Each month, a reader of Psychologies gets the opportunity to have a consultation with a psychotherapist. The conversation is recorded on a dictaphone: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. This time, a married couple, Marina and David, came to the first appointment with Robert Neuburger.
Robert Neuburger: You have four children… Is a large family a mutual desire?
David: I grew up in a family with five children, I was the third. Therefore, the idea of having several children did not scare me.
Marina: Me too, even though I only have one brother.
R. N .: You said you had a problem. What did you mean?
David: I like men.
R. N .: When did you realize it?
David: Two or three years ago. I suddenly realized that I was attracted to men. Previously, my relationship with them was one of friendship or admiration. And I never had attraction or physical contact. I tried to figure out what was happening to me. And at some point he could no longer hide his homosexuality from Marina. I confessed this to her a month ago.
R. N. (to Marina): Did this confession surprise you or not?
Marina: I was shocked. Three years ago, David was diagnosed with cancer, and our intimate relationship practically ceased. I thought it was related to health issues. But for a long time it seemed to me that something was wrong with David, something emotionally very strong was ripening in him, frightening me. I thought that this spontaneous anger of his was connected with work or with a difficult relationship with his mother, who never dealt with him, did not support him. But I couldn’t even think about homosexuality. So when he told me about it, I was shocked, I just couldn’t believe him. (Cries.) It’s very hard for me now. After all, we have children, and I need to somehow live on. We have come to you because of them. I don’t know what’s best for them. The youngest of our children is ten, the oldest is twenty, two are in their teens, they are so vulnerable. Now they are happy, and I don’t want to ruin their lives. David and I came up with three scenarios. Either we continue to live as before, hiding everything from them; or we break up without explaining the reason to them …
David: … Or we disagree and explain to them the real reason.
Marina: I leaned towards the first option, but during the January holidays we rested with the whole family, and it was very difficult.
R. N .: For you two?
Marina: No, for everyone. David was irritated all the time. It seemed to me that he could hardly bear us, as if we were hanging like a stone on his neck. We returned home, and I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore, I didn’t have the strength.
David: I really behaved horribly. When I confessed to Marina, I felt relieved, but having overcome this barrier, I found myself in a void. On vacation surrounded by family, I felt lost …
R. N .: Does the fact that you work in France and your family lives in St. Petersburg make things easier? How do children perceive this situation?
Marina: Sometimes they ask if it is possible for dad to visit them more often.
David: In principle, we see each other almost every month, and during the holidays they come to France.
- How children live in same-sex couples
R. N .: What do you think of the three scenarios outlined?
David: Now I am not dating a man, but I do not rule out that I can meet someone …
R. N. (to Marina): Is it difficult for you to live outside your marital relationship with David?
Marina: No, that’s not the point, because we have been living like this for several years. The problem, rather, is in tension, in the anger that he accumulates in himself. I find it hard to deal with his irritability and anger. After he confessed to me, we lived very calmly for several days, and I thought: “Now it will be easier for him, and life in the family will be easier.” But it was not there.
R.N. (to David): Do your children know about your illness?
David: Only the eldest, in front of other children, we did not pronounce the word «cancer.»
Marina: A few years ago, David’s brother died of cancer, his death shocked our family. I gave David the right to decide whether to talk about his illness or not.
David: Would you have done differently?
Marina: Yes, I would tell them everything. But in this case, I believe that the decision was yours.
R.N. (to David): You both agree that it hasn’t been very pleasant to talk to you lately. Why do you think this happened? Because of illness? Because of the desire to be with other partners?
David: I don’t know. I took a big step, confessing everything to Marina. And I risk losing everything, I know. And I have a hard time with kids. They grow, show character, their behavior often leads me to despair. It’s good that Marina is nearby, she knows how to pacify them …
Marina: David needs to be in control. When the children were small, it was easier for him to do this. Teenagers are hard to control. For example, when David comes home, he first needs to clean everything up, put it in its place. He cares about order. When there are teenagers in the house, order is impossible.
R. N .: How long have you been living separately — one in France, the rest in Russia?
David: Almost a year and a half.
Marina: In fact, children begin to ask questions, they feel that something is wrong.
David: … Discuss it among themselves.
Marina: That is why I would not hide anything from them. I prefer honesty in relationships. Everyone is not very comfortable anyway, lying in such a situation, in my opinion, is wrong. But how to tell the truth? I can’t even consult with anyone about this, after all, it’s not the most standard situation …
R. N .: If you didn’t have kids, would you separate?
Marina: (After a pause.) I think so. We would have remained friends, but I don’t think it’s worth continuing the relationship as a couple when your partner can fall in love with someone else from day to day …
R.N. (to David): There are people who are able to be bisexual without much difficulty. Would you?
David: No.
R. N. (to Marina): If your husband was in a better mood when you are together, would you change anything now?
Marina: No, at least while we live with children.
R. N .: Well, well… I think that David became aware of his homosexuality under the influence of the disease. It happens that we think about something, but do not attach any importance to it, and suddenly, in a borderline situation, we make decisions that we would never have made in a normal state.
Marina: And I thought, on the contrary: he fell ill, because this thought tormented him.
R. N .: And I think the wisest decision in relation to children is the one you yourself proposed.
David: The first option is to say nothing and do nothing?
R. N .: Yes, this is your intimate life, and it concerns only you. But this will only work if you are in complete agreement with each other. If one of you has a lot of bitterness or anger, then nothing will work. As for David’s bad mood in the family, this is another problem. This is called the «Breton sailor syndrome» who, returning home, finds a life from which he had been excluded for a long time. I think it would be nice if David would sometimes meet with one of the children. So that he does not always see the whole family at once, as a whole.
For privacy reasons, we have changed names and some personal details. The recording of the conversation is published with abbreviations and with the consent of Marina and David.