– Fathers don’t say: it hurts, the kid lived two days. They only ask: what can I do to make my partner better? They don’t allow themselves to be sad, and sometimes they don’t know they have a right to it. We talk to the psychotherapist Małgorzata Maj-Mierzejewska from the “Suddenly Sami” Foundation about a miscarriage.
- Parents who lost their unborn children experience the loss differently, but that doesn’t mean they have no right to mourn
- The psychotherapist explains what not to tell parents after a miscarriage – there are sentences that can do more harm than good
- The expert also tells about how long grief lasts after a miscarriage
Zuzanna Opolska, Medonet: Each of us experiences loss differently, but how is mourning after a miscarriage or a perinatal loss different?
Małgorzata Maj-Mierzejewska: The course and duration of mourning are always individual matters. The loss of a baby in the womb, during childbirth or in the short term, is so different that not everyone knew that a new life begins somewhere.
Secondly, if the child was not physically present in such a tangible sense of the word, then the perspective of those observing would-be parents is different. Unfortunately, it is still a taboo subject, ignored and diminished by the environment. In the stories I hear at the Foundation, the thread of the lack of consent to survive the loss is repeatedly mentioned.
- See also: What are the symptoms of a miscarriage? How to recognize them?
It seems to us that a five-year-old deserves a tombstone, and a five-month-old fetus does not?
Losing a five-year-old is losing someone with whom we have real memories. The albums contain photos, objects marked with their presence at home: the desk at which the toddler was drawing, his favorite mug or a toothbrush with Lightning McQueen. In the case of miscarriages, we feel a sense of non-existence. Various messages reach mothers and fathers: do not overdo it, do not mourn, forget, turn to life.
The words “will you have another child” arouse anger?
Yes. For them, it doesn’t matter whether they have one or three more children. The important thing is that there is no particular child who was most important to them in the world.
What else should not be said?
“But you already have children” – this is another key sentence that should be blacklisted. I understand where these types of statements can come from – in the face of a huge tragedy, we are looking for words of comfort. However, such sentences strengthen the feeling of loneliness and are not considered supportive by suffering people. When they hear similar messages, bereaved parents feel that they cannot bear their pain out. Regret must be hidden.
Is it then better not to talk about pregnancy ended in miscarriage?
I think there is no one good solution – in the office we look at what a given person needs. Some women prefer not to speak to avoid all questions and “good advice”. They want to experience mourning on their own terms, in a close circle, more intimately. Then, however, they have to reckon with the fact that someone may unknowingly hurt them …
- Also read: How can I come to terms with my loss?
For example, an uncle at the Christmas table asking: are you trying to have a child …
Or a cousin who takes out clothes just bought in Smyk. Perhaps if she had known, she would have acted differently.
Irvin Yalom, an existential psychiatrist and psychotherapist, noted that when we lose a friend or a parent, we mourn the past and say goodbye to the present as we know it. Losing a child also means losing the future, and thus many plans, hopes and ideas about his future life. How does this affect mourning?
I think that there are many losses that are not noticed by the environment. The first words spoken, learning to walk, reading bedtime stories … We also lose the chance to be marked in the world – after all, the child is our part that goes through the pages of history and ensures us duration when we are gone. If the family tradition is to survive, it needs to be continued.
Does it happen that a woman gives up motherhood after several previous miscarriages?
Yes, on the one hand, each subsequent pregnancy is associated with a great fear, on the other hand, we are not only talking about the drama of loss, but also about an extremely traumatic way of losing. Memories related to the stay in the hospital, contact with medical staff, the course of childbirth, it is difficult to forget about it. This inner conviction that “I will not lift a single tear more” is sometimes a moment of helplessness and a good starting point for therapeutic work, and sometimes a conscious and consistent decision dictated by a medical diagnosis.
I would like to ask you to comment on a few myths that exist around miscarriages. It seems to us that if a woman already has children, it will be easier to cope with grief …
In my experience, it can be more motivated at the task level. I have other children who need me and I have to face the situation no matter what.
Mourning may be shorter?
Not necessarily, but it could be different. On the one hand, we have a person for whom it is worth trying, on the other hand, it is not so that the sense of duty allows you to forget about Ania or Bartek lying in the cemetery. Talking about time in the context of mourning, i.e. what makes it last shorter or longer, is a big stereotype.
But it was not us journalists who said: year …
Neither are we psychologists – this is a socio-cultural issue. The year is a cycle of complete transformation – consecutive seasons, months, holidays and days without a loved one. We have normative messages about how long we should wear black clothes and when it is appropriate to have another husband. In our Foundation, we do not recognize the year as a time for mourning. From our perspective, there is no border that we could clearly indicate and say: this is no longer ok.
If the border is fluid, how long should I worry about?
It is not a matter of time, but of functioning – if it turns out that we are unable to fulfill our life roles and carry out everyday tasks, we neglect our own biology, we feel an incredible emptiness, we have thoughts of suicide, we reach for alcohol or tranquilizers – it is disturbing.
Mourning as such resembles depression in its image, but in a clinical sense it is not. However, if the signals indicated above are present, we may be dealing not only with a loss crisis, but also with an illness.
As for the time, I think you can feel sad and long after five years. It is important what our definition of mourning is. With my patients, we try to answer the question: what does it mean to end mourning?
And what are the answers?
Differently. It could be a statement: I have pain and longing inside me, I will not stop going to the cemetery, but I am ready for the next child. In the case of a woman who lost her husband, the closing of the mourning can be the words: I’m still thinking about where we could be in five years, but tomorrow’s coffee with a colleague from the neighboring department is not a bad idea. Sometimes it is a step forward to sort things out of the dead, or to catch myself not thinking about him all day. We may not feel right about it at first, but the guilt wears off over time. It is such indicators that can signal that mourning has been overworked. I think every move towards life matters.
There is another myth – if the miscarriage took place at the very beginning of pregnancy, it is easier for us …
Not necessarily – there are women who find out about a non-embryonic pregnancy during the first ultrasound examination, and still feel the loss. For them, this empty egg developing in the uterus was associated with dozens of thoughts, images and feelings. I think it is not so much a matter of time as of this experience within itself.
From therapeutic practice, I can say that parents experience exceptional trauma in the case of stillbirths, i.e. when the fetus dies in the uterus or a stillborn child is born as a result of perinatal complications. It is an amazing blow for a woman, especially since her body has been preparing for a new role over the last year. There is milk, but no child to feed it …
How often do women feel guilty? I read that it affects especially people who were not convinced of parentage …
If there was previously uncertainty as to whether it was a good time to have a baby, and there was a loss, then there may be more to look for the fault in yourself. Thinking “what if” accompanies many mothers: I could not carry my shopping, I could go to an ultrasound scan two days earlier, I could quit my job. On the one hand, we tend to look for answers, on the other hand, we like to feel in control of the situation. It is very difficult for us to face the fact that we are powerless in the face of the stories that have happened to us.
Does it happen that women ask what to say to children who were waiting for a sister or brother?
As a rule, the women who visit us have already talked to their children for the first time. Sometimes they ask if they got it right or if it could have been explained better.
What do they most often say?
It all depends on the age of the other children. The younger ones that God took the angel to Himself, the older ones that mummy was sick and the baby felt bad. Sometimes they don’t comment at all. However, I think that it is better to tell the truth in a way appropriate to the age of the child – emotions that are in the family cannot be hidden. Children feel something is wrong.
A study published in the Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry in 2001 showed that another child may have a disturbed relationship with the mother. Anyway, already in the 60s Cain & Cain described the phenomenon of a “surrogate child” …
My practice shows that being in another pregnancy or being a mother of another child is simply difficult. I often mourn a miscarriage with my parents for a new life. It is an incredibly difficult process due to the enormity of fear that arises along the way.
Each examination is accompanied by a pressure jump and heart palpitations. At first it seems to us that if we get past the point where we lost our previous child it will be better, but often it is not.
Even after the baby is physically present in the world, this feeling of anxiety does not go away. The woman watches the baby while he is sleeping, listens to his every breath, is always ready. It is a bond marked by fear. It is worth being mindful of the above-mentioned anxiety and not ignoring what, despite our great happiness, appears in our experience. The shadow of loss requires proper care so that it does not affect how we build contact with the next child. We also talk about it during therapeutic meetings.
How can a miscarriage affect your relationship? Research published in Pediatrics in 2010 shows that many compounds of a similar test do not stand up? (22% if the miscarriage occurred before the 20th week of pregnancy, 40% if after).
A crisis in your relationship is something you have to work through, not endure. Men and women see the world differently and react to it differently. In psychology, we say that female and male depression are different in the clinical picture.
In women, we mainly observe depression, withdrawal from life, tears for which we have consent – it is common knowledge that emotions and a woman go hand in hand.
On the other hand, men are more likely to develop outward-facing symptoms, the so-called externalizing: anger, irritability, risky behavior, such as fast driving, drinking alcohol or psychoactive substances. The cover may be workaholism, understood more as being in duty, that is, creating a space for ourselves in which we do not think and feel. Hence the mutual misunderstanding in the relationship. He runs away from tasks, and she has a feeling that if his partner does not talk about emotions, he did not care about the baby.
If such a couple came to your office, what would you advise them?
Sit down and talk. In my opinion, it is extremely important to look closely at your reactions to loss, to get to know the meanings of the other side. Ultimately, it’s about living it together.
A man may not record his own escape?
Fathers coming to the consultation do not say: it hurts, my child lived for two days. They only ask: what can I do to make my partner better? They play the role of a guardian to protect a beloved woman. They do not allow themselves to be sad, and sometimes they do not even know that they have a right to it, especially when the people around them ask: but how Kasia?
As if it were only her child …
Yes, their stories are different, but they both have an equal right to pain. Orphaned fathers who ask me how they can support their partner, I tell you soon, we’ll talk about it, but first tell me, how do you feel? And in an instant the air escapes from the tense man. He becomes a wounded man, his tears run down, his voice breaks. Sometimes he apologizes for crying.
Is sex becoming a problem?
The question often arises: won’t it be insensitive if I try. For him, it is a form of closeness, and for his partner, sex is now primarily associated with the conception of life, which is an area of unhealed tragedy. It happens that a woman has a problem accepting her own physicality after a miscarriage. Unable to fulfill the role of a mother, she feels handicapped on the level of biology. She says that her uterus has become a grave.
How can we help orphaned parents?
What we can give in every mourning is an authentic presence.
So talk less and be?
Certainly not to ask: how are you feeling. Because how is a woman who gave birth to a stillborn baby to feel? It is always worth offering specific help: bring dinner, do the laundry, pick up the kids from school. Give handkerchiefs when she cries. Take the hand. Just create something like a helper path that will make it possible to survive the crisis of loss.
* Nagle Sami Foundation www.naglesami.org.pl helps people after loss. The Foundation conducts consultations, therapies and support groups. The Foundation also runs a toll-free 800 108 108 support line, open on weekdays from 14 p.m. to 00 p.m. Currently, the Rak’n’Roll Foundation is conducting a fundraising for the continued smooth operation of the Nagle Sami Foundation:
https://www.facebook.com/donate/181389912973865/2936179596427458/
If you are one of the orphaned parents and want to tell your story, please write to us: [email protected]
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