Contents
“He has to guess”, or the game of telepathy is a common mistake (often female) in building relationships. People do not talk about their own desires, but at the same time they naively believe that they are obvious, and if others do not realize them, then this is out of harm or a bad attitude.
Girls are often sure that a loving person (her young man) should feel her in such a way as to guess what she wants, what is dear to her, what is unacceptable for her — and so on. Considering that a loving young man is simply not accustomed to thinking this way — and he doesn’t know how, there is no necessary qualification, such an attitude — or such a game — turns out to be a mine for relationships under construction, gives rise to resentment and quarrels.
Perhaps you expect from your favorite romantic dinner at a restaurant: «since we started living together, this happens less and less, and everything was so good at the beginning of the relationship.» Time goes by, and the beloved does not lead you anywhere. I want to be angry and offended, thoughts “fall out of love” arise, someone begins to obsessively ask: “Do you still love me?”, Someone is looking for confirmation “he doesn’t love me anymore” (he doesn’t wash his plate), reproaches and criticism begin …
The beloved may begin to feel that he may even be to blame for something, but how can he guess what exactly? After all, everyone has their own love languages, and even if he washes the plate behind him, he has not yet guessed your innermost desire!
Moral: if you want to go to a restaurant in the evening, tell your loved one about it in plain text. For those who are especially smart, it’s enough to hint, sometimes it helps to remember some especially romantic evening that began in a restaurant — one way or another, it’s your concern: to convey to your loved one what you want from him.
Therefore, get used to talking to each other, learn to talk to each other, introduce the other to yourself and yourself to him (her). If you have a serious relationship and recurring situations, be sure to discuss the Family Agreement Questionnaire together. If you are just starting a relationship or the question is not typical, all the more so do not expect someone to guess your expectations. Start in a soft way to talk about what is important, interesting and dear to you, what are your features and preferences, so that the young man gradually gets to know you and does not guess. Didn’t make a mistake.
Clarification: this does not mean that the main content of your meetings should be that you talk about yourself and your desires — this style of communication attracts few people. You will be more attractive and interesting if you ask a young man more often about himself, about his interests and characteristics. However, if a situation suddenly arises when he doesn’t understand something about you and he would like to understand you better, then don’t arrange a game of blind man’s blind man and tell him what and how to do it right.
Case from counseling
I really need your help, I may be making a serious mistake in my life. Help me to understand.
We have been communicating with one young man for three months, during which time he has become a very close and dear person to me. He says that I am for him too. We live in different cities, but traveling work allows us to meet on business trips, and we communicate on the Internet every day.
I have such a character that when someone becomes dear to me (I deliberately do not use the word “love” — this is such a responsibility!), I try to constantly do something pleasant for this person. So this time: he had a birthday, his 25th birthday. Since I am in my city, and he is in his, and I can’t personally give anything, I decided to give him a gift in the form of a candid photo shoot. I know that he would like to have a similar photo of me — he once mentioned this. I took pictures with a professional photographer, it cost me quite a lot of mental effort — you know, such photography … I password-protected the archive with photos so that no one else could see it. As a password — the name of the song that we listened to together, he had only to guess. I sent it to him, I’m waiting for an answer the day, the second. No answer.
On the second day I could not stand it, I asked him if he received my congratulations. He said that yes, he did, but he had a terrible blockage, “when this fucking February is over,” so I didn’t have time to look … I was very offended. On the same evening he asked me for the password. I replied that “now I won’t tell you the password, if you guess it, then you’ll look.” He replied: «Well, ok» and did not write anything else.
In your «Book for those who like to live» it says that «love shines with jewels thrown into it.» And I don’t want to give up anything anymore, because a person doesn’t take it, doesn’t appreciate it. I cannot do otherwise: if I love a person, I will give him “precious” gifts. But if there is silence in response, I will suffer a lot, which I am doing now. I now want to «cure the disease» at the initial stage, simply by cutting him out of my life. Or maybe I’m wrong, and here are more of my problems, and if you really love, you need to give anyway, no matter what?
Please help, I’m confused.
Response
You are doing stupid things. The young man treats you well, but he is busy, and he is not at all aware that you have strained for him. Well, he’s not a telepath. What are you doing now? You pout like a child, justifying this with lofty words about the principles of love. Once again: the young man is not a telepath, it is difficult for him to guess about your dedication and your Gift with a capital letter, it did not work out, and now you are punishing him for not guessing right.
There is an important rule in relationships: “There was no agreement — there is no violation. There is no violation — there is no one to blame.» You did not agree — it means, no matter how offended you are, the young man is not to blame. “Giving, no matter what” is wrong: if a young man behaves ugly, unworthy, without respect for you, you don’t need to give him anything, look for a decent person. But this is what you are punishing for?
What will happen next? Nothing interesting. He will be surprised at your silence, shrug his shoulders and put the incident out of his head: “You never know what cockroaches girls have in their heads!”, But this situation does not work to strengthen your relationship.
Adults don’t do that. With girls who arrange such scenes from scratch, few people want to get involved. If you love him and take care of him, then don’t give him unnecessary problems, he has enough of them anyway. It’s better to help: smile, solve the situation beautifully, and don’t arrange more such gifts with tricks.
Perhaps while you are not as dear to him as you want. A wise woman in this situation does not arrange tantrums, but thinks how to become more attractive and interesting for him, teaches him to herself, attracts him to herself, becomes more and more sweet and dear to him every day. Are you ready to do it?
Learn to be patient, learn to understand the other person.
Imagine that you love him and take care of him: then you will stop thinking “about your feelings” and start thinking about him.
Learn to love!