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Summer holidays are the perfect time to help kids become independent and help parents let go of their fears. Psychologists advise how to learn to let go of control.
As children, we are terribly annoyed by our mother’s endless advice. But when we have children, we start behaving just like our parents. We are afraid for children and do not believe that they will cope with responsibility. What you need to remember and what to learn to cope with fear?
Fear is OK
Fear, like love, is completely inseparable from the direct role of parents. If he is reasonable, then he is able to protect the child, save him from danger, and also convey the concept of risk: with his help, the baby understands that he should not stick out too much out of the window or stick his fingers into the socket.
“It is precisely the fact that the child develops the ability to survive that causes increased parental fear,” explains psychologist Nicole Bianchi. In this case, the age of the child does not play a role at all. The main issue still has to do with the parent-child relationship, be it an infant or a teenager. It is the object of fear that changes, not its nature.
Experiment time
During the holidays, daily habits change, there is much more time and you can explore new horizons. For example, a son wants to go surfing, and a daughter wants to go camping with friends for a couple of days. Hearing this, parents begin to worry and get annoyed. Working moms and dads are already anticipating the appearance of problems and troubles associated with the plans of children.
Most often, parents have rather anachronistic ideas about the abilities of their child.
Summer holidays are busy, active time. On vacation, you have the opportunity to demonstrate your love and closeness to children. But the desires of parents do not always coincide with the desires of children, because of this, summer holidays can turn into a series of quarrels and disappointments.
Learn to let go
Parents must, on the one hand, part with the idea of an ideal child in order to get to know his real one, and on the other hand, decipher the concept of danger to him.
“There are not so many real dangers,” says psychotherapist Chiara Ferrario, “you need to be able to assess them based on the age of the child.” “Most often, parents have rather anachronistic ideas about the ability of their child (who may not be a child at all …) to face danger,” adds Bianchi. “Children, for their part, are well aware of them. This is where all family conflicts originate. The child will want to show how much he has matured, and parents will have to learn to “let go of the reins”. How? By developing faith in your own children,” concludes Ferrario.
Growth is not a linear process
The right attitude to the behavior of the child requires careful work – you must allow him to develop. The process of developing independence is not linear, the child takes big steps both forward and backward. Thanks to the research of the English psychoanalysts John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, it became clear that young children explore the world around them from the “basic base” that adults represent for them. They run away, want to be independent, then return to their parents again in search of shelter, leave again and master the territory step by step.
The child will want to show how much he has matured, and parents will have to learn to “let go of the reins”
At 10 years old, children jump into the sea on the waves and return to the beach to report their adventures. At 16 they go to the most popular cafe on the coast and the next day they challenge their parents with a couple of jokes, checking their reaction. Holidays are the perfect moment to test children’s strengths and capabilities. At 11, they can spend the night in a tent, but in the back garden. At the age of 17, they can go away for a few days with friends, provided that the parents know these friends and they follow a certain route.
Here are some tips to help you overcome parenting fears.
The right attitude for every age
It is a difficult task for parents to always know what to do and what to say if the child demands a certain freedom for himself. Psychologists Chiara Ferrario and Nicole Bianchi tell how to behave in such situations with children of different ages.
2-4 years: first discoveries
What if he gets lost on the beach? What if he goes into the water alone?
What to do? Look after the child, but at the same time allow him to expand the study area, take risks that are adequate to his age. Children from 2 to 4 years old do not yet understand what danger is, so they run away from their parents, guided by curiosity: what’s next? And “further” in this case may be the edge of the beach. Don’t be afraid to let your child experiment. Yes, it can fall, but it will be beach sand, which is not so scary. As a guide, keep in mind the phrase of Donald Winnicott, who said: “A mother shares with her baby a piece of this world, which proportionally increases according to the growing desire of the child to explore everything around.”
6-10 years old: a day at the sports club (paragliding, surfing, horseback riding)
And if he inattentively reacts to the safety rules and something happens to him?
What to do? Instructors always have a diploma or certificate corresponding to their activities. If you are still uneasy – ask you to present it. You have to admit to yourself that you can’t keep your kids safe from everything. Forcing them to live under a glass jar means not allowing them to grow and mature. Risk is part of the learning process: a child must face danger in order to be able to recognize it in the future and know how to deal with it. And the best way to learn this is through sports.
5-12 years old: first vacation without parents (language courses, summer camp)
What if they don’t take care of the kids? What if he gets sick there?
What to do? Believe in your child! Parents are confident that their children, spending the summer without them, will not be able to cope with unfamiliar situations. Real dangerous situations, each of which must be gradually explained to the child, should not be confused with projections of one’s own fears. Faith is not bestowed by anyone, it must be won, to grow means to separate.
10-14 years old: beach friend’s birthday
What is this friend? What are his parents doing?
What to do? Get inquiries. One of the biggest parenting fears is “bad company”. Get to know this friend and his parents, set a reasonable curfew… In order to grow up, a teenager must separate somewhat from his parents, who must not lose authority in the process. To forego certain risks of adolescence is to fear or even deliberately delay the moment when your child becomes independent.
16-17 years old: first forays into a cafe
What if he gets into an accident? What if he tries drugs? What if he forgets the condom?
What to do? It is no longer possible to ban. So be sure to negotiate. The basic principle of parenting oscillates between risk and the adolescent’s ability to face it. It is necessary to explain to him what the real dangers are: fatal (accidents, alcohol, drugs) and related to sexual life. Establish a kind of contract: “I trust you, but you must not go beyond certain limits.” Which? Each family sets its own. If your main fear is a traffic accident, arrange other transportation for your child to get home; if the curfew is violated – punish for being late. Rules that are respected are a guarantee of peace for everyone: you can relax and the children will feel protected (even if they grumble at you).