Each defeat in the game is perceived by the child as a catastrophe: he scatters chips, throws a racket on the ground, insults opponents and considers himself a loser (tsey) … Why does he (she) behave like this when he loses? Candidate of Pedagogical Sciences Marina Aromstam* answers.
“Losing is always unpleasant. However, some children (more often boys) dramatize each defeat so much that they literally poison the lives of themselves and those around them. They refuse to play, blame bad equipment for their failure, the bright sun beating in their eyes, an opponent who cheats … But most of all they blame themselves – that they did not justify their own hopes.
What is the reason for this inability to lose? Perhaps a child in his 6-10 years is still at the stage of infantile omnipotence – he feels, as in early childhood, the center of the universe and is not aware of the boundaries that life sets for him. Often this is the behavior of the only children in the family who are unfamiliar with competition with brothers or sisters. But equally, such an attitude can also reflect the rivalry between the younger and the older.
Winning, the child declares to his parents about his existence, that he is as valuable as his brother or sister, whom adults may admire too much … But it is most difficult for children who do not have a positive vision of themselves to accept their loss and they seek to increase self-esteem in any way. Losing is an attack on their narcissism and a real tragedy. Especially if adults demand victories from them, which are so flattering to parental pride …
How to behave in such a situation? First of all, pay attention to the feelings of the child, his activities. Teach him to play by the rules and become his partner in the game yourself. Any board game with a dice will do, where the chances of success for an adult and a child are almost equal. Before starting, talk about the possible options for the final, including defeat. And after the game, ask the child what he feels, tell us about your experiences.
Come up with a special ritual for the loser in advance: for example, he should applaud the winner (accepting his defeat begins with recognizing the other’s victory), and then drink a glass of sweet juice to “sweeten” the mood or “fill in” the anger. In general, a loss can be arranged very cheerfully. And a sense of humor towards oneself is a great psychotherapist.
*Author of the book “Child and Adult in the Pedagogy of Experience” (Linco-Press, 1998).