Help your child find out their gender

Boys and girls are not only dolls and cars, whims and fights, fives or remarks in diaries. The worlds of boys and girls are somewhat similar, but somewhat different. We, adults, also come from these worlds, but, perhaps, in many ways we have lost the ability to see, hear, feel the way it was in childhood. To understand your children, it is important to remember that we are not just a child, but a boy or a girl. They look and see, listen and hear, speak and remain silent, feel and experience differently. How can we help our children become different men and women and feel like they belong? How to correct the influence of public opinion that in the modern world «girls and boys are equal»?

We asked seven questions to neuropsychologist Valentina Eremeeva, psychoanalyst Ekaterina Kalmykova, child psychologist Natalia Evsikova, and educational psychologist Irina Khomenko.

Should boys and girls be raised the same way?

This is impossible anyway. Whatever our intentions and our ideas about gender equality, we treat a boy and a girl differently (pronounce different words, use different gestures) — we intuitively feel that their psyche is different. But this is not the case for all parents and not always — simply because in education our projections (unconscious fears and anxieties) and our own narcissistic experiences are very strong. Often, feelings directed at the child are crowded out by a sense of their own discomfort. Parents, for example, are more likely to scold agile, active boys and are more affectionate with girls, even if the children are only two years old*.

This behavior of adults is also influenced by the popular notion of female and male roles in society. It is so imprinted in the minds of many generations that it manifests itself in behavior against our will.

What rules apply to both sexes?

Children must learn common values ​​for all people, taboos, norms of behavior and relations between people, which form the basis of life in any society: respect for oneself and others, the ability to make choices and be responsible for them, tolerance, mercy … These life values ​​do not have gender features.

What should be borrowed from unisex parenting?

Boys and girls can and should be placed on an equal footing in everything related to household chores: this will help the child eventually become a self-sufficient adult. The more habitual skills and everyday skills he has, the easier it will be for him to live on. Parents should make it clear to the boy that his masculinity will not suffer from the fact that he will wash the dishes, and to the girl that she will not cease to be feminine if she manages to drive a nail into the wall. Parents should understand, and then they will be able to convey this to their children, that a man can live in harmony with his feminine component, without giving up masculinity, and a woman can be completely feminine, taking on her masculine features. And no one will lose their (male or female) attractiveness. And of course, the skill of attentive, open and proactive communication is important for all children.

Behind these differences is the long evolution of the male and female sexes, different mechanisms of brain organization, and, consequently, the psyche. In boys and girls, the brain develops at a different pace, in different sequences and at different times. In girls, about six years earlier than in boys, the areas of the left hemisphere responsible for speech and rational-logical thinking** are formed. That is why they learn algorithms and rules more easily, love repetition tasks, talk a lot and with pleasure. Boys are younger than girls of the same age by biological age. They later develop frontal areas of the brain that are responsible for planning activities and controlling their behavior. That is why it is more difficult for boys to carry out complex (multi-stage) instructions from adults; they do not tolerate monotony, they do not sit still, but they perform tasks for quick wits better. They analyze new information with the help of the right hemisphere (spatial, intuitive, emotional-figurative), girls — with the help of the left. So it is necessary to educate and educate boys and girls in different ways, because they organize the same activity with the participation of different brain structures.

Barbies, lipstick, pink dresses — why do girls love it?

Between the ages of two and six, a girl begins to feel her belonging to the female sex, her femininity. And, even if we don’t always like cuteness, it’s important to support the desire to «feel like a woman», to allow her to explore various aspects of attractiveness, dress, jewelry. The same goes for dolls: society and cultural environments showcase gendered characters that help children define their gender identity. To deny a child the knowledge of them is unreasonable.

If boys play war, won’t they grow up to be aggressive?

The game of war (running, screaming, fighting) helps the little boy to discharge the accumulated energy; in the game he develops physically, learns to regulate his strength. These games can be harmful if children play «gang war» or copy «fighting without rules» from films — at this point they learn to solve their problems not with words, but with illicit tricks and blows.

Girls and boys begin to show their aggressiveness at the same time. Some psychoanalysts believe that the phallic principle makes the behavior of boys active and defiant. Girls (whose genitals are «inside») are more prone to self-observation and passivity. These gender-based psychological differences are reinforced by cultural beliefs that favor the competitive spirit of boys. Biologists, for their part, emphasize the importance of the male hormone testosterone, which stimulates male aggressiveness. To forbid fights and arguments between boys in the name of the principle of non-violence is to suppress their natural needs. The best thing parents can do is to recognize the reality of their child’s experiences, help him name them: «You’re angry, you want to hit this Vasya …» — and teach your son to express his feelings positively. Do not be afraid of his aggression and get angry, otherwise the child as a result will have to cope with double aggression — his own and that of his parents.

Can dancing classes affect a boy’s sexual orientation?

Boys don’t become homosexual because they enjoyed playing with dolls or dancing as children. Homosexuality is formed due to other reasons, which depend little on the style of upbringing.

Homosexuality is often associated with the symbolic place that the father (or mother) of the child occupies in the family. Perhaps the son sees how his father looks at his mother and tries to copy her, because he lacks communication with his father: in this way he hopes to attract his attention. If parents send their son to dance classes and their daughter to boxing classes because they think it’s a good way to develop the grace of movement of one and the physical dexterity of the other, then why not? Such a choice can be risky only if, in the place of their son or daughter, the parents unconsciously wish to see a child of a different sex.

* V. Eremeeva, T. Khrizman. «Boys and girls are two different worlds.» Tuscarora, 2003. ** H. Hanlon et al. «Gender Differences in The Development of EEG Coherence in Normal Children». Developmental Neuropsychology, 1999, vol.16.