“A teenager hiding the truth? This is normal, explains child psychologist Daniel Marcelli*. – Adolescence means the end of the “transparent” relationship between the child and his parents. It is worth accepting it … within certain limits.
“Your son claimed the other day that he was staying with his best friend who told the same story to his parents. In fact, both spent the night at the computer with a classmate whose parents went to the country … Your first reaction is extreme indignation, confusion, even rage: how could he lie so brazenly? What were they doing there? He must be punished!
Adolescents 13-14 years old tend to slip away from their parents, because they feel that it is time to become independent. Hence the sudden appearance of petty deceptions, omissions. Infuriated by the lies of a teenager who until recently was so open and defenseless, his parents reproach him for not wanting to trust them (“I am very disappointed”) and constantly remind him of a lot of dangers (“I want to know where you are and with whom”). In fact, behind their words lies the fear of losing control over their child. There’s nothing to be done, adolescence means the beginning of “opaque” relationships with children, and we have to agree with this so as not to slow down the natural process of growing up.
Another thing is when it comes to serious deception. Forging a signature on a document or stealing money from your wallet are offenses so serious that it is necessary to intervene decisively, clarify your position and control the teenager for a while. Think about possible reasons for cheating: Does he have trouble at school? Does he have enough pocket money? Are you giving him enough freedom? Most often, children are forced to lie to their parents, who themselves can let down, deceive the child, or do not give him any opportunity to show independence. Some teenagers are constantly lying, inventing an exciting life for themselves in order to give themselves weight in the eyes of friends, to attract the attention of an endlessly busy father or mother. It is also possible that the “shameful” details of family history are hidden from them: the prison past of one of the relatives, drugs, love affairs … Unconsciously, adolescents reproduce the behavior of their parents, who better decide to have a direct conversation with their son or daughter, and not reproach them for deceit “.
* DANIEL MARSELLI, Head of Child and Adolescent Psychotherapy and Psychiatry, University Hospital of Poitiers (France).
About it
- Daniel Marcelli “Practical psychology for adolescents. 100 Most Difficult Situations You Need to Go Through”, U-Factoria, 2008. The book, addressed to teenagers, will turn out to be a real “ambulance” for their parents too: it will help them notice a mistake in their own actions, survive a crisis in a relationship without heavy losses.
Read also: “TEENS Territory: A guide for parents of teenagers.”