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The American farmer Hector Black had a misfortune: his daughter Patricia died tragically in November 2000. The girl’s killer, Ivan, was sentenced to life in prison. Hector entered into a correspondence with him, which stretched out for many years. The young director Casimir Liske sought out Hector Black and received permission for a theatrical production through letters. We spoke with Kazimir Liske and psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova about the history of crime and forgiveness.
What do we forgive another person easily, without hesitation, and what can we not forgive in any way? Treason, a rude word, betrayal, insulting parents? Society through religion often demands from us: forgive me, finally! You must be merciful!
But what if I can’t order myself? How to cultivate this feeling in yourself? And why is it so difficult for us to let go of resentment, to start trusting, to calm down? The story of these two completely alien people is amazing and makes you think about these issues.
From the correspondence between Hector Black and Ivan Simpson
“Hey Hector,
You know, when this all started, I wanted you to hate me because I hated myself for what I did. I’m so glad the Lord used you the way He did.
Thinking about my life, I realize that I was full of fears that my peers would not accept me because I did not do all the bad things that they did. But when I started to commit crimes, they accepted me, and I got worse and worse in my criminal behavior, surpassed them, after which they became afraid of me.
After that, I was again alone with myself. Then somewhere between crimes + drugs. The Legion (demon. – Approx. ed.) entered me, and I stopped loving anything, even my own life. It all came down to money, drugs, and who I could use next to get my fix of crack.
Hector, I’ve never told anyone this, but I really don’t know who else in this life I’ve done anything that would benefit? I ask God to show me what I have done in my life, but it is always empty. Yes, I know this is a short letter, but I need to think about something right now. The Lord loves you.
With love, Ivan Christopher.”
“Dear Ivan,
This letter of yours became for me the event of the day, the event of the week, the event of the month. It seems we all need to be reminded of how important this essential thing is love. It seems to me that what I have been missing in your letters for the past few years is hope, it seemed to me that you had completely lost hope – that you simply lived, but in your life there was no joy, spark, taste for life.
Do you remember the words of the Apostle Paul: “May faith, hope and love be with us. And the love of them is more … “. These are great spiritual forces, so hope is very important – maybe it is hope that gives us this taste for life, I don’t know … It is very important to keep this fire alive in yourself, Ivan. Recognize that there is goodness within you. Not something for which each of us can personally praise himself, saying: “I’m such a good person.”
It comes from God, not from us, and that’s what we really love about ourselves. Now I hope you can find some friends to share this with. So that at least one other person can help you, and you help him, to maintain this fire inside. Because there are powerful forces, especially there in prison, that are capable of destroying him.
All that anger, vindictiveness, lingering grudges, hatred and greed – I think they’re pretty strong there. I know it’s easy for me to say it all from here, but that’s what happened with Jesus, wasn’t it? Therefore, we need courage. I’m glad you wanted to share this with me…
With love, Hector.”
“The feeling of hatred prevents you from living freely”
Casimir Liske, director
Psychologies: What helps one person to forgive another who has committed something truly terrible, like the murder that Ivan went for?
Casimir Liske: Indeed, when you learn about this story, it seems that such a thing is impossible to forgive. I talked a lot with Hector and realized that he somehow managed to find such a position in life, to develop such a view of the world, in which forgiveness takes on a very special meaning.
Hector argues as follows: “My appearance in the world is an opportunity to make contact with everything that is in the Universe. If I have a conflict with some person, I, of course, can refuse to deal with him (he offended me, I don’t like him). But in this case, the resentment remains inside me and interferes, even if I do not pay attention to it.
In one of the letters, Hector confesses to Ivan: I cannot forgive you, this is impossible. But then he realizes that something needs to be done about it. Because feelings of pain and hatred do not allow him to live freely. They block, cut off a whole part of life, not allowing them to think and talk about certain topics, for example, about the house, about the family, about the dead daughter – because if you just remember this, you cannot avoid meeting with pain. There can be only one way out: you have to work with your resentment and hatred.
What does it mean to work with resentment?
K.L.: To work means, first of all, to openly admit that this feeling exists and has not gone away. And then – to have the courage to make contact with him. Go towards the person who causes this pain and hatred. Do not dismiss: “Well, I forgive him” and go the other way, but open this door, take a step towards and get to know the person better. We intuitively separate ourselves from what we fear or dislike. We say: “I and he are different, we have nothing in common.” But this is an illusion.
Forgiveness is when I let the pain be and learn to live with it.
To resolve the conflict, you need to erase the line between yourself and this person, find a common interest with him and feel that you are one: you live at the same time, on the same planet, you are both able to love, both of you are one process. And this is the main message of the play. In order to live freely and be able to solve your inner problems, it is important to understand that I and the other person (I and my problem) are not different, they are one.
To forgive you – what does it mean? Reconcile? Feel love for this person? Stop feeling pain? Calm down?
K.L.: Here we are not talking about reconciliation, about tolerance (“Oh, okay, what happened, it happened, they forgot, they drove!”). For me, to forgive means to destroy the boundary between myself and the other. I can continue to feel pain, of course. It is unlikely to pass completely – after all, this is what makes us alive. But I can relate to it differently – not to pretend that it is not there. Forgiveness is when I allow the pain to be and learn to live with it. The most amazing thing is that when this happens, the pain itself loses its sharpness.
In general, forgiveness occurs at different levels. Here Ivan has to deal with his huge sense of guilt, and this is no less difficult. In order to forgive himself, he needs to believe that he exists, that he is a man, that he has his own virtues.
What has this story changed in you and in your life?
K.L.: I was born and raised in the USA, the whole world knows one thing about Americans: these people smile broadly at you when they meet, and then move away and forget about you right there. Such a welcoming formality. When I came to Russia and found out about this attitude towards the American smile, I felt uneasy. It was embarrassing to admit that I came from this dishonest culture, where everyone smiles just out of habit, and there is no depth to it.
Always make contact, even sometimes against desire – this is the path to freedom and openness
But since I met Hector, I have understood the importance and meaning of that smile. Not that it has acquired depth and sincerity for me, no. Of course, it doesn’t mean “I love you,” but that smile is my open door, the first step towards removing the boundary that Hector is talking about.
It shortens the distance to some deeper communication. And it helps to be less afraid of another, oncoming one. So now I think it’s quite a spiritual habit. I learn from Hector to always make contact, even sometimes against desire. I see this as a path to freedom and openness.
“We want to forgive in order to return to ourselves”
Svetlana Krivtsova, existential psychotherapist
“From the point of view of existential analysis, forgiveness is a very modest thing. Forgiveness means not to associate your pain from the loss of something valuable, your suffering, with a specific person. But what is at stake in the story of Hector and Ivan is more than forgiveness, this is the next step, which is called reconciliation. Having reconciled, I not only do not associate my suffering with another person, but also renew my relationship with him.
Why do we forgive others? We are doing this for ourselves. Until I have forgiven, I cannot live my own life, because I am constantly busy thinking about it, hating, resenting, asking how this can be. And until this tension is resolved, I am lost. In fact, people want to forgive in order to get back to their own lives. To lift your eyes further from this problem and look ahead to the future.
How to deal with pain and resentment? There are several paths to forgiveness.
1. Take a step towards and with a more sober, realistic look at the one who offended you, get to know him better. This is exactly what Hector does. In my practice, there was a case when a woman was able to forgive her lover only after 20 years, when her son reached the same age. Through watching her grown son, she finally saw what her lover really could and couldn’t do. Then he seemed to her a reliable support, but now she looks at her son and does not understand: how could such hopes be placed on a man?
2. Allocate your own share of the blame. Usually people cannot forgive the one they counted on in the aspect where they were weak. (Perhaps Hector’s story is not about that.) They were supposed to overcome their own deficiency, weakness with the help of another person. And when he did not live up to their expectations, they were left alone with their weakness and could not forgive it.
3. Forces, resources for forgiveness appear when what the offender deprived you of is no longer a deficit. For example, it is easier to forgive betrayal, leaving a partner when you are happy in a new relationship, you feel loved and valued. In Hector’s case, the murder of his daughter disrupted his relationship with life. And he was able to forgive the killer when that relationship was restored.
Hector would never forgive Ivan if his whole life revolved around one daughter, if she were the meaning of his life. But his fundamental value was preserved: he had other daughters, had a wife, had a favorite garden. And he had to learn to live the remaining values, enjoy them, feed on them in order to find the strength to forgive.
4. The most powerful resource for forgiveness is when I become so humble, shrinking my boundaries so much that I see in a larger context that is superior to me: you are the same as me. We are both subject to some kind of dramatic change, both subject to laws that surpass our human will. It may be the will of God or fate – some superior force that destroys my values, and I have no power over this force. And we both turn out to be too small to change anything.
And then the boundaries between us are erased, because the common context begins to set a common field. Of course, only religion or philosophy can create such a distance. And only on condition that a person has his own mental resource and there is no shortage of what has been taken away from him.
By the way, existential analysis believes that it is not always necessary to forgive. Sometimes, in order to be yourself, the right thing is not to forgive. When a person feels: “You don’t have to pay me anything else for this, but it can still hurt me. It remains a problem for me, but I don’t need you anymore, I don’t want you to be with me.” A person cannot order himself: I’m sorry. The feeling must grow; until it matures, nothing will happen, and then there will be a small jump when he says: yes, okay, I can forgive you. This is true forgiveness.”