On March 25, 2018, the Zimnyaya Cherry shopping center caught fire in the center of Kemerovo. The alarm did not work, and many shoppers were blocked inside the premises. The death toll is constantly growing. According to the latest data, there are more than 70 of them. How to support someone in whose life grief happened? How can I help him find the right words?
Severe illness, death… Grief happened to a loved one, we know that he needs our help, but we do not always understand what kind. To begin with, the process of mourning is divided into three stages. The first reaction to what happened is shock, pain, horror, numbness. A person does not believe in what is happening, mechanically perceives reality.
The second stage of experiencing is the denial of the reality of the loss. Life at this time is like a bad dream, a person wants to wake up and see that everything is going on as before. Usually at this time he is covered by the pain of loss, which is experienced either in aggression or in depression. Emotions that were previously “frozen” splash out (aggression, anger, anger, search for the guilty) or inward: a person experiences a tremendous sense of guilt towards the deceased.
In fact, all that is required of us in the first two stages is emotional support. Just be there, just listen. The main thing is that a person should not be left alone with his grief. But it is difficult to sit and listen, we all want to do something actively, actively help. When I meet a person, I always ask what we will talk about, what he would like to talk about, what worries him the most. In a conversation, you need to be sensitive and accurate, understand that any question (and the best intention) can cause aggression in a suffering person.
Analysis is important – what did the tragic events change, how did you manage to cope, how to learn to live with it
“How do you feel?” – “Yes, how can I feel if such grief happened to me!” Therefore, it is better to ask softer questions: “How are you?”, “What is happening to you now?” Unless, of course, a person has the resources to talk. Perhaps you just need to support him, saying that he is doing everything right, holding up well. Reassure him that you are with him and that you can help. Ask what help you need. Well, if he can give a specific answer, then you can actively express yourself – go for medicine, cook, clean …
The last stage of mourning is the stage of acceptance. A person learns to live without loss, tries to build it into his life. They tell him – stop worrying, you need to start living. But how? Much depends on how a person relates to his own death, that it is punishment, injustice for him … If he understands that life and death are natural processes that exist in our life, but do not obey us and do not depend on us, he it will be easier to accept your loss. Realize that no matter what happens in his life, he can learn to live with it.
At this stage of mourning, many questions arise that are important to reformulate – not “Why did this happen to me?” But “Why?”. It is important to analyze what the tragic events have changed, how it was possible to cope, how to learn to live with it. Many people find it helpful to go to work. But one should not insist that a person do this immediately – he himself must make this decision. It is also worth taking care that he does not find himself isolated from society (and even more so, you should not offer him to stay at home if he needs to go out). It is necessary to gradually include it in those daily activities that had to be abandoned for a while.
What can not be done?
- Giving advice: they are annoying.
- Say: “I know how you feel now”, “I know how you feel now.” If we haven’t been in this situation, we can’t know. But we can ask, and if the person is ready, he will tell everything himself.
- Under the ban are such expressions as: “Everything will pass”, “Time heals”, “Then it will be easier”, “Think about yourself”, “Your children need you”.
Mourning is not a linear process: I mourned – and everything went away. It develops in a spiral, and in a year or five years it can be as difficult as in the first days. You can’t block emotions, don’t allow yourself to cry – tears help to throw out feelings.
An important detail: when adults leave, parents are painful, hard, but not unfair. When a child dies, we are especially acutely aware that this should not be so. Two of our basic beliefs are being destroyed: the world is just and children are our future. Losing a child, parents lose a part of themselves, their lives, their future. That is why the death of a child causes even greater intensity of feelings. And in this case, others need to be even more careful and accurate.
What should guard?
- Parents keep all the things of the child, do not give his toys to other children – they mummify the memory of him. This suggests that they are stuck in grief and they need the help of a psychologist, a neurologist.
- Too hard way out – a person grieves for a very long time, he does not get better. Refuses to eat, does not answer calls, does not take care of himself, does not want to see anyone, closed. These signs indicate that help is needed.
- Too easy exit. Detachment.