale rules adult life

One of my clients owns a small business that employs about forty people. But it would be more correct to say that the hostess works for them. She selects the most professionally helpless workers, takes care of them, solves their problems, including personal ones.

This attitude almost led to the collapse of the business. It was at this point that she turned to me for help. After listening to her story, I asked her a question that was unexpected for her: “What fairy tale did you like as a child?”

It turned out that as a child she adored Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Moreover, my client identified herself with the main character, who, in her perception, constantly took care of small and defenseless gnomes, without expecting any benefit for herself. She did not remember the continuation of the fairy tale, where the dwarves save Snow White from the machinations of the evil stepmother.

Here is another example. At the dawn of perestroika, when no one knew about financial pyramids, I accidentally met in a cafe with one of the most famous authors of such a scam later on. Then he was still unknown to anyone. Sitting at the table with him was my colleague, a psychologist who also develops the concepts of commercials. And while talking, they asked me to come up with a creative for the promotion of a venture capital enterprise. I began to ask what they want, what kind of activity is supposed to be?

And the future “pyramid builder”, without going into details, said: “I still have the book “The Adventures of Pinocchio” before my eyes, where there was such a picture: Cat Basilio and Fox Alice convince Pinocchio to bury money on the Field of Wonders in the Land of Fools «. At the same time, his eyes lit up, and he began to recklessly depict this picture in their faces. And then he organized this “Field of Miracles in the Land of Fools” in his life, and people carried their money there to “bury”.

Apparently, in childhood they sympathized with Pinocchio, looking at the same pictures. I remembered this story only a few years later, when the pyramids had time not only to be built, but also to collapse, and millions of people lost their money. And today we constantly hear similar stories — about deceived equity holders and investors.

Turning to your favorite fairy tales is one option for scenario analysis. In childhood, we constantly re-read them, unconsciously identified ourselves with fairy-tale characters, imagined ourselves in their place and experienced the events of their fairy-tale life. Some of the fairy tales could make such a strong impression on us (and not necessarily positive) that they determined our future, formed the basis of our life scenario.

How to discover your scripted fairy tale?

When we ask an adult what fairy tale he especially remembers, he usually gets lost: “Yes, I don’t know.” As a rule, in order to “sort out” these blockages in memory, a special conversation is required. And the interlocutor suddenly clearly recalls that, as a child, he pestered his parents with requests to read the same fairy tale or put on the same record.

But you can also conduct this analysis on your own by identifying recurring scenarios in different areas of our lives, finding what unites them and asking questions to yourself. In the book «I want — I can — I must. Know yourself and act!” (Eksmo, 2021) I give many real examples of how different fairy tale scenarios play out in life.

By looking at them, we can understand how it works for us. But it’s not enough just to remember your favorite fairy tale. When analyzing fairy tales, it is important to pay attention to three points.

1. Hero. With whom do we identify ourselves, which of the characters is close to us. Example: my friend, a well-known general practitioner, is famous for making very accurate diagnoses. Her favorite image, which caused a storm of emotions as a child, was the mouse in «Turnip» — she appears at the very end, but it is her efforts that become the «last straw», thanks to which she manages to pull out the turnip.

Imagine, a council is taking place, eminent professors are discussing a complex medical history and cannot make a final verdict. And then she appears: she looks like a “gray mouse”, short in stature, in a modest suit, her hair is gathered in a bun, she speaks in a low voice. But it is her word that turns out to be decisive — and this is her triumph in life.

2. Moment. Which part of the story do you remember the most? Example: one of my clients never managed to achieve success in business: troubles rained down one after another, more than once I had to start everything from scratch.

At some point, he entered into an unsuccessful contract and lost almost all of his investment. We barely managed to establish the process, but then the partner, whom he invited to share, let down. The enterprise created in another area also went bankrupt.

Every time he achieved something, he failed. «I feel like I’m being blown away,» he complained. It turned out that in childhood his favorite fairy tale was the poem «Ruslan and Lyudmila», and he especially remembered the episode of the battle between Ruslan and the Head.

Ruslan gets very close to the Head, but she blows him away, he flies back, then again, overcoming obstacles, approaches the Head, he is again blown away, and this is repeated several times. It is interesting that he spoke about it in the same emotional way, with the same expression on his face, as about all his failures.

3. Detail. What we remember the most. Example: two of my clients in childhood liked the same fairy tale, where Ivan Tsarevich fights with the Serpent Gorynych. At the same time, the first one imprinted in his memory how he cuts one head after another, new ones grow in place of the severed ones, and he cuts and cuts again: this is how he used to deal with problems — he quickly makes a decision and literally “cuts off” everything that interferes.

And the second one is trying to solve problems not in a direct fight, «chopping off heads», but through compromises, using contacts, connections, and does it quite successfully. He remembers very well that in this tale the Serpent Gorynych had a finger that had to be cut off, and then the head itself fell off.

Tale is a lie, but a hint in it

Subconscious reliance on fairy tales or fairy tale characters can support us in life, or it can hinder us. Therefore, it is worth considering what scenarios we live by, “who serves whom”, in other words, who we are: “slaves of the lamp” and act according to its dictation, or does the “genie from the lamp” work for us.

This is important for understanding your «I», the motives of your actions, the reasons for your successes and failures. Let’s try to delve into memory, restore childhood impressions, look into family archives — perhaps our old books or pictures have been preserved there.

Recall your favorite children’s movies and cartoons, especially those that were watched at preschool age. Having “discovered” a favorite fairy tale, we will try to mentally reproduce the whole picture: what scene, what fragment has sunk into the soul, to which we constantly wanted to return. Moreover, we didn’t have to like this fragment — ​it could frighten, disturb, alert, excite.

Let’s try to analyze it, draw parallels with the current, adult life, find recurring events that testify to the presence of one scenario or another in our lives. Perhaps the analysis of favorite fairy tales will help someone realize, remove or at least level their negative scenario program, and someone else will unravel their successful strategies and establish themselves in them.