If you want the conflict to flare up with renewed vigor, or you need to emotionally turn someone on, or maybe finally part with someone, then use hedgehog phrases like: “You and I could never agree before” or “ Our relationship has reached an impasse.» In other cases, hedgehog phrases are undesirable.
The name “hedgehog phrases” was suggested by I.O. Vagin. Another name for hedgehog phrases is conflictogens (see Conflictogen). The opposite of hedgehog phrases are shock absorber phrases (synthons).
Shock absorber phrases about the present: “I understand you”, “I listen to you, I understand your emotions” The hedgehog phrase will be: “So, don’t tell fairy tales” “I don’t understand you”, “What are you talking about” What are you getting at? Hedgehog phrases can also refer to the past: “You let me down before” “You and I could never agree before” “You couldn’t rely on you in the past either.” And you are surprised. And then what? A person does not react to this correctly and gets even more turned on. Well, you told him the truth, that he really turns on like that. Also phrases-shock absorbers: if our goal is to resolve the conflict. If we decide to play with ambition, to wrestle, then — to your health, please, but if, after all, our goal is to settle it, then we use shock absorber phrases: “In the past we found a common language with you”, “We are in solved these problems in the past”, “We have been able to solve this situation in the past”. On the one hand, shock absorber phrases are not complicated, but for some reason most people do not use them. Maybe because they are too simple, but people want something more complicated.
Hedgehog phrases regarding the future: “Our relations have reached an impasse”, “I feel that we will not be able to agree.” And, interestingly, they themselves don’t really believe in it, but for some reason his partner begins to believe in it, sits, nods his head — everything is completely serious. You calmed down and thought for yourself: why did they reach a dead end!? Who pulled you by the tongue!? Satirical remarks: “There is nothing for me to tell fairy tales” with a certain intonation. People, like cats and dogs, react more to intonation than to the meaning of what is said. Also gestures, sarcastic humor, ridiculous remarks.
Ambition instead of constructive
In these cases, I tell an anecdote:
Ilya Muromets comes home, and dad is beaten at home.
— Father, who are you?
— Nightingale the robber.
— Come on, let’s go to the disassembly.
They walked, walked, — they found the Nightingale. He jumped down.
Ilyusha says:
— You know who I am?
— I know — a hero.
And at this time the Nightingale the Robber beats Ilyusha’s father in the head. He falls.
Ilyusha soared:
“Do you know who I am!?”
— Yes, I know — you are the strongest hero in Russia.
And again dad hits in the head, again dad falls.
Ilyusha was wound up from such impudence:
“Do you know who I am!?”
— Yes, I know — you are the strongest hero in the world.
Dad gets up and says:
— Ilyush, let’s go home, we’re tired of the showdown.
Ambitions, what kind of constructive there.