Being deceived by loved ones, many fence themselves off from everyone so that they no longer get burned and experience the same disappointment. We think we’re right, but we don’t fully realize that we’ve actually stopped trusting ourselves. How to fix it?
Everyone who has ever been betrayed remembers how difficult it is to start trusting people again after that. And only a few admit that in fact it has become difficult for them to trust themselves. We fixate on what others have done to us, we put up “barricades” so that this doesn’t happen again. We remember the pain and bitterness of how unfairly we were treated.
Everything is natural. We are offended, and there is nothing you can do about it. It doesn’t fit in my head – is it really possible to act so dishonorably? It’s not possible with us. Finally, we figure out how to save our wounded heart. We launch defense mechanisms in order to regain the strength that betrayal deprived us of.
Protective mechanisms
Some are just closed. They convince themselves that they do not need support and comfort, and run from anyone who tries to get too close. Or they deliberately create obstacles to communication and arrange a quarrel out of the blue, as soon as they feel that they are about to thaw, give vent to emotions and show their vulnerability.
All energy is spent on protection from other people’s encroachments. And therefore there is no time and energy left to understand what the main damage is. But in fact, our trust in ourselves has collapsed: we began to doubt our decisions and are afraid to rely on our own worldview, says Khabib’s trauma therapist Jessica Zaman.
We believed another person, considered genuine his care and love, looked for warmth and peace in his arms, in order to one day find that all this was a complete deception. When what you firmly believe in contradicts what you had to endure, the ground seems to disappear from under your feet.
Passing the event through different levels of perception, we come to a place where thoughts no longer cause painful associations.
Not having time to fully understand what happened, we resort to protective mechanisms. But the latter not only protect us at critical moments, but also prevent us from building healthy relationships in the future. If old wounds have not healed, the body still triggers the same chemical reaction that responded to a long-standing shock, the trauma therapist explains.
Our subconscious does not know how to distinguish what was once from what is now. That is why, as soon as you remember past grievances, the pulse quickens every time, and the shoulders and neck tense up as if everything is happening again.
This does not mean that we should avoid depressing memories and try to forget about them. It is important to live through this pain and rethink the experience that led to that unfortunate incident. Passing the event through different levels of perception, we come to a place where thoughts no longer cause painful associations and the wound heals.
HOW TO HELP YOURSELF?
It will take time to find your lost place in this world, to establish yourself in your decisions and make your choice, despite the consequences. We need to figure out who we were and who we are now, and start trusting ourselves again. It is necessary to restore your “I”, although it seems that it is hopeless. Believe me, you are not broken or broken, but fragments of lived experience and your reactions to them make you think that this is so.
“Self-trust begins with an analysis of your needs,” Dr. Zaman recalls. – What do you feel, how does the body respond to these feelings, and what will help you gain stability? Stop and listen to your feelings calmly, slowly, without value judgments.
Practice
The therapist recommends an exercise developed by him from personal experience. “I’m sitting in my home office, having an online session, and getting annoyed because the cat scratches at the door for the fifth time in the last forty minutes. By identifying an emotion, we can understand why it has arisen, and make sure that it is directed correctly and can be controlled. Determining the cause of an emotion is somewhat more difficult.
It would seem that it’s all about the cat that scratches the door, but there are more significant factors behind this. Or maybe the irritation is caused by the fact that she spoils expensive double-glazed windows or makes noise, distracting me and the client. Or am I solely mad at myself because it proves that while I work from home, the cat suffers from a lack of attention, just like children?
By recognizing our emotions, we more accurately identify hidden inner needs and become more aware of personal value.
The ability to accurately recognize the source of an emotion brings relief. Through it we can satisfy the psychological need behind the experience. By thinking about how to deal with this feeling and mitigate its manifestations, we take control of the situation and gain control over it. It helps to keep our balance and not let our emotions get the better of us.”
By consistently doing this exercise, you will be able to unravel the complex tangle of thoughts, feelings and habitual actions, and completely change your life. Each time, recognizing our emotions, we more accurately identify hidden inner needs and are more aware of personal value. Take these difficult steps at first to learn to trust your own attitude, experience and yourself again.