Some trifle, a reproach — and the conversation turns to raised voices … Can such banal bouts of irritation jeopardize the relationship of the two? The question is debatable, however, if you know how to deal with them, they rather indicate that everything is in order with the couple.
There are moments in our lives when we would willingly kill a partner … over a trifle that pisses us off. He never lowers the toilet seat, she always puts papers away somewhere, he always buys laundry detergent in bags, although she needs bottled detergent, she throws away newspapers that he did not even have time to look through.
The list is endless. But how can such seemingly nonsense lead to a scream or, conversely, to silence with a stone face? Our irritation is quite natural. “Moreover, these grains of sand in the millstones of a relationship are an indispensable attribute of living together and they indicate that the couple is all right,” says French sociologist Jean-Claude Kaufmann. “Provided, however, that you know how to deal with them somehow.”
Such bouts of irritation can tell a lot about the difficult art of living together.
Psychologies: Why, as soon as partners start living together, there is irritation with each other?
Jean-Claude Kaufmann: Not even a honeymoon is complete without it! But at first, irritation is felt weaker, because they don’t want to see it and everyone tries to suppress this feeling in themselves. Entering into a life together, you must go towards the other, towards his world and the new one that you are building together. We must realize the need to change, to move somewhere.
Two partners test each other and decide what they can give up in themselves and what they can accept in the other. Irritation with each other is a sign that the process of unification has begun. The more the relationship tends to merge, the greater the risk of irritation. And so on until the common landmarks for the two are established. After that, negative emotions are constantly manifested only in case of persistent trouble in the relationship.
Irritation is often associated with objects, their place in the house, but also affects the manners of the other, and his attitude to time …
Most of our daily activities are done automatically, unconsciously. They are the result of past experience. Everyone has their own experience, and their mechanical actions are also their own. When it comes to simple procedures, placement of objects, etc., no two people act the same way.
In a couple, not all life is “joint”, everyone needs air — personal time and personal space
He irons the shirts on the table, starting with the sleeves, while she uses the ironing board and starts from the back. And what happens? Mutual irritation. Living together is a clash of two microcultures. The couple is meant to create a common culture, and irritation arises when the other shows his own characteristics.
But many women are especially annoyed when their partner “relaxes” too much at home, for example, throwing things around …
In fact, relaxing is a relatively new phenomenon. For many today, steam is a place to find peace. Returning home after a busy day means finally hiding from prying eyes and getting the opportunity to let go of the reins. This is how men tend to use their home. And this trend can reach a real regression — a return to childish forms of behavior.
Female irritation refers not so much to this relaxation, but to the fact that a man dissolves himself more and more and becomes less attractive. From the point of view of a man, what else is a couple for, if not to give themselves free rein? But in a couple, not all life is “joint”, everyone needs air — personal time and personal space. And here you need to find the right distance.
Do the reasons that cause us bouts of irritation change over time?
Naturally: the little things that at first we hardly noticed, gradually become more obvious. This can go on for quite a long time — five, ten, twenty years. With the advent of children, some irritants disappear, while others begin to act more strongly. Children need to set an example, which imposes a ban on certain habits, such as slovenliness and laziness.
In retirement, when people spend more time together, the gestures of the other, reminding that he is different, remain the same, but more annoying. Alexander has been walking around with sagging pockets stuffed with all sorts of things for thirty years now, but suddenly this becomes unbearable for his wife — she sees nothing but this.
So what, we are doomed to forever not endure each other?
From the moment the movement towards each other slows down or stops, the damage from bouts of irritation becomes greater. Moreover, over time, some automatic actions are fixed: Max bites his nails, Veronica is always late — and these traits annoy their spouses.
But more important is not the cause of irritation or its intensity, but its evolution over time. If Alexander, Max or Veronica do not care that their behavior unnerves their partner, the case will end in an explosion. And their union will be in jeopardy. It is necessary to make at least a small effort — even if it does not give a result. But we usually do not guess for a long time what annoys the other in us.
And when a person knows perfectly well what exactly irritates another, isn’t there a risk of manipulation?
Usually married life is marked by a peaceful striving for unity. But when neither outbursts of emotion, nor attempts to speak, nor body language, nor escaping into silence remove the annoyance, there can be pleasure in manipulation.
Those who stubbornly deny irritation and never talk about it — they can really ruin love.
For example, Jan cannot stand it when his wife “forgets” to turn off the light, she knows this and doesn’t turn it off on purpose, “because he doesn’t even try to put his things away.” «An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth» — this method of communication does not give any result.
Are you saying that sometimes it’s more tempting to annoy another than to make concessions?
Today, people tend to live in accordance with modern ideas about tolerance, the division of household chores, the rejection of the traditional distribution of roles. But this modern life is not so easy to build, and the master-slave model may reassert itself.
“Give in” is putting it mildly. It’s about changing something deep in yourself, working on yourself. To get rid of irritation, we are at war either with the other or with ourselves — the latter, undoubtedly, the only way to return to civilized marital communication.
Domestic irritation can kill love?
In this story, it is salutary that the stages alternate. First, someone gets angry, and this allows you to express what was not said. Then there is a desire to feel like a couple again. After the crisis, partners meet warmly, as after a long separation.
But this applies only to those couples who are aware of the irritation and try to make it disappear. And those who stubbornly deny it and never talk about it — they can really ruin love.