Have Pity on Me: How to Distinguish Need for Compassion from Manipulation

From help to co-dependency

First of all, it is worth understanding what the word “pity” means. When we pity someone, we show the person that we are not indifferent to him, that we sympathize with him, which means that we are not deaf to his feelings. In such situations, pity is useful – it is an expression of empathy and kindness, which makes us human. And sometimes it is necessary for every person, even the strongest and most persistent.

But pity pity strife. When you took pity on the person who needed it, cheered up, outlined a plan of action together – this is a healthy concern and its acceptance by the other side.

But there is a type of people who, with the help of pity, try to drag you into a co-dependent relationship – and this is already the beginning of manipulation. In a co-dependent relationship, such a partner will try to erase the boundaries between himself and you, make you dissolve into each other. The psyche of a healthy person perceives this process as an encroachment on his personality, on his “I”, and we unconsciously try to “escape”, break contact. Therefore, as a result, nothing good will come of it.

Pity to death

This search for a savior begins in self-pity. This is a destructive habit, and it arises as a result of a person’s inability to cope with difficulties, solve problems. Such a person inclines you to feel sorry for him, although in fact this feeling is not yours and in reality you do not experience it. For a manipulator, this is a way developed over the years to survive at the expense of another. If you play this game, he will sit on his neck and hang his legs.

There is one good rule: if you want to destroy a person, pinch him to death. And if you want to help, sympathize, and then help with deed. It is important to figure out what the person you feel sorry for really needs. Is it always in pity? Or maybe support? Maybe he needs to be cheered up? Or, on the contrary, give a moral kick to awaken motivation?

Track your feelings, check if they are exactly yours. Don’t play games with manipulators, keep your boundaries. If you feel discomfort, then they are violated. Determine from what moment you felt “too much” and what exactly you do not like. If it’s time to stop regretting, you can always politely say, “I think this is the kind of situation where only you can decide what’s best.” If you say this several times, the manipulator will understand that this “neck” can no longer be driven out, and will look for a new one.

Pity by gender

Men and women are united by the fact that, first of all, we are living people who react to problems in a similar way. The only difference is what exactly we are trained to do next. For example, men, due to the stereotypes of education, often tend to turn a blind eye to a problem or even deny its existence. And for women, on the contrary, to immerse themselves in the situation, parsing it into atoms.

Therefore, the format of assistance is also different. It is believed that men often want to see a partner nearby who will understand and support, but he is not going to cry with you. He needs a solution, which means that wise advice, correctly asked leading questions, a joint discussion of the situation without criticism of him will do. You can regret only at the beginning of the process, but very moderately. And he, too, can not wait for help in the implementation: he can handle it himself.

And women often need to have a little cry together with them, and then sit down to figure out what’s what. Pity is more needed than a man, and more time is needed to “regret”. Yes, and after that I want to feel a strong shoulder, so that they say: “I will help you cope with this, if you yourself are not very successful.” The traditionally masculine approach to helping is to move the world forward, all to the point. And the one that is considered feminine requires something else: to understand the reasons, and then, perhaps, to help by action.

However, the world is changing, and gender stereotypes in terms of pity and sympathy are also becoming obsolete. Therefore, before reacting in one way or another, ask what kind of response your loved one expects from you. Perhaps the partner needs to talk, and the friend wants you to help her come up with a clear and specific plan of action.

Love or manipulation?

Manipulations, however, are also different. We are all a little cunning at times, and most often these are short-term harmless actions without consequences. Manipulation in the global sense is always about disrespect and depreciation. About the fact that you put yourself and your interests at the forefront. The manipulator loves you exactly as long as you regularly perform your function for him. Once you stop doing this, his love will pass very quickly. Therefore, it is up to you to choose: either real love and respect, or dosed “stuffing” of the manipulator’s love so that the victim does not get off the hook.

In any case, there are no ideals, and sometimes you have to accept a person with some character traits. But if in a relationship you constantly have to feel sorry for someone who does not want to change anything, remember: caring for another begins with caring for yourself and your feelings.