He made fun of his neighbor for hanged himself because the world is not for the weak. Six months later he did the same. He was sick, but he disguised himself well. The diagnosis was made only after his death. Male depression – a taboo subject.
In Poland, the number of suicides increases every year. The vast majority (approx. 80 percent) of men are taking their lives. Moreover, as statistics show, among suicides there are more and more very young people, up to the age of 25, and teenagers, as well as the elderly, after the age of 75.
Depression is believed to be the cause of most deaths by suicide. The overwhelming number of men as those taking their own lives may indicate that this disease affects them in a special way. Firstly, its course may differ significantly from that of a woman’s depression and the stereotypes about its occurrence. Secondly, very often a man’s depression simply goes undisclosed. According to prof. Dariusz Galasiński, research indicates up to 65 percent of undetected cases. Lack of treatment, support and understanding from the family ends tragically then.
– I think I have been depressed since I was born – 47-year-old Jan smiles bitterly. – What can I say … It is such a state of darkness, powerlessness, but also mad anger. Sometimes he wears a man. He would like to do something, to change something, but then comes a sudden decline in strength. Thoughts come that nothing will work out anyway. For what? The anger is tremendous. All it takes is a spark to pour out on others. I abandoned my family, cut myself off. I did it because it hurt to be with them. I stayed in my brother’s garage. My wife brought me dinner sometimes and I hated her for it! Meeting her reminded me of how pathetic I am. I believed that by leaving my loved ones I did well. In fact I screwed up: from reality, and from myself. Further and deeper into this darkness …
Małgorzata Liszyk – Kozłowska, psychotherapist (www.malico.com.pl): – Man’s depression is difficult to diagnose for several reasons: first of all – a man seeks help much less often than a woman. Both psychiatric and therapeutic, as well as temporary forms of relief from inner suffering. Difficulty in expressing emotions and feelings, a great sense of shame and the characteristic of blaming himself for failures block him from talking openly with someone close to him. And inexpressible emotions are hell for the soul. A depressed man struggles with them alone. Another reason: cultural codes. Unfortunately, I still have the conviction that it is not proper for a man to be weak. He was born to be a warrior. He has specific tasks to perform. He must provide the family with living and a sense of security, and his professional work is like a battlefield on which a man’s self-esteem is rooted. When he begins to have failures on him, the whole system breaks down, from which the man drew strength and – as it seemed to him – gained in the eyes of others as a causative person. The feeling of self-confidence is running out. However, when a crisis comes, it may not manifest itself in the form of sadness. Conversely, a depressed man may become aggressive, explosive, irritable and risk-prone. Most often he hides the real causes of the “crying soul” behind a mask of various behaviors, which makes it difficult for the family – but also for himself – to see what he is actually struggling with and why it is so dangerous for him.
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Masked depression. Shocked family
Anita is one of the five daughters of a farmer who died tragically: – Dad took his life at the age of 58. In the morning, after breakfast together, he went to the barn and hanged himself on a leather belt. At the table, he was joking as usual. He ate with appetite. I was 16 at the time. I don’t remember Dad ever complaining about a bad mood. He was the same all the time. He worked hard, talked to his mother, joked with his daughters. We drove a worn-out van to the church every Sunday. Dad was a member of the parish council. He was socially involved. Always kind to people, smiling. After his suicide, we were shocked. We searched for reasons and did not find them. Mum despaired terribly, but she also claimed that she did not sense anything. After my dad died, a psychologist spoke to us. She explained that Dad was probably going through a deep depression which he masked. He wanted to keep the appearance of a normal life to the end. I have wondered many times where these subtle signals could be that would show us that Dad was suffering. And I can’t find them. Maybe I was too young, I didn’t know enough: about my parents’ marriage or about my father’s childhood experiences. Mom died three years after him. For cancer.
Małgorzata Liszyk – Kozłowska: – Men in depression, unlike many women, can maintain the appearance of normality until the end, that is until a tragic death. They cling to work and the routine of daily duties. This may weaken the vigilance of loved ones and make the patient himself mistakenly believe that he is coping somehow. The day goes by. Gray, colorless, tasteless and no joy, but somehow it goes. A woman’s emotions are clearer. The sadness, apathy and crying that accompany her depressive states are visible to those close to her. Moreover, women are more willing to talk about their experiences to others. They pour out internal toxins, which brings relief. A man suppresses emotions or transforms them into behavior inadequate to the situation. She also uses stimulants more often than a woman and is anesthetized by, for example, cybersex. All this generates even more tension in his relations with loved ones. The offended partner may not even guess that the cause of the man’s behavior lies in his illness. And here we come to the difficult moment: we have to put the moral measure on the shelf and realize that the guy who generates hell in the family with his behavior, who happened to raise his hand against a child, is perpetually irritated and explosive, he started to drink, eat and play hours on a computer that has stopped having sex, has lost his job, and is reluctant to look for a new one – in fact, he may need immediate psychiatric and therapeutic help.
Depression and alcoholism
Three years have passed since the suicide of 35-year-old Adam. The man left behind a wife and one long-awaited child. To this day, the family still licks from his wounds after his terrible death. His wife, parents, sister, brother mourn him …
– I will remember Adam as a sensitive, hardworking and cheerful guy. He ran a hardware store. People came to him for nails and stayed for a while because he was a great conversationalist. He could remember which of the neighbors had a child, that someone was in the hospital, and someone went abroad. He asked later, he was curious. When his daughter was born, he was mad with joy. Two years later, he hanged himself in a grove that the locals call “the grove of hangmen”. He wasn’t the first to do it at this place. He didn’t leave a farewell letter. In his car a bottle with half-drunk vodka was found. He consumed alcohol before his death. People in the village said that long before the tragic day he was carrying a roll of thick blue rope in the backseat. He was later found on this.
The deceased’s wife: – Adam drank. Maybe he wasn’t doing it in a spectacular way, but he was still drinking. And we argued about it all the time, even though his parents thought I was exaggerating. Adam slept after beer, and after vodka he became aggressive. And then he cried and apologized to me. I was exhausted. When the baby appeared, we moved away from each other. I was afraid he would do something tiny. He could stand an hour above the crib and stare at the sleeping daughter. I asked, “What are you standing there?” And he didn’t answer anything but his eyes were strange. The medical examiner explained to me that my husband was probably depressed. And he was an alcoholic, which certainly made his suffering worse. If I could turn back time, I would put my pride in my pocket and lead him – if only by force – to a psychiatrist. Unfortunately, the strong anger at him for drinking blocked his kind attitude. That is the saying, be understanding and careful towards your spouses, give them a helping hand, but they can do such a shit to their loved ones. This is a vicious circle …
Eugenia, 66, from a small village: – Zdzisław has been our good neighbor for several decades. Popped in for a chat. Once he came excitedly and said that in the other village, such and such hanged himself. I will not forget his words: “What a coward! He could be on a dry branch, so that the family wouldn’t cry now… ”Half a year later, at the same table, I talk to his despairing wife. She came to ask if he had told me something, he did not confide. Because Zdzisław hanged himself at night in the cowshed on a string for a forage harvester. He was 67 years old. I was as shocked as the others.
How to help a man in depression?
The alienation and difficulties faced by a man suffering from depression in his daily life may contribute to the build-up of enormous internal tension. The emotions that accompany him, and which do not find outlet in contact with another person, aggravate further problems and give rise to a feeling of frustration and helplessness. The man feels as if he is losing control of his life and the reality around him and is starting to frighten him. He may still try to regain it in various ways, but sometimes the only right options in his opinion are alienation and flight, the use of violence and the final solution – that is, suicide.
So how to help him? How to make him realize the enormous problem he is struggling with so that he can take steps to heal.
Curing depression is possible, but what matters most is the patient’s good will and knowing that you are sick and need help. The sooner a man reports his problems to a specialist, the easier it will be to get rid of the ailments. Doctors are constantly struggling to make depression a taboo subject and that nobody should be ashamed of it. It should be treated as a normal disease. The only difference is that it affects the soul, not the body, although the pain of the soul can manifest itself in the form of somatic symptoms, e.g. weight loss / increase, hair loss, deterioration of the skin quality, reduction of general immunity.
We must remember that not only women suffer from depression. This severe disease is a gender domain, although its course may vary.
Psychologist Marta Bryka, who gave a lecture on depression in men in June 2012, notes: “To help a man who is suspected of having an episode of depression, we must be patient and gentle. It is not worth saying: Get a grip, get a grip… It’s important to convince yourself that depression is not a weakness. It is simply a disease »and the therapist Liszyk– Kozłowska adds:
– If blood is flowing from your nose, you do not wonder why it is flying, you are just blocking it. It just is. And it is the same with depression. This is a fact: a disease that must be dealt with. For the good of the patient and his family – as soon as possible. In order to prevent the problem from escalating and, consequently, to a tragedy.