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Seven-year-old Liza carefully paints a letter to Santa Claus. She drew flowers and a sun, but… she didn’t write a single line: she couldn’t think of anything to ask the magician about. And six-year-old Timofey politely answered his mother’s question about the gift: “You really think of something yourself, I don’t care.” How to explain the indifference of modern children to gifts? Maybe the fairy tale came true?
The pleasure of dreaming. “If this is a fairy tale, it is very sad,” says family psychotherapist Inna Khamitova. – Many children today find it difficult to dream and desire. Why is this happening? Any need arises in conditions of scarcity. For example, children in the yard play hockey or a classmate was presented with a beautiful designer, and the child begins to want the same thing. If he does not get what he wants right away, then he begins to dream about it. He imagines how he skates, how he builds a castle of pirates from Lego … A whole fantasy world is born in his imagination. Inventing, fantasizing, the child learns to think outside the box. And this, by the way, is a great benefit of desires.
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- What do our children dream of?
Proactive work. Dreaming about something, the child will be incredibly happy when his wish comes true. But many parents warn the slightest desires of children. Why? The reasons are very different. “For those who were deprived of something important in childhood (for example, they dreamed of a bicycle, but never got it), it seems that they save the child from such disappointments,” explains Inna Khamitova. – But in fact, they make a gift to themselves, and the child is deprived of the opportunity to enjoy. Other reasons are an attempt by a busy adult to get rid of guilt towards a child for a lack of attention; striving to be no worse than others. For those for whom a child is the only meaning of life, it is especially important to feel like good parents. Anticipating the desires of the child, they try to earn his favor.
Creating a deficit. Try not to make purchases at the first request of the child, learn to say a firm “no”. Otherwise, there is an inflation of pleasure: under the influence of advertising, modern children want to have absolutely everything, but they do not really want. Mark for yourself the moments when your son or daughter is interested in something. And say: “Now I can’t give you such a gift, but in two months (six months) let’s get back to this conversation.” Is it difficult for you to withstand the tears or even the tantrum of a child? Then deal with your own feelings first, think about why you are not ready for the fact that the child will consider you a bad mom (bad dad)?
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- Do I need to tell my child that Santa Claus does not exist?
The space of emotions. “The most desirable gift for a child is to see parents as cheerful accomplices in their games,” the expert notes. “So come up with some kind of joint hobby: go to the climbing wall, go bowling, fly in a wind tunnel, or just lie together in the snow in the country.” It is easier for many parents to financially participate in the development of a child than to invest emotionally, but it is communication that is a truly valuable investment.”
Inna Khamitova, director of the Center for Systemic Family Therapy ().