You are married or live together. And everything would be all right if it were not for the one that was in your place before. The ex does everything to stay in your partner’s life. Blame it on her, considering the man a victim of the situation? Such a triangle of relationships is possible only with his tacit consent, says psychologist Marina Myaus.
Backup option
Svetlana is outraged that the ex-wife constantly asks her husband for money, attention and help. “I recently started a renovation, most of which is paid from our family budget,” she says. – He drags him to hardware stores, asks him to come, check the quality of the work. He does everything possible to keep him in his house: either the computer is broken, which it is the husband who is obliged to repair, or the cat gets sick, and he needs to be taken to the veterinarian.
Aida says that the first wife still controls her husband’s health: she writes him to the doctor herself. She is sure that she does not do this out of concern, but to invade the personal space of her family.
While the woman believes that her husband is a victim, the situation is only possible with his tacit consent. Why does he allow it? “The reason may be hidden uncertainty that your relationship will continue,” says psychologist Marina Myaus. – And then it becomes an “alternate airfield.”
This often happens if there is a significant age difference in the second marriage, and he feeds his ex-wife with attention, realizing that if the new relationship does not work out and the younger companion is disappointed in him for some reason, then the first one will not leave him and will accept him by any .
This woman takes on the symbolic role of a mother, so they don’t want her sexually, they try to run away, make another connection. But they constantly return, because in a new relationship, that maternal part, which is associated with peace and security, may be missing.
It is also possible that there a man receives a special admiration that he does not see in the family. And communication with the first wife is an opportunity to show your masculine qualities, to feel like a hero.
Guilt
Marianna recently found out that much larger amounts are allocated for the family of her first wife than she expected: “She travels with a child at our expense to expensive resorts. Our son cannot boast such expensive gadgets as hers. She manipulates her husband, and he cannot refuse her.
Julia says that the ex-wife deliberately allows children who come to stay with dad to do whatever they want: spoil things, ignore comments and be rude in response: “So she provokes my quarrels with her husband, because he doesn’t want to conflict with his sons who you don’t see every day. I can’t even say a word to them.”
A man who left the family, especially if he had children, may not leave the feeling of guilt for a long time. Indulging the ex-wife turns into an attempt to pay off a difficult experience.
“The other side, as a rule, understands this very well and can skillfully manipulate,” says the psychologist. – This exhausting feeling for a man cannot but affect your family relationships. However, until the partner takes the trouble to sort out and work through these difficult emotions in order to break away from the past, quarrels and conflicts over the first wife and children are the sphere of his personal responsibility.
Self-affirmation
“From the very beginning of our relationship with her husband, she began to write to me that he still loves her and the relationship between them continues,” says Karina. – A couple of times she sent me intimate photos in which they are together, allegedly taken recently. And although I understand that this is a provocation, every time it brings me to hysterics. The husband asks not to pay attention, but can do nothing. And although she recently sent me a threatening letter, he will not report the mother of his children to the police.
It is obvious that such recurring situations are possible only with the connivance of a third party – a man. He is obviously impressed by the struggle for him two women. Often this becomes a way of self-affirmation, which distinguishes people with traits of narcissism.
The non-intervention of a man (and stopping aggression is his only task) gives carte blanche to continue the game. The former correctly reads the message: this is an invitation to war, in which a man turns into a coveted trophy for women.
How to react?
First of all, do not get involved in someone else’s game. As soon as you start to answer something, you thereby increase the aggression of the other side and at the same time invite it to your union. You make it clear that she is a force to be reckoned with. And, on the contrary, your external indifference deprives any of her actions of significance.
“Of course, your partner should act in this situation,” the expert believes. – And if he is passive, this is an occasion to think about how dear his relationship with you is.
At the same time, without getting involved in the war, take responsibility for the situation. It will not be superfluous to analyze what exactly the partner is losing in a relationship with you, gaining it from the other side. But the most important thing is to ask yourself the question: why do you choose the person you have to win back? Indeed, in most cases, this is obvious already at the stage of establishing relationships.
Perhaps this is an unconscious desire not to be the only one, and a person without a backstory is not interesting to you. Sometimes this happens if in childhood you had to win the attention of your parents, and this attitude is transferred to adult relationships with loved ones.