Help a teenager grow up

Not quite teenagers anymore, but not yet adults either. They are between 18 and 25 years old, living with their parents, studying or looking for work. Starting adult life, our children maneuver between the desire for independence and the need for security, they often know and can do more than we do, and at the same time they are still naive and helpless, ready to conquer the world and afraid to go out into it.

And we, their parents, answer a difficult question every day: how to guide a teenager without suppressing it, how to prepare for takeoff, but to secure it? And we doubt: is it so much now depends on us?

“It may seem that the children no longer need us, but this is not so,” emphasizes family psychologist Petr Dmitrievsky. “It is difficult for them to get out of adolescence without the help of adults.”

The relationships they unconsciously hope to maintain are often based on addiction and fear. In a world where human bonds are becoming less strong, children seem to be the only risk-free capital. Parents are ready for emotional, financial, economic assistance, if only the children would stay with them for as long as possible.

And then they are perplexed: why does he not grow up in any way? Although it is obvious that a child in such a situation does not have any incentive to leave a cozy native nest and go towards the challenges of the outside world.

Seek a balance between risk and safety

We worry about our children, no matter how old they are, we want to protect them from injuries and mistakes. And there is a temptation to keep the child under your wing. Perhaps such guardianship reduces risks, but the price is too high, our experts warn.

“Unable to take reasonable risks, a teenager becomes vulnerable,” says Petr Dmitrievsky, “because he cannot rely on his own experience of mistakes and overcoming, he does not learn to predict the consequences of his actions. His inner adult is formed more slowly or not at all because he continues to look at the world because of his mother’s skirt.

Psychologist Anna Tikhomirova clarifies: “In an absolutely safe situation, there is no opportunity to develop. As a result, already adults turn out to be incompetent: they cannot defend their rights and interests, build a hierarchy of values.”

Sometimes parents, seeing that the child does not want to grow up, abruptly change their strategy: “You are an adult, now go ahead yourself, and I wash my hands.”

“If we didn’t teach a child to swim and suddenly threw him into the water, it’s irresponsible,” says Andrey Matveev, an adolescent psychologist. “Parents should gradually refuse help, that is, not do for the child what he can do himself, but support him in those cases when he himself cannot cope.”

“You need to learn to trust the child,” says Anna Tikhomirova, “to believe that he is a worthy person and will cope with his life. Feeling that he is trusted, that his choice is recognized, the teenager begins to treat himself with respect and eventually matures.

Accept his choice

The ambiguous message received from parents often confuses children. They are told: “You are already an adult,” and in the subtext it sounds: “Are you sure that you are ready for adulthood?” And the teenager begins to doubt: did he calculate his strength?

Peter Dmitrievsky believes that parents should ask their children the question from time to time: “Do you need my help?” This will teach them to value their own resources and feel safe. “Perhaps the teenager will refuse, but he will know that adults are ready to help,” emphasizes Anna Tikhomirova.

But what about when the situation seems threatening, such as a teenager refusing to go to the doctor? “Pressure, coercion are no longer possible,” explains Pyotr Dmitrievsky. “The only thing left is ‘excited reporting’: we talk about perceived dangers without hiding our anxiety.”

But if he does not listen and act in his own way, well, this is his choice, experts emphasize. Our son or daughter has the right to dispose of their lives as they see fit. Even if we do not agree with their choice, we can only accept it.

To sign a contract

Older teenagers, as a rule, do not support themselves financially or do it partially; while they are studying, they are supported by their parents. For some adults, this means: I cry – so I lead (control, decide). “But then you should not expect responsibility from the child,” Anna Tikhomirova objects.

– It is necessary to negotiate with a teenager, establishing partnerships. We pay for your studies, and what are you ready to take on? Is it good to study, or just study and get a diploma, or sit with the youngest child, because we don’t have enough for a nanny anymore? What happens if I stop paying? What if you don’t study?

Peter Dmitrievsky clarifies: “You need to understand: the decision, for example, to study at a university is our joint project? Or maybe our personal, dictated by our fear (otherwise the child will end up in the army) or ambitions (in our family all candidates of science)? Then it is our investment in our own peace of mind.”

It is important for parents to be aware of what is happening so that there is no risk of substitution: look how much I have given you, now you owe me. “In fact, we act as grant givers who can check the progress of the “work” from time to time and decide whether to continue funding or to suspend the project,” continues Petr Dmitrievsky.

A teenager needs to understand that he is responsible for his obligations. And parents here will have to show goodwill, but at the same time firmness.

But what about those who don’t know what they want? “The best thing parents can do is give their child time,” Andrey Matveev is sure. “Although, of course, it’s not easy to leave him alone, gain restraint and not interfere when he starts to try, look for and do what he wants.”

Keep making rules

The parental home is not a high-security boarding school for frivolous teenagers, but it is not a boarding house where they come to have everything ready. Therefore, it is so important to establish clear rules for living together. For example, he undertakes to participate in housework, warns when he is late late, does not violate the routine of life in the house …

But we don’t always have the courage to make a teenager follow these rules. “In our culture, it is customary to think that clarity, clarity of requirements are tantamount to cruelty, and love means the absence of boundaries,” explains Petr Dmitrievsky. “The youth of our children challenges this myth.”

This helps them get back to reality, because teenagers tend to overestimate their maturity. For example, did he crash the parent machine? This means that he will pay for its repair or will no longer drive for some time.

Some parents find it difficult to be consistent, they are stopped by fear: what if, by being tough, we spoil the relationship with the child? “If you talk like that, then you need to abandon the idea of ​​education from the very beginning,” Andrey Matveev retorts. – Because one of the tasks of parents is to disappoint the child. Initially, he comes into the world as an egoist. And if you indulge him in everything, nothing good will come of it.

Peter Dmitrievsky recalls that a lot depends on our emotional message: “Relationships are destroyed if we act with hatred, anger. Another thing is when a child sees that we ourselves are sorry to take tough measures, that we do it with annoyance, sadness, but also with sympathy for him.