How will a child perceive the birth of a brother or sister, if not so long ago a stepfather or stepmother has already appeared in the house? It depends on the willingness of adults to continue to be sincerely interested in his life, says psychotherapist Karolina Soloed.
KAROLINA SOLOED, psychoanalyst, associate professor of the Department of Psychoanalysis, Institute of Practical Psychology and Psychoanalysis.
“In such a situation, a child of 3-6 years old may have conflicting feelings – curiosity, protest, joy, resentment … They depend on the relationship of the child with the “new parent” – in Russian realities, more often with the stepfather. As well as the presence in his life of his own father, how calm or alarmed his mother is. Even if at first glance it seems that the child treats the newborn as a brother or sister, this is not always the case. Unconsciously, he perceives him as the fruit of his mother’s love for a stranger, finally breaking the hope of reuniting his parents. Jealousy, rivalry, fear of being abandoned – all these feelings inherent in first-born children often intensify in a situation where a new man and his child appear in the family. A preschooler may envy a baby surrounded by the love of two parents; he may be afraid that the younger one will take his place, that a new, “his” son or daughter will be preferred to him.
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Listen seriously to what your older child thinks about this. In fantasies, he may want to “eliminate” a future rival. Do not be afraid: it is better if these fantasies are expressed to you than they will torment him or go into action. Say that you understand his resentment and anger. If you have experience of experiencing jealousy, hostility – share it. It is important to talk about it as much as the child needs. And then tell him how impatiently you were waiting for him and how glad you were for his birth. A preschooler will more easily cope with negative emotions if the mother and stepfather show sincere interest and attention to his life. For example, they will entrust him with part of the care of the baby, make it clear that his help is of great importance. If the child maintains a relationship with his own father, it is important that he approves of these changes and helps the son or daughter not to feel between two fires. Then, in the eyes of the child, the stepfather will cease to be the rival of the father and become the father of the younger sister or brother.
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“Do I love … Dialogue with mother” Bruno BettelheimAn American psychoanalyst analyzes the most seemingly hopeless family situations and answers difficult questions that parents have (Juventa, 1998).