“Hi, I miss you”: why do exes remind you of themselves?

Has it ever happened in your life: the relationship has ended long ago, time has passed, emotions have subsided, obsessive thoughts about the ex-partner have ceased to haunt … You may even have managed to meet another person and enjoy a new love. Suddenly … a sudden message, a like on social networks or a call from an old love.

You are in shock, you are puzzled: why is he doing this, what goals does he pursue? And really, why do exes reappear in our lives? Situations are different. Let’s consider some of them together with family psychotherapist Lilia Levitskaya.

Situation one: you had a painful relationship

You parted, then converged. And they suffered a lot. Perhaps it was your partner who initiated these breakups. You realized that it was time to get rid of such relationships and left. With grief, they got rid of the mental pain in half, but he decided that this was not the end …

Reason: abusers and neurotics need constant emotional swings to feel their own importance and increase self-esteem, explains Lilia Levitskaya.

“When you were “hooked” by his words and actions, the partner enjoyed your energy and pain, because this proved to him that he was valuable and important. But over time, you began to give him less and less emotion. And then they broke up with him altogether.

Over time, the former partner began to experience emotional hunger, and self-esteem problems reasserted themselves – maybe he was abandoned, or he had problems in other areas of life. And he wrote to you to get a guaranteed result – your emotions, ”says the psychologist.

What to do: responding to such a person is the worst possible option. “If you recognize yourself in this story, just ignore your ex. This is not love at all, ”Lilia Levitskaya is sure.

Situation two: you had a good relationship that you miss

Sometimes we part with a loved one out of stupidity, so we keep hope and a feeling of incompleteness in our souls. In such cases, both partners often experience, and the appearance of the former in your life instead of irritation brings a lot of joy.

Reason: you haven’t really let go of each other. Perhaps this is indeed a strong and valuable connection.

What to do: understand why you broke up. “If the reason is serious and you do not want a repetition of events, then you need to end the relationship in your head. Sometimes this may require a meeting – to dot the “i” and disperse with gratitude for the experience, ”recommends the psychologist.

Situation three: ex-lover deceives himself

For you, these relationships are long gone, you are happy alone or with another person. But your ex-partner is engaged in self-deception – he continues to assure himself that he does not need you, although in reality this is not at all the case. And it is enough for him to slightly let go of control over the situation, having drunk in the company of friends, as he is already ready to call and write to you.

Reason: repressed feelings of the former lead to such behavior.

What to do: just don’t reciprocate. “You can’t do anything here. His emotions are for him to live. If you don’t need this person, the topic should be closed for you, ”the psychologist is convinced. Or you can take some advantage of the situation and enjoy active attention to your person, the expert suggests. But from an ethical point of view, this is a dubious story.

Situation Four: Your ex is desperate

He calls and says that he has realized everything and cannot live without you. He is ill, he is in a deep depression.

Reason: a person is going through a serious internal crisis. “He feels like only you can save him. This crisis is the result of his lifestyle and crippled self-esteem,” explains Lilia Levitskaya.

What to do: you can support the former partner and calm him down as a human being, but still return responsibility for his own life to him. “The best thing you can do in this case is to send him to a specialist,” says the psychologist.

What to do if you remind your ex of yourself

What to do if you find yourself on the other side of the barricades? If you are that “returning” ex?

• If you are having fun like this, remember the “law of the boomerang”.
• If you are really desperate, see a specialist.
• If you love this person and want to fight for him, fight.

“As long as we are alive, everything is possible. In my practice, there were cases when broken couples met after years and became the happiest. Some got divorced, and then remarried renewed and lived in perfect harmony for many years, ”says Lilia Levitskaya.

The main thing is to remember that you cannot step into the same river twice. “The meaning of the proverb is not that this cannot be done, but that something can only happen when you both become different, mature and responsible people, when you are really ready to start everything from scratch,” the expert concludes. .