Himanshu Giri: “Unhealthy relationships can be long lasting. But will they be happy?

Psychologies: Can you predict how successful a relationship will be?

Himanshu Giri: It all depends on the relationship models that each of the partners has learned throughout life – in the family, as a result of their own experience. There are options here. Let’s say if one of the partners likes to do housework, and the other avoids it, they will find a common language. At the same time, relationships may not be equal: for example, when one gives too much attention and strength to another without receiving anything in return. But such relationships can still work, partners can be in them for a long time. But will they be happy?

What, then, depends on the successful development of relationships?

H. G.: If you live in an unhappy marriage, if you suffer, it has to do with certain patterns of feeling and building relationships. When we experience some kind of trauma, such as bullying or domestic violence, that trauma stays with us. The child still does not know how to pronounce some things, work with experiences. If he keeps them to himself, he gets hung up on the same emotional reactions, ways of solving problems. Development is not happening.

How can you get rid of trauma?

H. G.: First you need to be aware of it. When I work with clients, I help them understand why in certain situations they make a particular choice, what is behind it. Then we create a safe space, an atmosphere in which the person will be comfortable talking about their experiences. I then encourage the patient to relive the traumatic situation and find a new way of responding.

With the rise of the internet, social media, and dating apps, are there any new challenges?

H. G.: Many young people complain of a feeling of emptiness, anxiety, and loss. They spend a lot of time on social networks, but they are afraid to start a relationship. Emptiness is a sign that we do not analyze our experiences. What we see is what the other person shows us. But we don’t know what’s behind it. And we won’t know until we take steps ourselves.

Can dating apps like Tinder help?

H. G.: It is important that people understand why they use this or that technology. It depends where you live, what culture you belong to. For example, people in Singapore and Vienna use Tinder differently. In Singapore, they are looking for a partner for a serious relationship, perhaps a future husband or wife. In Vienna, people are more likely to use the app as a way to find a sex partner. Different cultures have different patterns of behavior, different ideas about relationships. We must be open and ready to discuss the format of relations.

How are therapies changing under these conditions?

H. G.: Today, a lot can be found on the Internet – information about our interests, marital status. And this creates many challenges for our work. For example, in therapy there is a rule of non-involvement – we must avoid personal relationships with the client. Including should not share information about yourself with him. But now, thanks to social networks, we are in the palm of our hand. Under these conditions, it is difficult to maintain this distance. The new generation of therapists must learn to deal with this.

The nature of the relationship between therapist and client has not changed. We continue to strive to create an intimate, trusting relationship with the client. But the way we work is changing. The therapist today needs to be creative and adaptable.

Methods that work for one person may not work for another, and we need to consider this. The therapist needs to constantly analyze their actions and feelings. Sometimes we just don’t have time to think about ourselves. Supervision helps a lot here: you don’t have to do all the work yourself and you can always get feedback.

Congress “Psychological health of a person of the XXI century” will be held in Moscow on October 7-8, 2016.