Here are signs that you are afraid of closeness. You are unknowingly destroying your relationship

Proven content

Fear of intimacy is common and stems from past wounds, particularly in childhood. Psychotherapist Marlena Ewa Kazoń explains the signs that we are afraid of closeness, and thus we unknowingly destroy relationships with others.

Closeness in childhood

People learn to build closeness in childhood, at home. It is the parents who form the bond with the child first and it is them who teach the child to create a safe bond.

When the baby is born, the parents hug, stroke, kiss, show their love for the baby and a secure bond is created. Later, i.e. from the age of 6, we learn it by observing the parents’ behavior – how they show feelings, how they argue. Of course, fear of closeness is not a secure bond created in childhood, often parents do not create a safe attachment style with their children. There are parents who do not accept us in childhood, mother or father who disappear and then a fascination with unavailable partners follows.

The rest of the article is available under the video.

The most common signs that you are afraid of closeness

Often my patients associate closeness with hurt, which is why they run away from it, at the same time consciously, wanting it so much. Then we activate auto-sabotage, i.e. suspicion, lack of honesty, games, and so we become destroyers of our own peace and the chance for a good, stable relationship.

Fear of intimacy is often an unconscious problem for many couples. It often looks like this: one of the partners is close and the other is as if running away from this closeness. Dynamics of attraction and repulsion are created. It is through these dynamics that it is difficult to build lasting and satisfying relationships. Often times, fear of intimacy is the cause of creating toxic relationships.

The anxious partners do not run away because it amuses them or because they like the game “near, far …”. They often run away because no one has taught them to be close to someone. My patients very often tell me that when they start to discover that their partner is very close, they start to have intrusive thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. This is when emotional self-sabotage usually begins, including: causing quarrels and arguments, judging, provoking, playing and not being honest. These are typical symptoms of fear of intimacy and “destruction” of a relationship in which closeness has arisen.

Each of us wants love, acceptance and closeness to another human being. Some people are very afraid of this closeness, so they try to keep their partner at bay. There are no perfect relationships. But despite this, it is not worth defending those in which we cannot meet our elementary needs. Some people are only in relationships a little. They sometimes declare that they care about love, and at the same time they are either kept at a distance by their partner or they themselves are keeping him at a distance.

Each of us is afraid of getting closer to other people. It is very risky: we expose ourselves, it hurts when someone later rejects us, leaves us. But most of us somehow manage to overcome this fear. It is primarily those who represent the so-called safe attachment style, i.e. as children they felt loved, accepted by their parents, cared for by them, they knew that their parents are and will be with them. It is easier to walk through life and love with such luggage.

Some have not been equipped with this ability in the family home. Besides, sometimes as a result of very dramatic events, for example, a connection with elements of violence, a devastating divorce, the belief that you can be close to another person without fear for your safety disappears. Sometimes these people become lonely because only being lonely makes them feel safe. And sometimes they enter into impossible relationships – with a gay, priest, married, much older man. It is a kind of declaration, such a policy: this relationship will never develop fully, so I will never be in danger, because I will never give myself to the other person. It all happens on an unconscious level.

How Can I Deal With Anxiety About Closeness?

The most important thing is to keep an eye on yourself and our relationship. What happened that I can’t build closeness, take the relationship to the next level, live with my man? Am I missing something? Am I not taking something away from others? Because we can, of course, say to ourselves that we do not want to live with a partner for the sake of the child, but in fact it happens that we build a toxic triangle with the child and a profitable partner. Let us remember that no love is worth giving up on itself in its name.

As a psychotherapist, I find fear of intimacy paralyzing. A person affected by it can explain this state of affairs to himself and to his surroundings by adoring loneliness and singleness. He may also dedicate himself to his life and work in such a way as to move as often as possible and never stay in one place for a long time, in this way to explain his aversion to relationships.

You should also stop drowning out the fear of closeness and realize one more important thing – the problem is not the partner’s fault, it’s not that there is something wrong with him, which makes it impossible to establish a deeper relationship. Realize that the problem is inside, not outside. This is the only way to avoid duplicating the same mistakes in the future.

If you suffer from intimacy anxiety and are still in a relationship, don’t hide this from your partner. Until there is conscious communication, your partner will have no idea about it. Hence, further conflicts may arise, which will only reinforce the fear of involvement in the future. On the other hand, if someone suspects that the partner suffers from the fear of commitment – it is worth remembering that he does not really want to behave in this way and does not and does not want to make someone out of it. Above all, it needs conscious support, not anger and attacks.

It is difficult to deal with anxiety with commitment alone or even with the help of loved ones. In many cases, the help of specialists is indispensable to help me deal with fears – I often explain this to my patients.