Keeping silent about something out of politeness is too complicated a rule for a preschooler, says psychologist Natalia Bogdanova. But the tactless (from the point of view of adults) behavior of children is not a reason for reproach, but an opportunity to see oneself from the outside. And draw conclusions.
NATALIA BOGDANOVA, child psychoanalyst, employee of the psychological center GAME.
“Who else is there?” – says 5-year-old Roma, when his mother opens the door to a doctor from the clinic. “Aunty has such a fat butt!” – 3-year-old Savva is amazed, sitting down with his grandmother in a minibus. Saying what is not customary to say out loud, indecent, preschoolers put us in an awkward position. Apologize for the child to others and share with him the responsibility for what happened. After all, we usually experience shame or anger when we recognize ourselves in the behavior and words of children. But the most difficult situation for us to cope with is when the child begins to retell outsiders our private conversations. When the teacher asked 6-year-old Rita after the summer holidays how she was doing, she answered: “Bad. Mom and I have absolutely nothing to wear, and dad bought himself a motorcycle … ”Involuntarily giving out family secrets, the child is waiting for others to react to his words. He is sure that everything that happens in the house is related to him, and unconsciously seeks to understand how to react to it. Whether we are talking about intimate conversations between parents or about the conflict between mom and her sister, nothing escapes his attention. Sometimes with his “revelations” in the presence of loved ones, the child tries to attract their attention. For example, when he feels that he is not taken seriously, or when events occur that disturb him – the birth of a brother, the illness of one of his relatives, a move – and the explanations of adults are clearly not enough for him. Try to find out why it is so important for the child to tell strangers about this or that fact. Explain that there are topics that concern only his family. But to show the boundaries of the private and the public is possible only by your own example. Criticizing your mother-in-law in front of your child or complaining about your husband to a friend can hurt his feelings. Think about how delicately you yourself dispose of information about your children. It is difficult to teach a child to respect the privacy of loved ones without showing respect for his own.”
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“Family through the eyes of a child” Gintaras ChomentauskasA well-known Lithuanian psychotherapist recalls how closely the behavior of children is connected with the self-awareness of adults, with the relationship of parents to each other (Rama Publishing, 2010).