At breaks, after school, here and there, one hears: “Bespectacled man!”, “Redhead!”, “Elephant with eared!” Children very easily and with passion reward each other with nicknames, but no one manages to calmly take them at their own expense. How to support children, prevent complexes? Age psychologist Galina Burmenskaya answers.
Psychologies: When can a child have a complex?
Galina Burmenskaya: The image of oneself – an idea of one’s attractiveness, strength – begins to take shape very early, already at the age of four or five, the child has a general idea of who he is. By the age of seven or eight, this image becomes more and more definite: comparing himself with other children and adults, the child gradually becomes aware of his strengths and weaknesses. For girls, their appearance (face, figure) is more important, for boys – strength and dexterity.
At the heart of children’s complexes are often not real defects in appearance, but a negative assessment of others and, as a result, a feeling of dissatisfaction with oneself. In children, self-doubt is always associated with what others say about them: “fat”, “nerd” …
It is from close people that the child learns about what he is: beautiful hair, smart eyes, dexterous hands.
The child begins to be ashamed of himself, feels that he is worse than others. A special time for the flowering of complexes is adolescence. At this time, children are very picky about themselves and acutely experience (real or imaginary) their imperfection. That is why complexes in adolescents are formed more often and are experienced much more painfully than at any other age.
To what extent are parents responsible for children’s complexes?
Of course, a lot depends on them, first of all, the child’s self-esteem and self-acceptance. It is from close people that the child learns about what he is: beautiful hair, smart eyes, dexterous hands … In response to the admiring “What a beauty you are!”, “How brave you are!” children develop a sense of self-worth (regardless of objective data).
On the contrary, the lack of attention to the child, especially the coldness of loved ones, undermines his self-confidence, makes him vulnerable. In addition, when adults themselves suffer from complexes, they can involuntarily pass on dissatisfaction with themselves to children. They often complicate things by giving the child characteristics born out of their own imperfection (“He’s all like me, just as shy”), or trying to do everything so that he does not inherit their “flaws” – for example, set a diet.
But the older the child becomes, the more important the opinion of peers becomes for him: a teenager’s self-image can change greatly under the influence of assessments of his company, as well as youth fashion. Therefore, it is so important from early childhood to draw the attention of children to the fact that all people are different. We look different, we think differently and we love not the same thing. The idea of this will help at the right time to withstand the views of others, critically perceive someone else’s opinion and maintain faith in yourself.
How to react if the child began to worry about his appearance or personal qualities?
When comforting a child, do not pretend that there is no reason for his suffering: “Only you pay attention to this!”, “Think about it, points!” Feeling that he is not understood, he will be left alone with his doubts, will exaggerate the problem and feel even more discomfort …
Sometimes children are complex because of some trait of appearance, inherited by them from their father or mother. You should not emphasize this similarity, wanting to dissuade your son or daughter: “Look, mom also has freckles, it’s so beautiful!” His self-loathing can only get worse. But emphasize in a conversation with a child: each person has features that someone likes, but someone does not, it is impossible to please everyone at once.
Most importantly, help your child succeed in what he is passionate about, and then he will have something to be proud of.
If a girl suffers from freckles and wants, for example, to powder them, agree: she will feel that they understand her and try to help. If you don’t like it, say straight up that you wouldn’t do it.
It is very important that the child can tell an adult about what is bothering him. When a topic that is painful for him is hushed up, he can decide this: if at home you can’t talk about what they laugh at at school, then he is indifferent to his parents or the situation is really difficult. Be delicate, avoid categorical statements: “You are really unlucky”, “There is nothing you can do with such hair!”
How can you help your child learn to accept himself the way he is?
When children are disturbed by something, first of all they need our support: they are not yet able to cope with their feelings, they do not know how, for example, to answer someone who laughs at them. Tell me the exact words: “I’ve heard this a thousand times, say something new.”
Try to fix the defect: change the frame of your glasses, correct protruding ears. Teach self-irony by your own example. If you have had a similar experience, tell us about it: for example, how did you worry about the shape of your nose until you found that it did not bother anyone, and some even liked it. Or tell us how, over time, some of your features became virtues – your own version of the Ugly Duckling. But most importantly, help your child succeed in what he is passionate about, and then he will have something to be proud of, except for his successful (or not so) appearance. Knowing about your virtues, it is easier to gain faith in yourself.
When is the help of a psychologist needed?
Children’s complexes are natural and should not cause panic in parents. It is necessary to react if the child constantly talks about his experience, he has no mood to do anything for a long time (more than a week), he is upset, depressed, does not want to communicate with anyone …
Stories to make peace with yourself
It is difficult for children to express what worries them, to openly talk about what they are going through, what they are afraid of, why they are now ashamed. But they are very fond of listening to stories – fabulous, magical, exciting and at the same time surprisingly real, because they tell about a boy or girl “just like me.”
It is precisely such psychotherapeutic stories that the Australian psychologist Doris Brett offers in the book “Once upon a time there was a girl who looked like you …” (Klass, 2014). They allow the child to understand their experiences, to feel that he is not alone, that other children experience the same thing. The child ceases to feel worse than others and, following the hero, finds a way out of a difficult situation.
The book contains stories about children who are teased because of their appearance, who are always worried or jealous of their brothers and sisters … The author’s comments and recommendations will allow parents to adapt the “Annie stories” to the characteristics of their own child or even write their own, special story for him.
About expert
Galina Burmenskaya – Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor, Moscow State University. M. V. Lomonosova, co-author of the book “Age-Psychological Approach in Counseling Children and Adolescents” (MPSI, 2007).