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In the perception of most people, masochism is something harmful, from which it is imperative to get rid of. It’s not fashionable to be a masochist these days. However, this is a very important mechanism not only for adaptation to life, but also for enjoyment. Explains psychoanalytic psychotherapist Tamara Aisina.
Masochism is a valuable tool for adapting to the rapidly changing conditions of life. During the pandemic, we had the opportunity to see this. The entire population of the planet at first was in fear, then we began to adapt and surprisingly found in ourselves the ability to even enjoy being in a “cage”. In this case, we used masochism as one of the ways to find oneself in the modern world, to adapt to reality.
This mode of survival is familiar to infants deprived of love, support, or emotional closeness with their mother — the child gradually goes into self-regulatory mode, signaling his needs less and less.
Often the infant turns to pain as a tool for adaptation. As a result, for such children, the object that causes pain, rather than pleasure, becomes safe and the only one available. Thus masochistic behavior is used for survival.
Submission or competition?
Fortunately, we do not always have to survive — more often we just live and want to have fun. Surprisingly, here too masochism is indispensable. It is equally necessary for both men and women. Although it has always been customary to attribute it rather to the “weaker sex”.
Nevertheless, if we go back to the origins and recall the concept of the Austrian writer Leopold von Sacher-Masoch, it is the woman who becomes the embodiment of cruelty, she dominates the man.
Maybe Sacher-Masoch, who is not related to psychology, was able to discern the inner conflict that is inherent in every woman from the very beginning? The submissiveness that comes from sexuality, and her «I» that does not want to admit defeat?!
«I» wants to conquer, to compete, not to be «castrated». After all, the girl encounters her “castration” very early — at the same time when she discovers the difference between the sexes.
Most psychoanalysts agree that the sexual instinct inevitably includes some «sadistic element.» It is he who forces a person to strive to master the object of sexual desire, conception and the birth of offspring.
But at the same time, sexual intimacy, the birth and upbringing of children are impossible without masochism. After all, all these processes require a huge return and the ability to simultaneously enjoy.
Erotic masochism as part of the feminine
An invariable component of female sexuality is erotic masochism. But it does not at all imply playing a passive role. Erotic masochism is the ability to surrender completely to arousal and allow a sexual object to possess you.
It has nothing to do, for example, with sado-masochistic inclinations. It’s more about a natural impulse that provides a healthy sexual desire and pleasure in women.
Female erotic masochism often manifests itself in rape fantasies common to adolescent girls. During this period, boys fantasize about having a large number of sexual partners, a kind of harem.
Erotic masochism is revealed precisely in sexual relationships with a partner — you can find it in the pleasure of the process of sexual intimacy.
Male and female
In the modern world, one can see a clear trend towards erasing the difference between the sexes, avoiding any manifestation of masochism, including erotic one. This, of course, is reflected in female sexuality.
By blocking erotic masochism, a woman is deprived of the opportunity to enjoy her «accepting» position in closeness with a partner.
This situation sends the woman back to her childhood trauma. Where she doesn’t yet have a gender — it’s not clear if she’s a girl or a boy, or where she’s a «castrated» boy — or where her gender is ignored by her parents.
We can say that «feminine» is a mental and erotic masochism that reveals and makes possible sexual pleasure, finding love and building relationships with a partner. This is the ability to accept and enjoy your vulnerability, the ability to be an object of desire, to give birth, to be a parent.
If a woman refuses «feminine» and masochism, then her whole life focuses on struggle, conquest and control — such women can be called «phallic». Society often evaluates their behavior as “masculine” — assertiveness, harshness, competition with men, career orientation.
At the same time, outwardly, these women can remain very attractive and feminine. Femininity is just a part of «feminine». And if we usually talk about femininity in relation to the representatives of the “weaker sex”, then the concept of “feminine” is applicable to men as well.
But men are afraid to discover the “feminine” in themselves. Although a man deprived of this is hardly able to show empathy, be vulnerable, emotional, diplomatic, flexible. It is very difficult to build a relationship with such a man.
«Female» cannot exist without «male», and «male» without «female». We are not talking here about eliminating the difference between the sexes — on the contrary, men and women differ not only at the physiological level, but also at the level of psychosexual development. It is the “feminine” (psychic and erotic masochism) that brings them closer and makes the connection possible.
Find a balance
Healthy masochism allows you to maintain a balance between action and acceptance. But masochism can become pathological and even fatal.
This is possible when humility does not allow aggression to manifest itself, and the latter is directed at itself. Then a person becomes obsessed with the unconscious search for punishment, getting into situations that inevitably entail suffering, and sometimes even threaten life.
To avoid any imbalance, it is extremely important to be able to hear yourself — your needs and desires. You can at least start by asking yourself a few questions.
- How satisfied am I with my life?
- Do I deprive myself of pleasure too often, and what does it give me?
- How easy is it for me to receive something, and not just give?
The last question is extremely important. When discussing relationships, we tend to focus more on what we are given than on what we are willing to accept. Modern society demands from us actions, conquests, feats, but no one says that behind this struggle the ability to receive and enjoy acceptance is lost.
It is impossible to learn healthy masochism. But it is quite possible to work through the traumas that led to an imbalance, to the inability to realize oneself in any of the areas — personal life or career. Psychotherapy is great for this.