The love part of a teenager’s life is beyond the control of his parents, family psychologist Lyudmila Petranovskaya recalls. When relationships don’t work out, forget about advice and just be there: time heals this pain, and definitely not parents.
LYUDMILA PETRANOVSKAYA is the author of the book “What to do if…” (Avanta+, 2010).
Your 15-year-old daughter just broke up with a friend she dated for over a year, she cries all the time, shutting herself in her room. A teenage son was abandoned by a girl, he became isolated and very worried. How to help them cope with the first love loss? A breakup with a loved one causes acute pain to a teenager who, perhaps for the first time, discovers that strong feelings can cause suffering and make him very vulnerable. He will have to overcome shock, denial, anger, depression – before he can finally accept the situation as it is. It is important that at this time at home he feels safe, knows that his experiences are accepted. Phrases like “Yes, you will have a hundred more of these” are unacceptable: they reduce the value of the choice made by the child and diminish his pain. Don’t juxtapose feelings and responsibilities. Saying: “You’d better think about your studies,” you imagine the child’s life divided into areas of “important” – affairs, results, achievements – and “unimportant” – relationships. This is not true. We will not call a happy person who is doing well with the USE results (salary, career), but everything is bad in his personal life. So why fool the kids? Refrain from giving any advice, whether it be an offer to buy a new outfit (“and then he will fall”) or a hint on how to behave, “so that he (a) understands (a) what he is losing.” Such advice “protects” from deep feelings, offering to replace them with active actions (quickly do something to make it calmer). But truly loving means not being afraid of pain, having the courage to be vulnerable. Unhappy love is an experience that develops the soul and teaches you to accept the imperfection of the world, prepares you for a future mature, happy relationship. So if a child asks you: “What should I do now?” – the most correct answer would be: “Feel. To suffer. Remember. To live on”.
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“Practical psychology for teenagers. The 100 Most Difficult Situations You Need to Get Over by Danielle Marcelli, Guilmette de La BorieIn a child psychotherapist’s book, teens in a similar situation will find words of encouragement (U-Factoria, 2008).