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A loved one falls into dependence, destroys himself, becomes dangerous, but we still forgive him, shield him, try to calm him down. We justify ourselves by saying that otherwise it will be worse. But this does not solve the problem, but creates the illusion of calm.
“We met my husband in a cafe. He sat down next to me, began to pour out his soul: the work is hard, there is not enough time for personal life. In childhood, his father left the family, his mother began to take men to her. He himself, when he grew up, met women only for the sake of sex.
His words touched me. I guess I felt sorry for him then. They began to meet. He drank all this time, started intrigues on the side. When I couldn’t stand it, I threw myself on my knees, blocked the door, begged me not to leave. I stayed. I don’t know why, maybe out of pity after the story he told. I thought we’d live together, he’d settle down. But then everything went on again.”
This is a real story, and there are many such people – on forums, in the lives of friends and relatives, even in your own. Indulgent behavior can come in a variety of forms.
The daughter secretly brings a flask of alcohol to the hospital for her drinking father, although the doctors strictly forbade him to drink.
Parents constantly lend money to an adult son, pay his bills, buy groceries.
The wife forgives and justifies her husband, who raises his hand against her and humiliates her.
The family shields and rescues the “unlucky” relative from trouble, who constantly has problems with the law.
Indulgence does not occur in a vacuum. The “nutrient medium” is often co-dependent relationships. Codependency is easy to recognize – there is no equality in it, while each of the “partners” (in fact, there is no partnership here) accepts this state of affairs. One behaves passively, infantile, reckless. The other turns a blind eye to his shortcomings and the harm he causes to himself and others, and acts as a deliverer. “He breaks – I fix” – this phrase from the film “Pokrovsky Gates” quite accurately describes the distribution of roles in a codependent couple.
The redeemer can complain about his “fate”, get angry at a partner who is dependent on him, defiantly break off relations with him – but do not change anything. He justifies his efforts with duty (“this is my cross, and I have to bear it”, “such is my fate”), pity (“what to do if he disappears without me”), love (“I fell in love with him like that, and that’s all.” “). Many redeemers see in their actions a connotation of high purpose: “I save a person from falling, I alone keep him afloat.”
Reasons why we indulge
1. Concern for a loved one: we feel his suffering and want to alleviate it.
2. Fear that a loved one may get into trouble.
3. Fear of running into conflict.
4. Failure to set boundaries.
5. The fear that a loved one will leave, decide to take revenge, destroy our lives.
Indulgence is like trying to appease a dragon by regularly feeding it sheep. Perhaps the dragon will someday eat and fly away, but it will not be soon. And so, at least, the village will be intact. True, from time to time the monster violates the contract (three sheep a week), sets fires just to frolic. But the inhabitants are afraid to fight back, because then their fragile but hard-won security will be destroyed.
The Deliverer also chooses to continue his suffering because he is under the illusion that he is in control of the situation. Illusions – because concessions will not keep a dependent person from new “exploits”. On the contrary, feeling a reliable rear in the person of a savior, he will continue to poison the life of himself and those around him. Indulgence is first and foremost a problem of the deliverer, which he often does not realize. This is where the path to a sober look at the situation begins, which may have a positive ending.
1. Recognize your limits
We cannot change another person. Inspire, show him the way to change, offer your help – yes. But do not take control of his life. In the case of indulgence, we do not manage anything – we only eliminate the consequences of the destruction caused by man.
2. Separate yourself from the other person
The Redeemer will sigh, but “pull his strap” and “pull his cross” to the end. It seems to him that it is worth leaving his ward for a second, and he will get even deeper into trouble. Then you will have to make even more efforts to rescue him.
This reasoning implies that we are fully responsible for the actions of another person. But he is not a puppet, and we are not puppeteers. His decisions are his alone. By admitting this, we do not become selfish. We only recognize the natural boundaries between ourselves and others: I am me, and you are you.
3. End self-deception
It would be more correct to say – with the denial of the obvious. When we indulge a person in his addiction or encourage his defiant behavior, we assure ourselves that it is all for his own good. But in reality, it is our participation that allows him to do nothing, not to be aware of his problems and not try to solve them.
Empathy makes us choose the quickest and easiest way to relieve the suffering of another.
Perhaps he needs qualified help (doctor, psychotherapist). But the redeemer with his “care” drowns out this awareness, gives false hope: you can live as before, and everything will be fine.
4. Silence empathy
Compassion is a wonderful feeling, but in the case of a codependent relationship, it can become an insidious burden that drags us down. Conscience convinces: “you can’t leave a person alone with his weaknesses”, “he is his own enemy, and you leave him alone in the fight against this enemy.”
The problem is that empathy forces us to choose the quickest and easiest way to alleviate the suffering of another. We see an alcoholic relative suffer, and we buy him a drink. We are melting from the surging tenderness of a partner who just yesterday rushed at us with his fists. But all these situations are only part of a repeating scenario.
If we stop being manipulated, we don’t become “bad” – we look for a more constructive way to deal with the problem.
5. Think about what makes you indulge
Maybe your indulgent behavior is the result of your own insecurity, anxiety, guilt? This is one reason why the deliverer, even when trying to get out of this role, often returns to the same point: his self-esteem drops, anxiety rises, and shame and guilt make life unbearable.
To avoid this, you should seek the advice of a psychotherapist. There are special techniques that help to realize the true causes of anxiety and remove it, to bring self-esteem out of harm’s way.
The main thing is that until you work out the motives for your behavior, you will again and again return to the fruitless hopes of changing the other person with the help of indulgence. The dragon cannot be driven away by making sacrifices to it. You can only expel him or find another, safer place to live.
If your loved one is dear to you, do not indulge him in his weaknesses. Offer to help him, offer to outline a plan that will help him cope with the problem. If he agrees to your terms, go for it.
About the Author: Sharon Martin is a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist.