Hidden Relationship Violence: 8 Signs You’re In Danger

Quarrels and reconciliations are normal in a couple, but if they happen too often, there is reason to think. Violence in a relationship is not always obvious, physical, when you are pushed, grabbed, hit. It can be insults, intimidation, humiliation, monitoring every step, refusal to listen, disregard for your feelings, lies, sexual harassment. Domestic violence specialist Tamara Star lists 8 signs of hidden violence in a couple that can affect both women and men.

More than others, those of us who have experienced a dysfunctional childhood are at risk. Children who have been yelled at, now showered with apologies and gifts, who have been intimidated, humiliated, morally and physically suppressed, made a scapegoat, grow up without knowing what a normal loving relationship is. If your childhood was filled with emotional ups and downs, as an adult you may mistake this type of relationship for love. Here are signs of violence in relationships that you should pay attention to in order to take action in time.

1. You are overly attentive to your partner’s needs and wants to the detriment of your own.

You walk on tiptoe, literally and figuratively, so as not to upset him. You probably behaved the same way with your parents, and now — unconsciously — at home and with your friends and work colleagues. You prefer to keep quiet, keep your opinion to yourself so as not to rock the boat, justify your mistreatment with all your might — “again, I overreact to everything.” These are all signs that you are not listening to your inner voice. Whenever you are in doubt — «Am I allowed to be upset about this?» — you miss the important things that your inner voice says.

2. You almost stopped talking to your friends

You do not have time to meet friends, as before, because it takes all the time to sort things out with a partner. Instead of going out and having fun together, you spend the weekend in endless fights. You begin to feel isolated — the partner demands that you pay attention only to him. Perhaps you justify him and find excuses for his behavior. Gradually, the victims lose confidence in themselves and begin to blame themselves for all the problems in the relationship.

3. You try to avoid any conflicts

Instead of expressing everything that hurts, you are silent in order to keep the peace. Moreover, you avoid conflicts in any area of ​​life, not only at home, but also at work. Perhaps you do it out of habit or because you are too tired and do not find the strength to freely express your point of view after so many conflicts at home. It’s like you’re living huddled up. Standing up for your interests is now an impossible task for you, it is much easier to adapt than to worry that your rebelliousness will turn into tension in the relationship.

4. You are not aware of your feelings and needs

Children who live with explosive, unstable parents learn to put them first and take care of them. As a result, an adult who grew up in such a family gets used to being a parent for his own parents, and then for a loved one, justifying them and blaming himself, ignoring his needs and desires for the sake of loved ones.

5. You put yourself in danger because of your partner.

This may be, for example, his aggressive high-speed driving style. You are frightened and angry at heart, but remain silent so as not to provoke a fit of unbridled rage on his part.

6. You feel very tired

All day you feel terribly exhausted. It becomes more and more difficult for you to solve elementary everyday tasks related to your vital needs — your head is in a fog, and you are no longer sure that your needs are so important. You no longer feel like a competent person, do not trust your knowledge and experience.

7. You have sex against your will

You don’t want to, but you have sex — just to keep the peace. Is this scenario happening more and more often? Every time you do something against your will, just to avoid conflict, you give others your power, you betray yourself.

8. You forgive over and over again.

Recently, you have broken off relations for good several times — only to forgive again and promise to love each other for the rest of your life. You forgive rough treatment, give one last chance, and believe in empty promises that are never kept.

True love assumes that both partners are equal, they both give and take equally in a relationship. Of course, sometimes we can do something that we don’t want to do for the sake of a loved one, but when such actions become a habit, this is a bad sign. If two healthy individuals love each other, they respect each other’s boundaries, share the burden of guilt when things go wrong, and together try to find a way out of the situation — without mutual insults and rage.

About the author: Tamara Star is a psychologist who specializes in working with victims of domestic violence.