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Is it possible to avoid conflicts when doing homework turns into a nightly nightmare? Our experts explain the difference between the roles of a teacher and a parent and how you can get your child interested in learning.
Homework is one of the most common topics that arise at consultations with child and family psychologists. Parents do not cope with children, and they do not want to study, they are lazy, unassembled, anxious, stubborn … “How to sit down for lessons — she cries”, “he does not understand anything”, “does not sit still”, “lies given»…
Parents suffer from the fact that they have to behave contrary to their own beliefs: “I lose control over myself”, “I break down and literally yell at him, and then I am tormented by guilt”, “sometimes I will wave my hand and do everything for him”.
Adults perceive the situation with homework too emotionally, not only because the education and the future of the child are important to them. “What happens every day reminds them of their own school years, the difficulties of those years, the expectations of their parents, disappointments and failures,” says developmental psychologist Tatyana Bednik.
Old fears come to life: “What will you become if you don’t study?!” In addition, parents of modern schoolchildren face difficulties that they themselves did not know.
“Many adults are simply confused,” says school psychologist Galina Tsukerman. — The school is changing more and more, it is less and less like the one in which the parents themselves studied. And if so, then how can they control the situation with the education of children? How to help them? This disorientation only adds to their anxiety.”
To go through their school years with children calmly is an extremely important task for both the child and the parents.
“Doing homework becomes a problem in almost all families,” says Tatyana Bednik with regret. But this problem can also be a good reason to think about how we communicate with a child, how we express our emotions, how we punish and reward him, what values we want to convey to him (and which ones we actually convey).
To go through their school years with children calmly is an extremely important task both for the child and for us, who live our parenthood in this way day by day. Our experts will advise you on the best way to do it.
Relieve stress
“Get together at last! How many times can you make the same mistake! Constantly hearing reproaches, the child stops trying, because he simply cannot imagine himself having achieved success.
“When homework becomes a pain, there is not the slightest benefit from it,” says the school psychologist. “The child understands only that the parents are unhappy, that work is a punishment and that he is not capable of anything.” The consequences of such daily confrontation are much worse than bad grades.
“I suddenly heard myself shouting to my 9-year-old daughter: “Do you really understand anything? You don’t even try! I do not trust you!» 36-year-old Maria laments. When a boss talks to us like this at work, we think he is cruel and unfair. The same is true of our words and children.
“Because of this damn study, we have constant quarrels! The whole world is against me!” — Galina Tsukerman describes the children’s reaction. And how can you learn to take responsibility when even your parents do not believe in you (and in you)?
Share your feelings with your child and tell how they were overcome.
Before we sit down with the children for lessons, we need to calm down. There is nothing “non-pedagogical” about admitting: “I am annoyed because I am very tired today. And how are you? Let’s calm down and not fight.» Share your feelings: “I’m nervous because I myself had trouble with math,” and tell how they managed to overcome them. It is important for a child to know that any school difficulty can be dealt with.
Well, if you can’t overcome irritation, it’s better, according to Tatyana Bednik, to ask someone else to help with the lessons — a relative or a student tutor.
Open other paths to knowledge
“I don’t understand anything! Nobody needs it anyway!” — such statements speak only of the strong discomfort that the child experiences when he cannot cope with the lessons. Alas, if in response they deprive him of a computer or TV, force him to rewrite the same thing ten times, this does not motivate him in any way and does not help to comprehend the meaning of the teaching.
We tend to underestimate the daily achievements of our children, and children need us to praise them.
Parents should not duplicate teachers. They have a completely different role — to preserve in the child the joy of life, curiosity, the desire to learn and the ability to be surprised. “Parents are not a punitive authority, but “comrades in misfortune” who live with their children for these eleven school years,” says Galina Tsukerman. — If it is important for them that the child receives an education in the broad modern sense of the word, they need to take care to deepen and diversify his interests.
Support his need to learn new things. If on a weekday there is some serious event happening outside of school that can help a child find himself, skip school! Give him time to get carried away with the activities in which he will draw inspiration. This is something that a school often cannot do, but caring parents can.”
Keep a diary of achievements
We tend to underestimate the daily achievements of our children, especially when success is not related to school. Just think, an achievement — he finally learned the multiplication table for 7. And what if he began to write more competently — that’s how it should be! He called his grandmother (without reminders) — and this is normal … We miss such “little things”, and children need us to see them, praise them, fueling their self-confidence.
Here’s an example: students at the experimental Living School in Paris keep a diary of achievement. In the elementary grades, the teacher writes down in it, under the dictation of the child, the successes of this week, which he is proud of. Principal Carolyn Frost believes that it is useful for adults to keep such a diary, and she herself has made such a habit: “I was able to have a conversation that I had been putting off for a long time”, “I smiled back at my colleague” … “All these big and small victories form the foundation of our personality , she thinks. “And when difficulties arise, we can continue to work on ourselves without losing our footing.”
If the school focuses on the child’s mistakes, then keeping a diary (in fact, the initial experience of introspection) teaches him to rely on his own resources.
Help him find his way of learning
At school, labels are often attached to children: «lazy», «stupid», «mediocre». But it is worth taking a closer look — and it turns out that this «middle peasant» knows how to fix any computer, loves to read or play the guitar, or masters something masterfully, or can be a great friend. The question is how to make these talents serve the cause of schooling.
Tatyana Bednik explains: it is not interesting to study not only for those who were not supported by their parents, did not provide adequate assistance, but also for children whom the school could not interest or, as they say, discouraged from studying, demotivated.
The traditional school offers the only way to learn, while there are at least eight types of thinking.
The traditional school offers the only way to learn, while there are at least eight types of thinking that are expressed in each person to varying degrees.1. The school focuses on two of them: verbal and mathematical. While, for example, primary school students have the most active bodily or musical-rhythmic type of thinking.
Restless behavior during homework (the child turns around, taps on the table with a pencil…) may indicate that his type of thinking is not involved. The task of parents is to correct the situation.
Let the child sing, portray something in the faces, fashion some letter from plasticine. “It’s okay if he, listening to his mother read a poem to him, hangs upside down on the Swedish wall,” says Galina Tsukerman. “It will help another if he taps the rhythm or walks back and forth.”
It is worth taking children more often to museums where interactive technologies are widely used (for example, the Experimentarium). There, the exhibits can be touched, smelled, moved as much as you like – that is, you can do everything that a child needs to fully experience the world.”
do it on time
If the parents cannot be there when the child is doing homework, he still needs to feel their benevolent (albeit demanding) attitude. But Galina Tsukerman warns: do not do (redo) homework late in the evening when the parents returned from work.
The meaning is: “You have your business — these are lessons. You must do it. Every business must be done on time. I am very interested in your life, I will look at your notebooks with pleasure, you will tell me what happened to you today. But we will not redo the lessons. Better read, talk, play.
Well, what if, having come home in the evening, the parents discover that the lessons have not been done or have been done somehow?
“If this is a one-time emergency, then it’s worth helping the child not get into an unpleasant situation tomorrow: solve the problem for him, dictate the English translation,” the school psychologist believes. — If this happens regularly, then the help should be regular. You can attract a tutor or agree on an after-school program that your child, although he has grown up, will come and do homework under the supervision of a teacher.
Whether he prepares lessons with you or on his own, the correct setting for doing homework, according to Galina Tsukerman, is this: “Today I will try and do my best. Help me as much as I need. And as a result, tomorrow I will be able to do better.”
1 G. Gardner «The Structure of the Mind» (Williams, 2007), J. Piaget «Speech and Thinking of the Child» (Remis, 2008).