My father died long and hard. The son cared for him selflessly, was both a nurse and a nurse. Why is he now blaming himself? For being in a hurry all the time, although his father’s last days and hours forced him to slow down. How many times did the father ask: “Son, sit a little longer!” «Time!» he answered. And he ran away.
To the doctor — for a new prescription, to pharmacies in search of a missing medicine or adult diapers, for some urgent meeting. The work also required attention, time, contact with clients. The old man even began to irritate him sometimes with his focus on illness and death, his unwillingness to enter into his son’s circumstances. But he was out of his strength.
And now it suddenly became clear to his son that, perhaps, he had not fulfilled his main duty. Not a nurse or a nurse, but a son. Skimped on the conversation. In the most important moments he left his father alone. Not only the body, but also the soul must be taken care of. However, he didn’t have enough time for that. Time and mental strength. According to Akhmatova, he was possessed by the demon of speed. Father often fell asleep during the day. And he went to sleep early. Then he would be able to do everything necessary. But the anxiety of not being in time or the desire to be in time on time drove him all the time. Now there is nothing to return.
Every feeling needs maturation, that is, extension, slow time. Where is it?
The theme of guilt towards parents is eternal. And complaints about the pace of life are also not new: there is not enough time for anything. Landscapes flickering outside the train window, an airplane eating up space, changing time zones, the ringing of an alarm clock in the morning. There is no time to smell a flower, let alone think about life. All this is true, but we are used to it.
However, speed has given rise to another problem, which we think about only in the event of the death of a loved one or our own illness. We are biological beings. And psychological. And every feeling needs maturation, that is, extension, slow time. Where is it?
It’s the same with communication. «How are you?» — «Yes, everything seems to be nothing.» This call has become habitual. The designation of the contact is also necessary, but events do happen that require other words, require a pause for conversation: a daughter has love, someone mortally offended a son, a chill stretched between a husband and wife, a mother or father feel like strangers in the son’s family. And it’s not that you can’t find this pause, but the skill of such a conversation has been lost. Can’t find words. Intonation is not given.
We are accustomed to fluent communication, we live in an inhuman rhythm. Literally: in a rhythm that is unsuitable for a person. All that we can and are capable of is left with us. We just learned how to use it. The owners of untold wealth are bankrupt. And have no one to blame but yourself.