“He doesn’t want kids. How to be?

“When I first told my husband that I wanted a baby, he pretended not to hear me. The second time he snapped, «Stop talking nonsense, it’s not funny!» After a dozen attempts, I realized that it was not a whim or a joke, but still continued to refuse.

Every time we saw a pregnant woman or a baby carriage on the street, his face showed a mixture of disgust and guilt. And yet I tried to understand him. I was sure that, plunging into the world of his fears, I could still convince him to agree.

30-year-old Maria was right, trusting her intuition. There are many reasons why a man does not want to become a father, and if you try to understand them, you can force a partner to change his mind.

words of encouragement

Bad ecology, a small apartment, problems with a career… All these arguments can be dealt with. It is often enough to explain to a partner, even the most adamant one, that the most important thing for a child is to be loved.

The next step is to influence the expectation of the future father, assuring him that if you chose him, then you are sure that he is able to make the child happy.

“As soon as the baby arrives, say goodbye to romantic dinners and impromptu weekends. Instead, you need to get up at night when the baby is sick, take him to school every morning, in short — home life in slippers. No thanks!”

If your partner is afraid of losing his freedom, explain to him that the arrival of a baby will not turn everyday life into a prison if it is properly organized.

So 29-year-old Sofia convinced her husband Fedor: “I found a nanny even before Ian was conceived. And when the conversation touched on money, she repeated that we both work, which means that we will not have to give up most of our habits … Not to mention the excellent and free nanny — my mother is at our complete disposal.

And yet: what scares many men? The burden of responsibility. They are afraid of not being up to par and anxious at the thought of “failing” the paternity test. How can this fear be overcome? Stop dramatizing.

Anxiety will pass sooner or later, like many myths of youth that fade with age.

Another common reason is the fear of getting old. 34-year-old Mark is in every possible way fenced off from the thought of changes in their married couple: “For me, becoming a parent means turning from Mark into Mark Grigoryevich. When Ira told me that she wanted a child, I panicked. This is childish, I understand, but the first thing that came to mind was that now I will have to give up my beloved Volkswagen Karmann and drive a small car!

Passion is our method

What should be the solution? To show to those who doubt it that it is possible to become a father and not stop being young and loved at the same time. List to him friends who have taken this important step and managed to remain themselves.

And you can also spur his narcissism by arguing that fatherhood will only make him more attractive: after all, women melt and thrill in front of a man with a child.

Play on his passion. “I didn’t want to force him to do anything. She just suggested that everything should be solved naturally. She stopped taking contraceptives, and we were expecting a baby without changing family life. I got pregnant two years later, and my husband was delighted to find out that I was pregnant,” says 27-year-old Marianna.

Two symbolic occasions

Men, like 40-year-old Dmitry, do not trust women for whom motherhood becomes an obsession. “Sofia said she wanted a baby just three months after we started dating. I thought it was too much!

At 35, she could already hear the “ticking” of her biological clock, and I felt trapped. And asked her to wait. Indeed, often women who are engaged in a career invest all their time in work so that by the age of 40 they “wake up” and panic, terrorizing not only themselves, but also their husbands.

And here’s another typical situation: men who already have children from their first marriage are gnawed by guilt because of the thought that they can «have» another child. They cannot plan for a new offspring while his firstborn is growing up far away.

They equate divorce with abandoning children. In such cases, do not rush. Give him time to fully experience the «mourning» of his previous marriage and realize that he left only his wife, but not the children.

When a man identifies with a child

“Do the following test: ask a mother who she will save first if there is a flood: her husband or her child. She will instinctively answer: «The child, because he needs me more.» This is what annoys me the most.

I want to live with a woman who would save me! The thought that I will have to share a wife with a child, even though he is mine too, drives me crazy, 38-year-old Timur admits. “That’s why I don’t want children: I don’t like a supporting role at all.”

Psychoanalyst Mauro Mancha comments on these words: “Everything becomes more complicated if the husband begins to symbolically take the place of his son. Perceiving his relationship with a woman as «mother-son», he will not tolerate another child between them. Also in such pathological relationships, the problem of disclaimer arises again. Returning emotionally to the state of a child, a man will not be able to take on the responsibility inherent in an adult.

At the same neurotic level are those who, with the birth of a child, again live the ancient «brotherly enmity» — rivalry with a younger brother for parental attention. With the advent of a child, such men feel rejected and abandoned, as in childhood, and cannot even bear the thought of having to relive this experience again.

An unresolved Oedipus complex is also a reason for not wanting to become a father. It comes to the point that a man becomes impotent because of the possible motherhood of his wife. He can’t make love to a woman who only cares about diapers and breastfeeding.

Because his mother is his first love, but this love is taboo and considered incest. If his own woman becomes a mother, the relationship with her will return to the framework of incest, something forbidden, which a man will no longer want.

Another variant of the Oedipal problem: phallic obsession with a woman, an omnipotent mother. Thus, to have a child means to transfer to her the symbolic equivalent of the phallus, that is, strength and power. To refuse to do so is to «castrate» her.

Obviously, the two types of failure described are the most difficult to resolve, the problem from which they come is too serious and deep. You can try to temporarily disperse to put everything in its place.

Sometimes such a break can allow you to re-raise the question of the original reasons for the refusal, but there is a risk that in the end the man will experience the birth of a child negatively if he does not first do a deep psychological analysis of the situation with him.

Perhaps the only effective way to get around this «no to paternity» is to convince the partner of the need for therapy.

When the past closes the door to fatherhood

The refusal of 37-year-old Boris is very decisive: “The only thing I remember about my father is beatings, cruelty and hatred. In the evenings I fell asleep, dreaming that he would disappear from my life. At 16 I left home and never saw him again. It is unthinkable for me to bring a child into the world, I would be afraid to expose him to what I myself suffered from.

36-year-old Pavel, on the contrary, suffered from the absence of a father in his life as a child: “I was raised by my mother, aunts and grandmothers. My father left us when I was three years old. I missed him very much. I do not believe in family life to the grave. Why should I have a child with a woman whom I can then theoretically divorce and never see her again?

But for 34-year-old Denis, the refusal is completely categorical: “I was born by chance, from parents who never recognized me. So why should I, with such and such an experience, have a child?

It is difficult for these men to fit into the ranks of the fathers. The idea of ​​becoming a father forces them to relive their monstrous relationship with their own fathers. In the case of such a past, it is dangerous to insist.

Whether the partner will dare to undergo therapy and analyze the situation in order to delve into his unresolved problems and find the key that could open the door to serene fatherhood for him is up to him.

Never achieve a goal by deceit

The idea of ​​stopping birth control without asking for a partner’s opinion and thus faking an «accidental» conception doesn’t sound so crazy to many women.

And yet: does a woman have the right to make such a decision alone?

“This is the specter of partogenesis: not wanting the participation of a man in matters of procreation,” says psychotherapist Corradina Bonafede. “Such women embody maternal omnipotence.”

To ignore a man’s desire in this way is to deceive him and show disrespect. After such an act, the risk that a man will leave the family after the birth of a child imposed on him greatly increases.

What, then, to say to the child in the near future? “Father didn’t want you, it was I who made you conceive”? Definitely not, because a child is the result of the love of two people, not one.

Is it really the man who refuses?

Are you sure that it is the husband who does not want children, and not you yourself? And do you accidentally stumble upon this type of men every time? Often such partners are a reflection of the ambivalent attitude towards the motherhood of the woman herself.

“I demanded a child from my husband, knowing that he would refuse. In the depths of my soul, I did not want children, public opinion and friends, led by my mother, put pressure on me. And instead of admitting my feelings, I hid behind my husband’s refusal, ”admits 30-year-old Sabina.

30-year-old Anna had a similar reaction while they were undergoing family therapy. “One of the tasks was to analyze different photographs from magazines. My husband and I had to choose those photos that, in our understanding, are most connected with children, family, etc.

I suddenly found myself choosing disturbing images: a disabled child, an old woman’s tear-stained face, a hospital bed… I realized that I was obsessed with images of death. I was finally able to talk about my fear of giving birth, the horror of the idea that I could bring into the world a child with a serious physical disability or illness. In fact, I projected my own reluctance to become a mother onto my husband.