History of psychology in jokes

Before psychologists, psychiatrists worked with problem people. How?

Psychiatric clinic answering machine: Hello, welcome to the Pavlov Hospital.

— If you have obsessive-convulsive psychosis, press the 1 key until a spasm occurs.

— If you have a split personality, press keys 2 and 3 at the same time.

“If you have stalkerism, then we already know who you are, what you do in life and what you want, so stay on the line until we find out where you are calling from.

— If you are hallucinating, press the 4 key and you (and only you) will see an orange crocodile to your right.

If you are a schizophrenic, ask an imaginary friend to press the 5 key for you.

— If you have depression, then it doesn’t matter which key you press, it still won’t change anything, your case is hopeless, and nothing can help you …

— If you suffer from indecision, leave a message after the beep; or before the signal; or during a signal; in general, whichever you prefer.

— If you have pathological greed, then immediately hang up that.eu, as this is a paid call.

— If you have low self-esteem, please call back later, as now all our operators are busy with people more worthy than you.

How is a psychologist different from a psychiatrist?

— When a psychologist listens to a client, he says: “Uh-huh, uh-huh …”, and the psychiatrist: “Aha, aha! ..”

“I want you to tell me quite frankly about your life, from the very beginning.

— So, first I created the sky and the earth …

— Tell me, are there any cases of megalomania in your family?

“Sometimes my husband claims that he is the head of the family.

The psychiatrist asks the client:

— Tell me, are you really a very indecisive person?

“Yes and no, Doctor.

“Doctor, I am haunted by suicidal thoughts.

«Then I’ll ask for a deposit.»

Psychiatrists talk:

How are you getting on with that guy?

— Yes, I had completely cured him of paranoia, but then they shot him …

At the reception, the psychiatrist shows the patient a sheet on which a triangle is drawn, and asks the patient to tell what he sees in the picture.

— Well, it’s quite simple, doctor! the patient answers. “This is a house where two people make love.

— Hm. Interesting. And what’s that? the doctor asks, showing a square.

“And this is a bed where two people make love.”

— Very interesting. What do you think this is? — the doctor is interested, holding out a circle.

— And this is a pool in which two people make love.

— Well, what is it? — the doctor shows a sheet with a zigzag image.

— Doctor!!! Yes, you’re just a sexy maniac!

“Doctor, tell me, am I not going to die?”

— Pip on your tongue. Do you know how much they scold us for this?

The correspondent asks the director of the lunatic asylum what test is the criterion for discharge.

— We pour a full bath of water, put a teaspoon and a large mug next to it and offer to empty the bath of water.

The reporter smiles and says:

— Well, any normal person will take a mug.

“No,” says the director, “a normal person will pull the cork out.

The roof is on fire — 01, the roof is needed — 02, the roof is going — 03.

Psychology began with the behaviorists

From the trainer’s diary:

Day one: The dog peed on the carpet. I poked her muzzle into a puddle and threw her out the window.

Day two: The dog peed on the carpet. I poked her muzzle into a puddle and threw her out the window.

Day three: The dog peed on the carpet. I again poked her snout into a puddle and threw her out the window.

Fourth day: The dog peed on the carpet… Pushed its muzzle into a puddle and jumped out the window.

One monkey explains to another what a conditioned reflex is: “Look, I will press this button now, and that guy in a white coat will immediately react and give me a banana.”

Behaviorism in Europe was replaced by the psychoanalysis of Sigmund Freud

A patient comes to see a psychoanalyst and pays $50 per visit. He sits down in a chair and is silent. Well, the doctor, of course, tries to talk to him, to find out what his problem is … He is silent … In the end, the doctor resigned himself, he also sits … They are silent … The time for the session has come to an end, the patient says goodbye and leaves. A few days later he comes again, pays, sits down, is silent. The accustomed doctor is also silent. Time, the patient leaves. At the 15th session, the patient says: “Doctor, do you need an assistant?”

The psychoanalyst asks the client:

Tell me, did you happen to have a dream last night?

I don’t know, maybe I dreamed…

— Maybe you saw a fish in a dream?

— No… no…

— What did you dream about?

Well, I was walking down the street…

“Were there puddles in the ditches?”

— Well, I do not know…

Well, could they be there?

“I suppose there might have been puddles in the ditch or somewhere…”

Could there be fish in these puddles?

— No no…

— And in a dream there was a restaurant on the street? You were walking down the street, right?

— Well, maybe there was a restaurant …

— Did the restaurant serve fish?

“Well, I guess the restaurant might—”

— Aha! I knew it! Dream fish! Dream fish!

In Dr. Freud’s office.

— Doctor, my son is just some kind of sadist: he kicks animals with his feet, trips up the elderly, tears off the wings of butterflies and laughs!

— How old is he?

— 4 years.

— In that case, there is nothing to worry about, it will soon pass, and he will grow up to be a kind and polite person.

— Doctor, you have reassured me, thank you very much.

“Not at all, Frau Hitler…

The patient says to her psychoanalyst:

“Doctor, we never quarrel with our husband.

“Strange,” the doctor says. So you are not made for each other.

Psychoanalyst — to the client

“You see, madam, your child has an Oedipus complex.

— Complex, complex … all this is nonsense. If only he loved his mother!

One psychoanalyst says to another:

— I had a reservation yesterday — well, right according to Freud: I wanted to tell my wife: “Darling, pour me some coffee, please,” but it turned out: “You ruined my whole life, you bastard!”

Freud’s daughter Anna asks her father to interpret her dream and says:

“I see Herr Jung coming towards me and giving me a banana, and it’s so green, tough, bittersweet that I threw it away. Then Herr Adler comes up and offers me a banana too. But he has it overripe, brown, flabby and tasteless, I threw it away. And then you come up to me, daddy. And also offer a banana. But this banana is ripe, tasty, large — in general, what we call a banana. And I really like him. Then I woke up — what could this mean?

Freud: … You know, daughter, sometimes a banana is just a banana …

The psychologist is dying. Approaching the gates of heaven. The Apostle Peter asks him:

— Who are you?

— Psychologist…

“Uuu, no, psychologists to hell!”

The psychologist, crying, goes to the next door, sits comfortably on the frying pan … and suddenly he sees that Freud is sitting behind the fence, in paradise, eating apples!!! The psychologist begins to make noise, stomp his feet, shout and call the Apostle Peter.

— Well, what do you want?

— Yes … How! You said psychologists don’t go to heaven! And you have Freud there !!!

The apostle Peter pokes his head through a hole in the fence and says in a whisper:

— Only between us: well, what kind of Freud is a psychologist ???

Alfred Adler was one of Freud’s students.

Psychoanalyst to a male patient:

— Did the realization of your own inferiority suddenly come to you, or did it develop normally, in connection with your marriage, fatherhood?

— In vain you complain of an inferiority complex. On the contrary, you are extremely correct in assessing your capabilities.

Leaving the psychotherapist:

— And this nonentity thinks that it could cure me of an inferiority complex ?!

Psychoanalysis was replaced by the humanistic psychology of Carl Rogers

A client comes to a psychotherapist:

— I have a problem’s,

— You have problems.

— I hate myself.

You have self-hatred.

— I want to kill myself.

— You want to kill yourself.

The client approaches the window and is thrown from the twelfth floor.

Psychotherapist:

— Čpok…

New hobby — Gestalt therapy from Fritz Perls

How many Gestalt therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

— One, but she needs to want it herself.

The Gestalt psychologist opens the refrigerator. He sees his three-year-old son sitting there.

— What, son, are you cold?

«Shut up, Dad.»

— Stay in it.

Closes the refrigerator.

The hotline has become widespread

Call to the Helpline:

– Help! I have only 50 seconds left to live!

— One minute…

Four o’clock in the morning … It is the fifth hour of telephone counseling in connection with a client’s family problem. Consultant:

Tell me, have you thought about suicide?

— No, what are you?

— And you think, think!

Such different psychologists

“Your wife’s neurosis is not dangerous. She will live with him for many years, says the psychologist.

— And I? the husband asks.

— Everything in my life is good, but there is not enough thrill … I have already tried everything, and jumped with a parachute, and dived with aqualung, etc. I want something new.

— Get yourself a mistress.

— I have three of them — it does not help.

«Then tell your wife about them…»

— Doctor, I’m afraid all the time.

— What exactly?

— For example, that when I leave the room, my child will fall out of the crib, and I will not hear.

“Then get the carpet off the floor!”

— Come on, as a psychologist to a psychologist, advise me what to do: my husband does not like my dog!

— You have a way out — to poison …

— Whom?

Well, you have a choice…

If you want to become sick, unhappy, suffer from neurosis and insomnia, spoil the life of yourself and others, be unbalanced and anxious — come! You will be consulted by a psychotherapist with clinical experience of 40 years.

Psychotherapist advertisement: “I get rid of alcohol and drug addiction in one session. Regular customers get a discount.

Such different clients

Psychological test:

Will you give two million dollars to your homeland?

If YES, please call 03

If NO, then in some other way

— Tell me, what are your problems?

You see, no one loves me. Can you at least help me, you nasty fat old man?

The patient kicks the psychiatrist lying on the floor and shouts:

— Who is nervous? Am I nervous?!

At the reception of a psychiatrist.

— Doctor, every night I have the same nightmare: my mother-in-law with a crocodile on a leash. Just imagine those bared teeth, those narrowed eyes and a look burning with hatred, that cold bumpy skin!!!

Yes, it’s really scary…

“Wait a minute, I haven’t told you about the crocodile yet!”

The doctor invites the husband and wife to an appointment. She takes her husband behind the screen and says:

“You know, if you don’t make love to your wife, she will die soon.

The husband and wife are returning home, and the wife asks her husband:

«Darling, what did the doctor say?»

The doctor said you will die!

Bypass in a psychiatric clinic:

“The poor fellow went crazy when his fiancee married someone else.

Move to the next room:

“And here is the other one…”

Having waited for the sick husband to be examined, the wife rushes to the doctor and convulsively grabs him by the lapels of his dressing gown:

«Doctor, what’s wrong with him?» This is serious?

— Your husband needs complete rest, I will prescribe a very effective tranquilizer.

— How can he take it?

— You will accept.

The girl complains to the psychologist:

“I can’t help myself: every date I have with a handsome guy ends up in bed, after which I am tormented by guilt for another week. Help me!

— Well, if you want to strengthen your willpower …

— What are you, doctor! Just help me get rid of the guilt!

Do you suffer from erotic dreams? the therapist asks.

Why are they tormented? the patient wonders

One French psychologist stated: “The current generation is almost no different from ours. They grow up too. They also go to high school. They also smoke their first cigarette. They also leave home. They also get married. They also have children. Only in reverse order..