“He was so strong and confident”: how not to fall for the tricks of a tyrant man

“I want to handle” – this common phrase is common to many women, regardless of their age. I would like the man to pick it up, lift it, press it and understand everything, then kiss it and gently say: “What a fool you are.”

There are, however, women who do not want this. And not even because they learned to distinguish a beloved man from the image of an ideal father, but because they have already been in a relationship with such strong, intelligent and men who do not hide their superiority. From these relationships, some women had to run away at night in fear, leaving all things behind. Then, in therapy or in the kitchen of a friend, they asked: “How could you guess that he would turn out to be a sadist and a tyrant? After all, it all started like in a movie.”

“The world caught me, but did not catch”

Once I had such a case. The client, suffering from the fact that she always comes across the wrong men, flew into the office completely happy:

I met such a man! He is brutal, strong and with a noble gray hair. I feel like I can rely on him.

– I’m so happy for you. Tell me more?

– We met by chance, he was supposed to pick up a package from a friend from me. I thought that he would just pick it up and we would disperse, but he turned out to be so active! Not like those who don’t know what they want…

– Active in what way?

– He immediately said that he would meet me tomorrow evening after work. Of course, I was a little surprised, but this is probably because I have lost the habit of real men. In general, you know, such a joyful feeling and thought: “Someone takes responsibility for me, will now take care of me.”

– How interesting, but he offered to help you with something? Why did you decide that he would take care of you?

— And how? He’s coming to meet me after work. True, he does not have a car and we will drive mine to my house. He also said as in a movie: “I have already decided everything, now you can’t get away from me anywhere.”

“Sounds promising…” I replied, and I thought to myself: “like in a horror movie.”

“And he’s also all pumped up, in tattoos. I asked him: “What kind of tattoo do you have:“ the world caught me, but did not catch me ”? And he replied: “I foolishly did this, now I’m thinking of mixing it up. After her, there was trouble with money, and all the women began to come across the wrong ones.

– And why did he break up with the previous lady?

– She brought him up and he was very angry. Specially bred for aggression. True, he has not completely left her yet, because things need to be taken away, and she will surely begin to hysteria and not let go.

Does he live in her apartment? I clarified, thinking that he probably had nowhere else to live, and in previous relationships he beat his “passion”.

– Well, yes, it was more convenient, but she exhausted him. After all, he likes feminine, kind, so that the house is good and warm. I’ve already cooked a pie this morning to surprise him in the evening, otherwise he missed caress and care …

I will not retell further dialogues, but rather I will tell the ending right away. The noble gray-haired man turned out to be unemployed, convicted, sitting all his life on the neck of his parents or women, prone to assault. Why did I start asking these leading questions and what made me assume such a story in the first place?

Signs of a Potential Tyrant

Many women in a relationship are looking for a father and recognize him by indirect signs: strong, tall, smart, decides everything, strokes his head from above, buys sweets and picks him up from work in the evening. This is how all fathers usually look for a five-year-old girl. Once a couple of features are found, all other factors cease to matter. Especially if a woman has long wanted love and care, and her parents divorced when she was little. There were several factors that should be paid attention to in the story of my client:

1. Her new acquaintance went on the attack too quickly. In his case, this factor was a sign that the previous girl had long wanted to kick him out of the apartment.

2. He immediately took a position “from above” (“I have already decided everything”), without having the slightest reason for that.

3. He blames external factors for his failures – a tattoo, women. The tattoo is to blame for bad luck, and the woman herself provokes him to aggression. Yes, and the inscription on the tattoo – “the world caught me, but did not catch” – also speaks of a desire to escape from responsibility.

4. Brutality (muscles, tattoos, beards and the general “wildness” of the appearance) is now in vogue. But some characters choose a deliberately aggressive style of appearance and behavior because they are actually terribly afraid. Often they are afraid because they were beaten as children. And growing up, they take revenge on the weaker ones. Hence the dreams of “sweet and soft.”

How to stop falling for tyrants

1. Don’t look for a parent. If you are looking for a protector, a “solver” of all problems, then you are looking for an ideal father. If someone who always understands, consoles, finds words and wipes away tears, then you are looking for an ideal mother. If you want to meet a man who combines all of the above, then you want to find both parents in one person at once.

We must begin to grow up little by little, learn to provide ourselves not only financially, but also emotionally. When you confidently stand on your own feet, you will stop losing touch with reality from falsely caring words like “I decided everything for us”, “I am a man and therefore I will solve all problems for both of us”, etc.

2. Don’t confuse femininity with weakness. The fact is that weakness, naivety and dependence are signs of a child, and not a synonym for femininity. It is these adult girls that attract potential tyrants with their weakness (easy to suppress), dependence (will not go anywhere) and naivety (against her background, anyone seems smart).

3. Look for what interests you. If you can’t interest yourself, then why should someone else be interested in you? If you are not happy with your current situation and do not see an independent way out of it at all, then you are signaling to others about weakness and dependence. Who runs on such signals, you, I hope, have already understood.

4. Don’t be afraid to be “masculine.” Do not paint in your head pictures of a lonely business woman with masculine habits, who can only afford to relax and cry at the window in the evening. Strength does not conflict with femininity and vulnerability. The fact is that out of weakness and fear, people put on armor on the heart and a mask on the face. And a self-confident woman can be open and relaxed, because she knows for sure that she will not faint from a sidelong glance or ridicule, and at the same time she will be able to protect her psychological boundaries from gross encroachments.

What will you gain as a result of these steps? Yourself and your life. This is already a lot. Moreover, it is very attractive to others. You will start meeting other men, you will have other topics for conversation, hobbies, and at some point you will realize that for the first time you have developed a qualitatively new relationship with another adult. Perhaps this will be love.