When a crisis or disaster strikes in a country or in the world, how can we support our children, help them cope with the shock and appreciate the true extent of the disaster?
At the beginning of the year, my husband’s alarmed voice was heard on the telephone: “There is a terrorist attack in Paris, 12 people were killed.” I remember everything as if it was yesterday.
TV has become the center of our lives: hostages, someone else killed, endless discussions. We were glued to the screen for hours, breaking away only to discuss what was happening with friends and family. Is this the beginning of a new war in Europe? There were disturbing thoughts: could this happen again? Will this lead to an increase in religious and interracial clashes? Is it possible that we, ordinary civilians or our neighbors, will also one day come under attack?
As for our teenagers, it is only now — a few months later — that I can clearly see how much all this has affected them, although for everyone in different ways. One son spent hundreds of hours on social media trying to develop his own position. My husband’s daughter became afraid to walk alone. The eldest was overwhelmed by a wave of anger and aggression, while my 15-year-old son began to sink into depression, without understanding why. It was perhaps the most difficult for him, as if these events awakened deep-seated insecurities in him, casting doubt on himself …
There is a psychological explanation for this — the so-called negative bias. Human nature is such that we pay more attention, react faster and more strongly to negative information. Neuropsychological studies show that the brain automatically responds with an increase in electrical activity to stimuli that it perceives as negative. Thus, bad news influences our thoughts, attitudes, and behavior more strongly than good news. Our fears are often disproportionate to the actual degree of danger, for example, most of those who are afraid of flying on an airplane are almost not afraid to drive a car, although the likelihood of dying in a car accident is much higher than the chance of crashing in an airplane.
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On the one hand, I realized that if we do not distance ourselves from what happened, then there is a risk that we will simply be pulled into this funnel of collective psychosis and we will lose a sense of security and trust in each other. We just needed to switch off: use the computer less, put our phones on the shelf, turn off the TV. These sources of information were addictive and constantly provoked that very negative bias, overwhelmed us with fears. I tried to replace it all with reading in the bedroom.
How to assess the scale of the tragedy? It is easy to find statistics on the Internet. Approximately 1500 people die every day in France: more than 400 of them from cancer, about the same from cardiovascular diseases, 9 die in traffic accidents, two more are killed. When I read this data aloud, it was clear from the faces of the teenagers that they were beginning to better understand the true scope of what had happened. There are also other figures — three terrorists against three million citizens who took part in peaceful demonstrations, thereby demonstrating the goodwill and determination of the entire nation, confirming the inviolability of the basic principles of a democratic society. Which of these figures will we pay more attention to?
So the whole question is what we will focus on and how (depending on this) we will begin to act. Confidence is based on previous successful experiences, when we can look back, remember our actions and their real results. This is why the best confidence training is action.
If you are faced with difficult events and you can do something about it (write a letter, protest, offer help) — do it! If you can’t, do something useful for others and society as a whole. You can focus on something that is important to you, reconnect with friends, bring the whole family together. My husband suggested that the children sit together by the fireplace, away from the TV, and share their thoughts and feelings. Two weeks later, we celebrated the 80th birthday of my father-in-law, a real eccentric artist. He did not expect that all his descendants would gather for the anniversary, and he met us with tears in his eyes. Life goes on…
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