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On New Year’s Eve and Christmas, many meet with relatives, but these are not pleasant meetings for everyone. What to think of so that the family does not spoil the holiday? Recommendations of psychologist Beverly Flangington.
Winter holidays are a wonderful time, aren’t they? The family gathers at the table, everyone is happy to see each other, gifts are already packed and lie under the tree — thoughtfully chosen, with love and attention to everyone. The house is warm and cozy, communication brings joy …
Unfortunately, for many, this happy scene does not correspond to reality. With some toxic or, more accurately, dysfunctional families, you have to be constantly on the lookout, and the time spent together sometimes turns into torture. Every now and then skeletons crawl out of closets in the form of relatives who are drug addicts or alcoholics, unresolved problems associated with loneliness, divorces, quarrels and fights, spoiled relationships with children, financial difficulties or indifference to each other.
Someone will make a scene, someone will feel devastated after the invested and invaluable efforts, someone will withdraw into himself and move away from his relatives. Alas, for many, the holiday season is a period that needs to be experienced, endured until the moment of farewell to relatives, when it will be possible to exhale and return to normal life.
Psychologist and stress management specialist Beverly Flangzington has compiled a list of tips for those for whom the expectation of a family reunion is stressful: “Before the holidays, you still have time to choose a new behavior strategy. Maybe then you can even enjoy your holidays.”
1. Knowing the «scenario» of the meeting in advance, enlist support
Does your aunt always get on your nerves when you meet her? Does your cousin constantly criticize your lifestyle? Dad never gives you personal gifts and seems to forget to buy you something until the last moment? Don’t expect more from them!
Aunt will do her job, sister and dad will perform as always, but this year you will be able to resist their onslaught. Dedicate one of your friends to the situation, let them be ready to cheer you up: call or write. Send them a message at the most unpleasant moment, let them send a funny meme, anecdote, emoji or emoticon. Anything to make you smile or lift your spirits.
2. Carefully plan where to spend the holidays
Especially if you are feeling lonely right now after losing a loved one. There are many in animal shelters, nursing homes and orphanages who need love and attention. The best way to ease your pain and sadness is to support those who really need it. It is pleasant to be useful and do good, and besides, it will help to briefly distract from your own sadness.
3. Think of an alternative to family gatherings
It’s hard to believe, but if you’re really afraid to show up at a family reunion on a holiday, then you can go somewhere else, do something else. Yes, loved ones will be unhappy. Yes, they will try to make you feel guilty. And yes, they get angry, so what? They will either get over it, or they will be so upset that you will not be invited to family celebrations until next year.
Ask friends and neighbors, find out about public places where you can gather and celebrate the New Year or Christmas instead of dinner with the family. Quite a few spend the holidays alone or surrounded by those with whom they are not connected in any way. You can try this year too.
4. If finances allow, buy gifts for those in need
There are many organizations that support those less fortunate than others. Toys for toddlers, gifts for the elderly, food for animal shelters are just some of the gift options. As a rule, in each city there are specially organized collection points.
If you can’t afford to shop, consider volunteering. Maybe you could help organize a party at the orphanage, or distribute food and clothing to the homeless, or deliver food to animal shelters. This can be an important experience that will distract you from your own problems.
5. Come up with unusual activities for yourself
Depending on where you live and the weather, you can ride a bike, walk or play golf, go to the movies alone. Go on a day trip or, if you have the means, on a short cruise.
Do something not related to the New Year holidays — the main thing is that it gives you joy. Set yourself a goal: watch a new series from beginning to end, knit a scarf, arrange a marathon of reading interesting books. Make a plan to keep yourself busy, entertained and have fun.
6. Take care of your emotional state
If attending festive events with annoying relatives is unavoidable, try to remain mindful when passions flare up around you. Get out into the fresh air and take a few deep breaths. Think of or find a soothing mantra to take your mind off unpleasant experiences, or sing a song to yourself to help you calm down. Make a list in advance of what you can do to soften your reaction to what is happening.
Christmas holidays are just around the corner, sums up Beverly Flangington. It’s time to do everything possible so that the holidays go better than last year, and ideally bring positive emotions.
About the Author: Beverly Flangzington is a psychologist, corporate consultant, and author of Understanding Others in 30 Days.