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You talked, went on dates, and then he disappeared. Stopped calling and answering messages, blocked you on social networks. You start looking for a problem in yourself, reviewing the moments of meetings again and again: where did you make a mistake? Actually there is no error. Why such disappearances hurt us so much and what to do, explains psychologist Ekaterina Vashukova.
Enter the phrase “why he disappeared” in the search engine, and you will be surprised at the number of links: “Men confess why they disappear without explanation”, “How to survive the disappearance of a guy”, “The main reason why guys disappear”. This happens to many women and we want to know why.
It’s not just the men who disappear. Women do this too. The difference is that after the loss of a partner, they spend much more time worrying and thinking about what they did wrong. Women blame themselves for everything.
Perhaps on a date you overdid it with alcohol, burst into tears over an ex-love, or tried to force a kiss on a man. But, most likely, you behaved adequately, tried to make a good impression and find a normal partner.
The reason is not in us, but in the past experience and preferences of a man
It’s probably not your fault. But you still maniacally re-read the correspondence and try to understand why he disappeared, retell the details to your friends and ask what could have gone wrong. Even if the man did not really like, the fact of his disappearance touches. You are haunted by this riddle. You definitely want to unravel it. But is it worth the time?
When someone leaves us for no reason, we are so worried that we often forget a simple truth. If a man didn’t like us or he switched to another woman, this has little to do with us. The reason is not in us, but in his past experience and preferences.
How to deal with emotional trauma? Here are five steps to help you forget about a breakup.
1. Delete the conversation
You can’t change someone else’s behavior, so stop wasting time thinking about what you should have said or done differently. Once you destroy the “evidence”, you will no longer be able to return to them and reflect on this topic.
2. Spend time with people who love you back
Best friends and relatives will not run away from you. Switch your energy and attention to people you can trust.
3. Open up to new things
A good way to recover from such a ridiculous breakup is to shake things up a bit. Say yes to the new and the unknown. They invited an unknown musician to a concert – go ahead. A friend called me to a bar – why not. A friend calls for a workout, lace up your sneakers.
4. Get back in the game
It’s hard to meet men after you’ve been dumped. Try not to lose hope and be open to new acquaintances. But if you feel like deleting all your dating apps and focusing on something else, give yourself a break.
5. Don’t do this to others
Now you know how it hurts. You can come up with answers in advance that you will send to those with whom you do not want to communicate. Someone who hurt your feelings and disappeared in such a shameless way doesn’t deserve your time.
“Uncertainty breeds fears and negative fantasies”
Ekaterina Vashukova, psychologist
When a person suddenly disappears from our life, the feeling of stability collapses. There is an information vacuum in which we try to explain what happened. Uncertainty breeds fears and negative fantasies based on previous life experiences.
The sudden disappearance of a man causes the most acute feelings in girls with complexes and injuries. If a woman experienced a traumatic interruption of contact with one of her parents in childhood, then the situation of rejection revives old complexes in her.
Also, women with a “guilt complex” fall into an emotional trap. It is formed if a girl is instilled with an excessive sense of responsibility – you are responsible for everything that happens to you and around you. If she was criticized unnecessarily as a child, she judges herself severely as an adult.
The third vulnerable group are girls who grew up in dysfunctional families. In such families, personal boundaries are violated, there is emotional or physical abuse, which forms codependent character traits in the child. In a relationship, such women identify with their partner. When a man leaves, he “takes” the image of a woman with him.